It's Been Years!

I hate blogging because it seems very narcissistic.  I mean what's the point?  Either I think I'm insightful or funny enough to be read by others or I'm doing it just because it is easier than talking to myself.   But i just had to get off of Facebook for a while because the level of frustration as people post stuff and dealing with a friend of C's that just posts all tons of fake news and sexist and racist comments without the ability to engage.  I'd block him but that seems wrong.

I'm bored.  I'm frustrated at work because there is so much I could do but lukewarm reception to any of it.  The standards are pretty low too.

Church is boring because right now is summer and every one goes away so there is nothing really going on except for stuff I try to manage like the garden.  I'm ready for challenge and transformation or at least a discussion.  It was good to preach though.

Gotta make some chicken nuggets so I resist the temptation to walk over to Popeye's. 

GOING TO CALVIN

I found this post from a long time ago....so long agoo...


Yup, I think I have decided to go to Calvin after I do my M. Div. It will be about 12 weeks more work and it is a huge switch from how I have been thinking. I'm not sure what the tipping point was. I think its is the number of empty pulpits we have in Toronto and a discussion I had in a prayer meeting with EK about the contribution to the church of MB. Now, I am not putting myself on par with MB - I don't have the education or experience that he has. I think when I look at the church and see the people struggling to come to grips with the losses of special people we have had recently something clicked with me. Though I love the people who are leaving, the church is bigger than those people. They have taught us and loved us well, but the church and the Church remains. Some of the problems with the church remains as well - no one person can fix a whole church. So maybe that is where some of it comes from - the perspective that no matter how much I value the church workers who are leaving they can only give a bit of themselves - the rest is up to each of us to choose to follow God and their example. Suddenly I don't feel like I have to be the best pastor in the world, I only need to be a disciplined and servant of God. God does the rest. And I have no reason to believe that God would not use me in the CRC and yet use me in other denominations.

So going to Calvin is doing the earthly things that I can do to allow God to use me in the CRC. If he chooses to use me elsewhere that is fine too.

Its been a long journey to get to this point. I needed to walk away from the CRC and not want it so badly in order to grow enough to consider it. Learning not to write off my own aspirations due to other people's opinions and advice has been very hard. And necessary. We'll see where God leads!

"The call is coming from inside the house..."

Remember the story about the babysitter getting the scary phonecalls?  The police trace it and warn "the call is coming from inside the house".  There are certain themes that come up in scary movies - strange thumping noises coming from other rooms, the power cutting in and out, the flash of lightening lighting up "something" in front of the picture window.  In the old days every movie had a point where you would sit in your seat begging the characters to not look out the window, don't open that door, for heaven's sakes let the phone ring.

I had that real life adventure last weekend.  We were camping in a campground that is really for urbanites - over 900 spots, a store, snack bar and comfort stations on site.  We chose a site a bit up the road from the comfort station and at 4 a.m. I just had to make the  trip.  Cliff went along and we quietly walked the dirt road past all the tents in the eerie dark.  Its rather unreal - all of these people sleeping in tents amongst strangers.

We got back to the tent and settled in.  I'm not sure if I actually fell asleep or was just dozing off when I heard steps right outside the tent.  At first I was a bit curious - I quickly realized it couldn't be a bear - its just not that kind of campground.  As I am thinking about this I wonder if Cliff hears it too.  I end up poking him in the chest and he grabs my hand.  I hold my breath as I listen imagining a raccoon.  Except...I definitely now hear footsteps and they stop right at the door of the tent.  I'm a visual person so I imagine the person crouching at the tent and I'm trying to figure out what's next.  Will they try to quietly open the tent?  Are they standing with a knife?  I hear the footsteps start again and they seem to be moving away.

When its safe, I whispher to Cliff and he confirms he heard it and we discuss which way the steps went.  Since they were last heard on my side he suggestst I OPEN THE TENT WINDOW AND PEER OUT.   As I am grabbing the zipper I'm thinking this is crazy - this is the point where everyone says "DON'T UNZIP THAT WINDOW".  I don't know why but I end up doing it scared of what I might see - as it was there was nothing to see.

Cliff does not have these neurotic thoughts - he doesn't imagine someone waiting for me to unzip the window staring in at me.  He settles back down.  I sleep with one ear cocked...

We never did figure out what happened.  It could have beens someone also coming back from the comfort station who ended up at the wrong tent...but ....

I have never recovered from Poltergeist.  The crazy clown doll is missing from the chair, kid begins to look under the bed to see if it is there and BOOM - the clown comes at him from behind!

The Age of Entitlement or Why Your Hot Chocolate Will Now Be Served Lukewarm

So I'm in McDonald's getting breakfast.  This guy comes up to the counter with 2 cups and 2 individual little bowls of milk.  He says  "This is too hot.  I burned my tongue" and looks at the server as if she is personally responsible for his burnt tongue and is awaiting resolution.

I notice that he is using a straw.  What kind of hot beverage do you drink with a straw?  I'm thinking they must have made a mistake and put a hot beverage when he asked for a cold one.

The server asks what he order and he explains hot chocolate - but its too hot.  The server says "Oh you wanted chocolate milk".  She turns to tell the original server that the order was done wrong.  He interjects that he did want hot chocolate just that this is too hot and it burned his tongue.  The original server explains that is why she gave him two saucers of milk to add to cool it down. 

He doesn't want milk.

The other server offers to put ice in it.

He doesn't want ice.

He wants a new one made warm.

The server explains that there is no way to control the temperature of the hot chocolate because the machine automatically heats the milk so that its hot.  But she can add some cold milk when she makes it if he agrees.

He doesn't agree but doesn't disagree either.  He seems to be leaving the door open incase when she remakes it it is still too hot.

Two servers trying to please one customer with different offers which are rejected is ridiculous.  I turn to him and say "You do know you are in McDonald's?".  He says "that's not the point".

Actually it was the wrong point and I realized after I sat down and hoped he came over to bitch me out.  The point is you are a young man.  You can take the lid off and let the hot chocolate cool to its perfect temperature.  You can add ice.  You can add cold milk.  You can stop being a crybaby 6 year old and man up.  It is time to take responsibility for yourself and your desires.  It is not the underpaid staff's responsibility to customize their menu to suit your straw sucking needs.  In short - put on your big boy underwear.

This my dear readers is why we can't have nice things.  Someone will always find it too hot or too cold.  It used to be we understood that we were customers and that the customers is always right BUT we also understood that we would not ask for things which were not realistic.  I expect my Big Mac to be put together properly and not slopping around in the container and I have no problem with someone holding up the line to have one properly prepared.   But we do not have the right to demand off menu items.  Lukewarm chocolate is not on the menu.

Now I will admit a prejudice.  If this had been an old cranky man I would have let it go.  My father was cranky before his time and as you can see I'm not far behind...

12 Angry Men and One Confused Professor

Okay, I'm not really into feminism.  I don't get the gender thing - not used to it being an issue but lately I'm getting pissed off.

I'm in class when we talk about how to measure the spirituality of a congregation using this as the too:

"People have frequent, meaningful conversations about their spiritual journey"

The prof said he had asked this question of other groups of pastors and they said that this did not describe their church.

So then one of the students mentions that a Barna study noted that many men (I think it was 60%) do not have close friends that they can talk with.

So I'm thinking - churches generally have more women then men, men have difficulties in finding other men to share with, churches seem to have a problem in nurturing spiritual conversations.  In one of those moments of clarity I blurted out - "Then why are churches mostly led by men?".

Silence, tense clearing of throats. The guy next to me says that the comment is "gender politics".  What does that mean?

We are urged to get back on track.  Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that my questions was unrelated to the question.  There are 12 men in the room and the 13th is the prof.  This course is open to anyone.  No women were available or felt the need to attend.  I was expecting someone to explain to me their motivation for ministry - no one said "I was called because I saw a gap in helping men express their spirituality"  or "the way church currently addresses spirituality is too _____".

The prof also kept forgetting I was in the room.  To his credit I did miss part of the lecture as I was only dropping in.  But to keep using the term "men....and ladies" or my favourite "guys...and Victoria" was annoying.  Whether I am in the room or not use the general form.

So I realized that I hit a nerve and vowed to myself to be more careful with these shrinking violets  (really I'm not bitter :)

The next day we had a discussion about how to take the Kingdom of God story down to an elevator conversation so that if we were on business we could give a quick explanation to those that ask.  I asked why we wouldn't just listen and ask questions of the person seeking the need of the person and tie their story to God's story - I don't use memorized "elevator" speeches.  As the conversation progressed we were trying to find the magic bullet.  I said that I wonder if this is a male thing - I really don't feel pressured when I am asked about Jesus, salvation or anything to come up with a tidy quick answer.  I explained that I understand that women complain when their husbands give them an answer rather than engage them in conversation.  I've been accused of doing the "male" think of trying to fix rather than listen so I figure this is safe to say.

Again there was discomfort.

One of the students then said  "What about women who have lots of friends...and it gets them in trouble!".  Then he made an exclamation like he had won a point - that I had lost the arugment.

Now years ago I wouldn't have even understood what that meant.  Women don't often see themselves as corrupted by other women rather the stereotype is that women have it in for other women like cats fighting.  But in the Christian stereotype women get together to gossip and mislead:

1 Tim 5:13  Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to.  (NIV)

The class laughs, a few go "ooooh" and someone suggests we get back on track.

I was really angry but what am I going to say?  I've already antagonised this group by asking gender questions which I guess is not allowed.  If I say anything in anger it looks like I'm defensive.  I just shut up for the thankfully short time left and didn't rejoin the group.

In speaking to someone the next day about what to do we agreed that it was probably a missed moment to address this - it was late in the week and I would likely not gain anything by walking into a room of 13 men and telling them I thought the joke was in poor taste.  

What has really pissed me off is that in the room were two people that I have supported one in class in defense of his denomination and the other with support both personal and financial when he was just starting out.  Neither would stick their neck out and yet they say their wives are important to their ministry.

What really surprised me is the person that said it allows women to preach.  I now understand that someone can agree theologically with women in leadership but still have hurtful stereotypes that they think are funny.  The "gossipy, trouble making woman" is still alive in the minds of people - not just men - think of Helen Lovejoy on the Simpsons.  She has her batch of church cronies that she hangs with, she gossips continually and she creates trouble for other characters.  She is a carricature of the gossipy woman just as Ned Flanders is a carricature of the holy man.

I never fought for my right to preach.  I have listened with respect to those who hold a different theological point of view making sure to never put my foot forward where it will offend.  However, if men can't or won't lead other men to a deeper place of relationship then get out of the way and let someone else who gives a darn do it.  As a woman I have read up on the feminization of the church in order to be sensitive to the complaints that men say they do not relate to the sermons - why can't male leaders do the same - it is their call as much as it is mine.

They Beat It Out of Me

I was reading a few previous entries thinking - "gee, did I write that?".   I've always been a little intense but obviously anything light hearted has been beated out of me - or maybe just beaten down.  I've become a bore with nothing but rants to break up the monotony.   I don't know that I was ever funny but at least I had something lighthearted or humourous to offer up.  One of my first questions to the pastor regarding worship was if we were allowed to laugh at his jokes.  The congregation just doesn't laugh out loud.  I think they know its supposed to be funny but they just don't do it.  They don't cry at funerals either.  They are a real joy to preach with!

Its Back

I shut this thing down because I had originally started it with the intent of figuring out which part of me could hang around for the ride and which part had to go as a Christian.  I have a dark sense of humour - I prefer laughter at the paradox of life then at the cute kittens of life.  I have tried not to laugh at others - just as I try to not judge the people who drive me crazy.  However, there is a difference between laughing at what we do as humans and what individuals do - I think.  Or maybe not. 

Of course I have no idea if anyone will look at this - sadly, I make myself laugh so I guess it serves some purpose.

An Intern Looking for Work!

Yup, its almost done.  The MDiv that is.  After 7 years starting with an undergrad I'm not ready to be let loose on the unsuspecting public.

It also took me 7 years to figure out a portion of what I'm called to do.  It seems that preaching is a good fit - as long as I can do it in a context - that is I'm not crazy on doing tons of supply preaching  - I prefer to preach into a situation.

On the other hand, supply preaching gives me an opportunity to use my other "gift" which is to preach prophecy.  Not prophecy in the secular understanding of fortune telling but rather taking in the big picture and offering  a word of comfort or warning based on God's perspective (to the best of my ability ;).

But I'm also knee deep in other stuff right now so it may be a time to take a breath.  I've applied for a part time role but haven't heard anything and in the meantime C is working is butt off in a good job with lousy pay and I am working on getting mother-in-law assessed for nursing home.  The car is on its last legs.  My brother is a house guest who may be here for awhile.  God has been good to us and is teaching me (forcing me) to learn to rely on Him more and less on what we used to have as a security.  Losing the well paying, full benefits job has been tough on C and me but we are doing well.

So I'll try to keep the blog light and hopefully it will be reflective of a normal person who just happens to be called to ministry and also happens to be one very mixed up regular Joe (or Jane, I guess).

I've also come to realize that my quirky humour is not appreciated by all people.  I think God has a tremendous sense of humour - I think when patience runs low it relys on humour - then it turns to smiting.  Humour is the tension of the huge gap between reality and perfection.  The prophet in me just can't help pointing out how feeble our attempts at grand living are!

For LK

I'm analytical.  I also find humour in some stuff.  I like to teach things that confused me at one point.  Preaching appeals in some ways - but the creativity of it is tough.  Sometimes I have a great anecdote that seems to fix the text so well - I can imagine people making the link between the text and this great example I have.  Sadly after hours of writing, checking email, reading Craiglist and getting a snack it hits me.  The sermon is not coming together because this great anecdote just doesn't fit anywhere.  I don't know how the creative part comes together.  Wanting to express something but not finding the right structure is frustrating.  Whether this is a talent or just takes practice I haven't decided.  I'm leaning towards that it is something one is born with.

Craigslist: Digital Genitals - Models needed (Toronto)

I thought this was going to be a source of cheap humour and not worthy of my higher intellect.  Until I read this which obviously shows that this is one class act:

Please send in a description of your genitalia, your age, your ethnicity, along with a small colour photo.

Men: PLEASE NO ERECTIONS!
Women: Please apply - I need you on this one.
This is a professional shoot - please act accordingly. 
AND

This is unpaid work however, wine & nibbles will be provided at the shoot. 

Hey, I`m a big fan of the canape and eating while standing up but after having those pictures taken I`m ready to go home.  I can`t get the idea out of my mind of these random naked people eating cocktail wienies trying to come up with small talk......