Things are what they seem...

Here's a story from long ago. This one is for my other L friend - LH who knows how I can get into a righteous rant!

I was volunteering and on a certain evening we had a legal aid clinic that offered some free advice. The lawyer who came in was a nice man - didn't really get to know him but he seemed pleasant enough. He worked in a little room to the side of our counter.

One day he is working and my coworker comes back from the room and says "Sorry, I just had to tie Joe's shoe for him". Well I was infuriated. Where did this lawyer get off thinking that he can ask volunteers to tie his shoes! Really! Was it because some of the volunteers had no choice but to do as asked? I was in a righteous rant. Suddenly I realised that I was getting a bemused look from my coworker. He says:







"You know he only has one arm don't you?"




Um, no I didn't. I had worked with this guy for a long time and never noticed that one of his arms was a prosthetic with no function. I was extremely thankful he hadn't asked me to tie his shoes!!

Especially for LK

For those who are not familiar with Christianity or literary themes - the ease with which the devil tempted Eve was that he is the master of lies - telling them so well that they are believable - because they play on our weaknesses.


I have a secret. I used to be quite proud of this story but now sort of see it in a different light. You will understand the picture and my altered view on this event at the end.

Its especially for LK who I hope will see the humour in it.

I worked as a volunteer for a great number of hours. I absolutely loved the job - it was working with helping people finding info they needed. I was out of high school and looking for work having determined that my first career choice was not going to work out.

The head of the volunteers was a real nutcase. She was very needy and manipulated people. I didn't really understand it at the time but now I see her busy ways and continual drama was to compensate for something else missing in her life.

After over a year of solid volunteer work I noticed that volunteers would suddenly leave. People who had volunteered or a long time would suddenly quit. One afternoon I was asked to work and one of the older workers was offended that I was there - she didn't feel that she needed the help. She told me very clearly that if the boss did not call her back by the end of the week she would not come back.

Well the boss didn't call back. I felt a sense of urgency but she just kept brushing it off. She brushed the volunteer off as well. Then something happened where it was accidentally divulged to me that a lot of the volunteers were there to complete their community service hours. I suddenly realised that the long term volunteer volunteers didn't seem to last. At one point another leader in the service agency pointed out that we would not be so short of volunteers if my boss could keep them longer. She was infuriated and I commiserated with her not totally getting it.

Then one day it happened to me. I was booked to do something and she totally ignored my request for a bathroom break and made it sound that I was unreasonable when I asked why I was not relieved (literally). Another time she accused me of getting too close to my male friend who I worked with and insisted on splitting us onto different shifts. He couldn't say anything because he was not exactly there by choice.

Another volunteer left. I really liked her but I was warned that she had been a problem.

I loved working there and my fiance in one of the few times he has ever told me his opinion told me to leave. In the end she accused me of telling someone that one of the workers was there on community service. Being employed at a highly sensitive government agency I was really offended and worried by her accusation. I had to quit.

I mulled this over in my head. How could I quit and keep my integrity? She would likely say that I had to leave. She would hint that I had done something "horrible". That it was good for everyone that I had left. It just really bothered me - I couldn't stand people thinking the worse of me and her getting away with it.

I hit upon the perfect plan. I went to my next shift walked over to her and handed her my key to the office and said very slowly with great annunciation.


"Here is your f'***ing key, take it and shove it up your a**" And then I ran like heck to the car parked outside before she could call security.

This was the most brilliant plan. My boss told anyone who would listen about what I had done to her. My good friend who still worked there was banned from speaking to me! She also told him to tell me that I would never volunteer in the City of North York ever again. Which was funny because he pointed out he could hardly tell me since he wasn't allowed to speak to me! Apparently a week later she was still telling everyone who would listen what I had done. She could not believe it. Well...neither could they. I purposefully hid myself for a bit so I wouldn't run into anyone. So when my friend told me how she was telling this huge lie about me and how no one believed her I had a good laugh. So did he when I told him I had actually done it! No one thought that I was capable of being so rude and offensive. The little old ladies who volunteered could not imagine such a thing - I am just so sweet and quiet.

Apparently things didn't quiet down for months. And no one ever believed any of the stories made up about how I was a lousy volunteer because the one story she told that was absolutely true was so outrageous they thought she made it up.

That was about 21 years ago. I don't tell that story much anymore because it really shows a conniving mean spirit. I still feel really uncomfortable when my integrity comes into question - I am open and willing to take responsibility for my faults but I just can't stand being accused of something I haven't done.


There you go LK - a story that I'm only telling because you need some entertainment!

Craigslist

Here is an item someone has posted:

People who have worked with dead or dying people (Toronto)

One of the Peanuts' characters replied once "My mind is reeling with sarcastic replies". Yes, as is mine. How many people are going to email in jokes about their coworkers!


And from the lost and found department I thought this was pretty funny:

"Found a Yarmulke on Ossignton between bloor and Hallam. I left it there, but could go back and look for it if someone owns it. It had two little clips on it. "

Um, is this for real? I go out of my way to help people but not to this extent. I'm going to post this on the off chance someone looks to see if it was found?

That was short....

In case you are wondering, yes I have found my humour after a short stint of being very sad yesterday and this morning very angry at my church.

Well today I was very angry - not really at my church but at the situation. I've come to appreciate that people don't set out to be jerks. No one wakes up and says "today I'm going to be the biggest jerk I can, I'm going to offend someone, crush someone and make fun of someone at the gas station". It just happens. I wish I could claim this insight for myself, but a pastor who had really made a bad judgement call that had pissed me off asked me if I thought he had purposefully set out to do something that was obviously unwise (downshill skiiers excluded). I had to admit that as much as I thought what he did was stupid I couldn't imagine him purposefully choosing to do so. I'm not saying it never happens, there are some people who are out to make life difficult for others in certain situations.

So I can be angry and frustrated and hurt. But at the end of the day its not going to help.

I have struggled to remain with this denomination for some time. I have met brilliant, godly people who had left a long time ago because they couldn't hack it. I am hoping that I am released from here. I assumed that leaving this church meant leaving the denomination but I had this rather disturbing realization that I kind of assumed that! I'm not sure what God has planned!

What If...

What if everyone had friends living in isolation that needed a laugh to keep them going? Wouldn't we find more things to laugh about and share? Or perhaps we would start to stretch our humour to the point of hurting others just to find something to laugh about.

I remember a long time ago meeting with someone who was surprised to learn that I was afraid to try new things. Small things like pumping gas. Why on earth would someone be afraid to do that? Well, because I always picture the person in the car waiting behind me having a running commentary of my stupidity:

Me: trying to undo the gas cap

Other: yes, dear, its a gas cap. It only turns one way, its not difficult, its not a child proof bottle..

Me: Trying to figure out how to select the gas type.

Other: Yup, that's the hose, that's where the gas comes out. Staring at the pretty buttons isn't going to help, stick the blooming hose in the tank already and pick a grade!

Me: Click, Click, Click - waiting for the gas to start (this still happens - what is it some kind of secret to get the gas to pump)

Other: Press the nozzle you stupid......

Me: trying to get the hose untwisted to hang it back up

Other: For crying out loud - just leave the bl^%* thing on the ground and pay already!!!

Now, this kind person who was interviewing me asked why I thought the person waiting in line would possibly care if I didn't know how to pump gas. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I have on occasion made fun of others. Not in a mean way exactly and not for those who are obviously beyond confused (I get out and help them). But there was a time where watching other's foibles made me laugh. I don't do this much anymore, I now try to concentrate on funny situations outside of personal interactions. Not making fun of people but making fun of circumstances. Things that I think God would laugh at - I don't think he makes fun of people at gas pumps somehow.

Not Ready to Minister?

Interesting meeting.

What do you do if you feel you have been called to ministry and have followed the call for years only to be told that your church won't recommend you for seminary? The funny thing is I'm already in seminary! They won't recommend me to finish a program within the CRC - well they will but only with reservations. I have to join with some people who will work with me for a year.

See, I'm moody and not always cheerful or whatever it is a pastor is supposed to be.

The funny thing is that the ones suggesting that I need to journey with people for accountability don't already know that I have been doing this for a year.

So obviously, I'm a lost cause. I don't have the right goods to enter seminary. Calvin has high standards is what I'm told.

Here's the funniest part. I am obviously disturbed as I was about to seek a job as an associate pastor somewhere. I stated that this is a huge issue and I don't know what I am going to do about looking for work. I HAD TO EXPLAIN WHY HOW THE LACK OF APPROVAL FOR SEMINARY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME GETTING A JOB!

I don't feel good about going out and getting a job in pastoral ministry when I am obviously not seen as suited for seminary (without reservations that is).

I'm in trouble anyhow. I told one of the people in the meeting that he was being a bully and defensive. He was upset about something and kept slamming his hand on the table which I found very intimidating and then it just pissed me off. He suggested that I'm the bully! Huh? ("I know you are but what am I"?).

So pray for me - for clarity. I want to honour God in what I do. The thing is whether in ministry or any other job I have the same personality. Its not like its okay to be "unChrist-like" in other settings. So what do I do - get a lobotomy? Work the night shift at the morgue? Help me out with your prayers because I'm just not sure anymore and I can't make any decisions right away.

Take my rant with humour - I'm really hurting!

No TV

We have done away with our TV. Or I guess you could say our TV has done away with providing us hours of couch surfing.

We have one of those sets with the VCR built in. If the tape is not in the VCR the TV shuts off. This was okay until the other day when I accidentally ejected the tape and I cannot get it to sit in place any longer.

We still have the old style cable - not digital and we had been thinking of scaling back our cable service to the basics. Well, to do that you need to buy the digital box. So we decided to cancel cable for now. Sooner or later they will send us a letter trying to get us to subscribe.

There is one huge drawback. I'm not sure how it happened but with the number of repeats on TV my channel surfing would stop at NASCAR races. C enjoys these so I started watching while I do other things. I'm now very interested in these partly because C is very excited when they are on.

Yes, we have become NASCAR fans. Not devoted quite yet. But on our way. This is shocking to some of my friends.

I have heard that you can pay to watch some things over the Internet but I'm not sure how this works for NASCAR - I don't want to get taken so I'm looking around to see what we can do. If we can find an answer to the NASCAR issue we may be able to give up TV permanently and just rent the shows we want to watch.

Its been about a week - I've stopped automatically reaching for the remote. But my laptop is getting a work out!

Craigslist

I have a new addiction. Craigslist.

Do you have any idea how much free stuff is to be had in the City of Toronto! People post when they are throwing out their junk on the curb or in some cases invite you into their home to pick up their junk.

This has intrigued me as we need a new couch. I mean this one is really bad and is all falling apart. Its okay for us but if we have visitors we will have to do something.

But people throw away perfectly good sofas for different reasons. As long at there is no pee stains or gnaw marks I don't care.

Of course "free" is a relative term. I don't have a van or a truck which means my friend with the truck will likely be asked once again to help us out.

But still....

And if you garden, look for free topsoil or as in most cases free fill. Bring a shovel and get as much as you can load.

Pretty cool!

McDonald's is Disgusting! Clowns - Scary!

Yeah, I know you already knew this. For years you have wondered why anyone would spend money on this junk.

Ah..I was an addict. The thought of a Big Mac all warm with that sauce! and those fries!

Well the fries are now done in the new oil so they don't have that clogging artery taste they used to have. And well the Big Mac was very disappointing. The patties have gotten smaller (!) and the whole thing was rather disappointing. Then I saw the bill - 4.09 for a Big Mac! 1.99 for the large fries and 1.79 for the pop.

See, I'm broke. Suddenly the price of the food has become a relative notion. What was once cheap is now expensive. I could buy real meat for that price! And water is free.

So, I have joined the ranks of the living who have always understood Ronald McDonald to be a typical clown - happy and smiling with an evil heart. I really have a problem with clowns. I find them very disconcerting and the more friendly and caring they are the more they freak me out. I have a friend who claims that all pastors are thieves and kiddy diddlers. Of course I dispute this for pastors - but I believe this about clowns! No wonder Grimace is neurotic!

For the clown lovers out there - you recognise a hardened heart and that no amount of teaching will help. Perhaps one day the clown spirit will enlighten me.

For those who understand:

Friends and Church Family

I have been reflecting on the difference between friends and church family from the standpoint of being a pastor. There is a huge difference!

Church family are your family for a time. They are at times closer than any friend you have in conflict whether on your side of the conflict or the other. But at the end of the day when you move on they stay where they are. You merely move in and out of their lives and they in yours.

When you are unable to commit your whole life to a church this is true. For those who move into a town and need to move out or for those who are called to ministry and know that the assignments and journey may mean more than one family on the way.

I thought I could do it differently. That the church family that have become friends would be friends forever. But really how often does this happen in real life? How often have I let someone down who expected a call and never received one? How many friends did I keep from the places that I worked - is church any different?

I resent this. Like having a friend that is a pastor who is only my friend in that circumstance. I resent it in my own life that there will be people that I will invest heavily in that will never be a friend once I am forced to move on.

This is the selfish form of love. One that a pastor cannot afford because it means that "true" friendship and the role of church family become two distinct things. People get categorized - just as I have done into "real" friends and "friends on the journey". If I invest wanting assurances that all friends will remain then I will be disappointed - thus the desire to not invest at all. We have all come across those who have been burned too many times to keep investing in people.

The trick for me is to learn how to understand this not just as a parishioner but as a pastor. I will likely hurt people along the way who thought that I could maintain 100's of relationships!

Pastors are notorious for not having close friends and I can honestly say that with the exception of one person who truly knows me spiritually I have no Christian friends that contact me out of the blue to say "Hi" or to catch up. All of my good friends - that is the ones I can tell my darkest fears to or cry in front of or swear and rant and rave are the same ones from before I became a Christian. This is interesting and I am thankful for this journey this way. Not needing to be the pastor for others when we sit and chat is a huge blessing! Having friends that can let me be me is a huge gift.

This is a hard transition going from pew to pulpit - particularly in this weird place I am in which is partly between the pew and pulpit. In the aisle - not quite knowing where to go. Most people do it a different way. They leave their church as a parishioner, go to seminary and then pop out the other end as a minister. The whole process of shedding one skin which looks remarkably like the new skin is hidden from view. I would never suggest a student do what I did - that is try to change roles in the same church unless that church is ready to know what this means and can really step up and create the right mix of nurture - and then be ready to let you go without regret - unselfish love in action.

What I've Decided....

I've been avoiding blogging - something I avoid when I have an internal struggle going on but perhaps this it is helpful for the few who read and pray for me to know where everything is going.

For various reasons that are not too clear yet, I will not be preaching in my home church. It appears to be a process issue at this point.

I am pleased to say that I have a pulpit open to be at a church next week - it is a pleasure and a burden to preach particularily in a church I have never visited. But the offer has been gracious - no advanced expectations just an open door with the offer to preach what I feel called to preach. How different then submitting a sermon and waiting for "approval". I honour both approaches for what they say about the role of preaching, though I have to say the latter is much preferred in this case! I got this opportunity by screwing up my courage and sending an email to a pastor I had met briefly about a possible position indicating I was available for summer supply. He emailed back immediately with this date.

I have a classmate a year ahead who is an elder and has offered me two dates at his church. Again, Presbyterian and no requirement to submit my manuscript. It seems so surreal that as a stranger I am received with less hesitation. A classmate insists that this is a variance of Jesus and his lack of acceptance by those who just knew too much about him. Maybe. That's sad as it takes away the glory of God's working in my life. I prefer to believe it is a process issue.

So with the lack of opportunity to gain more and more experience and a very tight budget for school next year it is time to look for a job in ministry. I had imagined getting a secular job and gaining tons more hands on experience - particularly in churches that were short pastors - but this seems to work against me. The empty leadership positions are still empty, the pulpit is still filled by others - this has not worked in my favour!

So if I get a secular job where do I get the preaching, leadership and pastoral experience I want to get? If I change churches I go as an unknown and will need to wait until I have the culture down and they trust me to give me volunteer work.

It seems that my days as a parishioner have come to an end and it is time to formally take the position of paid ministry. It makes a huge difference in how one is observed - both good and bad in that. But at least there will be responsibilities and a chance to serve and to grow spiritually.

I thought it would feel different - that I would not only know that it was time to go but would feel called elsewhere. So I think that this is the wilderness again - knowing that I will be called elsewhere and that where I am is just a time of desert living.

I was reading a friend's blog about being somewhere where you know you are not putting roots. In turn, I am unrooting myself!