Church Rant

I haven't really gotten around to calling people, havent'really wanted to talk about it.

I'm bummed with my hunt for a church. Now I have to be careful with this because many of the people reading this are waiting for me to give them a good reason not to think about God and church and all that.

But church is a bunch of people. Just like at a bar. Ian hangs with people at the bar and they have discussions, fall outs and politics. Don't get him started about the darts group! Bars are more tolerable because even if you don't drink you can laugh at the ones who do. But church is crazy because we think it should be different. Of course it should, the people should be kinder and more loving to one another. And for the most part we are better than the average bar - because if we are authentic you see us at our worst - when we are ourselves - or like the nice guy who gets obnoxious after a few beers. Yet we keep coming back to see each other.

The problem is that the church building and its people do a lousy job of advertising what the whole point of showing up is. Without God, church would be hell. A bunch of people that you wouldn't want to sit next to on the bus singing together, meeting and making decisions together and discussing important topics like religion together. Its like one long day at work without the salaries and the risk of losing a job to keep everyone in line and there is no retirement to look forward to.

That's what you need to know about church. We are there, most of us anyways, because we love God and church is where we go to worship him and tell him how we feel about him and what he has done in our lives. It makes no sense to someone who doesn't love God how anyone could stand going to church. Just like those freaky beauty pageants for three year olds make absolutely no sense to those of us who see them for the very scary demented hobby that they are.

Yes, there are people in church who haven't experienced God personally. I admire them for showing up every week because they think they should. But the majority of us are there because we have to be there - its where we belong and we just have to learn how to love each other.

My frustration is that the very institution that is used to gather those who worship God is not geared for people who want to find out about religion. There are shops in Bayview Village that I would never have the courage to look in - I don't have the style, the figure or the cash. Why would I expect people who don't know God want to come into church and poke around? Well, I don't. So my frustration isn't with church and the politics - its with what I can't seem to get done with church.

I am ready to go out and be Christ's hands and feet and hopefully say some things that he would approve of in an effort to let people know how loving God is and how this crazy stuff I believe is so true to me. But I don't know how to do it by myself and I can't seem to find a church ready to do it with me.

So while I sort this out, I'm quiet about church and my calling. I'm trying to get my head together which means listening for God's leading. I'm sure I'm a paradox to many of you - you see how passionate I am and frustrated at the same time. It's not church or God - its trying to fit it all together.

I'm Gonna Be Rich - Miracle Water

I've been feeling fed up with the institution of church. But now I can put things into perspective.

I'm a sucker for those tele evangelist shows. The crazier they are the better. I sit and exclaim over and over - "why do people watch this crap!".

Well Rev. Popoff has some amazing miracle water. It comes in a plastic tube and you drink it to receive your miracle. After watching a series of women exclaim that they drank the water and received the blessing of unexpected money I just couldn't stand it anymore I had to have some. I needed to know what this package would look like and how slick would it have to be for someone to actually believe the good ole' Rev.

Cliff refused to call for me. Usually he will do something like this for me albeit reluctantly. Not this time. I had to call myself. See, I didn't want the person on the other end of the line to think that I was really into this sham but on the same hand I wanted to get my miracle water so I could have a peek at this whole industry.

Didn't matter in the end - the good rev has his own outgoing message, all I needed to do was leave my name and address and my prayer request. I didn't leave a prayer request because it seemed wrong to make fun of that part! I did use my maiden name though because I really don't want this stuff going to my real name.

I got my miracle water today! It was very exciting to read that Rev. Popoff is well acquainted with the very hard place that I am in in my life right now. As God's prophet he has guaranteed me that I have great blessings coming to me on January 5th, 2008. He is also very interested that I trust in God's promises and give a seed offering to God to the tune of 17 dollars. Then God will shower me with all of the blessings that I've got coming to me.

Sadly this is only one part of this tommyrot. The rest is that I must sleep with my miracle water on the floor next to my bed and drink it tomorrow morning. Okay, not a chance. The water has supposedly come from some spring revealed to a priest and his followers in Russia folllowing the Chernobyl accident.

As soon as my 17 dollars hits the Rev's pocket he will send me even more blessings. In the meantime, I have a second envelope to open after I have done all the miracle water stuff. I was warned not to open it yet but well I'm not very obedient. Inside is another long winded letter indicating that I am so truly blessed and set apart by God for some incredible events. I just need to show my absolute willingness to bless God with 27 dollars. Oh yes, I also have a piece of silver mylar - looks a bit like a piece of tinsel that I have to tie around my wrist and sleep with - only for one night. I send that and the money. The rev needs the tinsel because he feels powerfully called upon to pray through something that I have worn.

Now if anyone is confused enough to do the first letter I can only imagine what kinds of stuff they want to send with the second letter. If you really believe he is going to hold this stuff in his hands and pray through it wouldn't you send him something like your underwear or t shirt or something that you have actually lived in?

We are just waiting to see what stuff gets sent to us now. Not only will there be all of the pleas for my money from this guy but I bet I get on some really weird mailing lists.

It cost this guy 1.30 to send all this to me, plus the cost of the materials and the late night advertising. People must be so gullible - and it makes me sad because he has twisted the Gospel so much that people are apt to blame God for not receiving their riches rather then this sleazy operator.

A Whole Aisle of Weird Bread

Okay, I wrote about the weird bread once before - you know the European style bread that sits on the ledge by the Deli counter. You don't get a whole loaf - they come in little half size bags and they look like you could replace the soles of your shoes with them.

Anyhow, I went to Highland Farms and experienced a whole new shopping experience. I'm really sensitive to my cultural surroundings and new I was in the wrong store from the front door. Its very European and it has a whole aisle devoted to the weird bread. I still didn't see anyone buying it but there certainly was a lot to choose from. The deli counter was packed with people waiting to be served - 3 deep in places - I guess they needed to move the bread so it wouldn't get squashed!