Moving...

We were supposed to be moving the stuff out of our cottage tomorrow but could not get a truck until next week.

Is there anything as annoying about moving then trying to get a truck at the end of the month?

Which reminds me of a story...

When we had bought our house we needed to pick a day when we moved our big stuff so I could take time off and so on. Well the day came and I stewed as it got closer to noon and C still hadn't shown up with the truck (what a waste of a day off).

He was infuriated when he got home - not with a truck but with a van. He was lucky to get a van. The truck we had booked was cancelled by our sister-in-law. She had been splitting up with her husband so we figured it was some kind of nasty vendetta on the family. Turns out that due to the split she had booked a truck. Then she found a truck somewhere else and cancelled it. When the company saw our name with a truck booked for a different date they cancelled it in error. Needless to say the move was longer than it should have been as we had to make multiple trips!

The best people to move are non-family. As a volunteer you have no vested interest in what is going on. You know that you are free to leave. Its also somewhat amusing to watch other people freak out and get frustrated. Its like the difference between hanging wall paper with your spouse or doing it for someone else.

Why I Haven't Been Blogging

I have been feeling really overwhelmed with work and school. Not because I'm busy but more because of the intellectual and philosophical demands. At one point I was thinking I could not stand to stay within the church one more minute. Which led me down the path to thinking that I could not be bothered to stay in Seminary. Which would mean that I just spent a lot of money and time to get to the place that most people get to just by going to a few congregational meetings. Much cheaper and quicker ways to get disillusioned.

However, I am back on track. I have found a mentor which is a huge relief, found a new church and am learning to deal with the oddities of my workplace.

Whenever I don't blog its because I'm working on something - usually I'm not aware of it until I have figured it out. I really need to get an accountability group.

No Christmas Presents This Year

1. "Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

This is a quote from one of my favourite sites "Shit My Dad Says". Its the viewpoints of a 73 year old man as quoted by his live in son using Twitter. To clarify he has a grandchild still in diapers (I had to think about that for a minute).

This guy has a lot of wisdom. Like he doesn't need anymore friends - he has enough and all friends ever ask from you is to help them move!! I never noticed this tendency before. With the exception of my brother helping me move on one of my two moves I have never had friends help. Yet we do seem to help others.

Anyhow, my point actually was that I am on a no buying thing this year. Yeah, being on EI is a motive as well but in reality I don't need more stuff except time with friends. However, my mother is like a child so much effort goes into buy things for her. She also likes "lots of small things so there is more to open". I want to puke. My brother hates Christmas having been a drone in retail for many years. When you need to purchase the Christmas order in late Spring and start setting up the merchandising in October you do tend to be sick of the holiday by the 25th. Then there is the nightmare of the Boxing Day crap the day right after.

So no gifts this idea is working quite well. Except I did pickup one - a book by Garrison Keillor. I ordered it on line and told my husband its from him!

Ben Hur Cologne

I just saw an ad for Ben Hur cologne - apparently it is supposed to bring back memories of a rose garden. I guess it used to be quite the product - all I can think of is sweaty men at the oars! I guess it is a generation gap thing.

Hate/Love Relationship with Hebrew

I am having a complex relationship with Hebrew. Lately I have been disliking it intensely. I am having a really hard time memorizing the words - I can drill a word into my head and the next day it is as if I have never seen it before! Not only that the whole grammar thing is a problem. I don't think I learned much more than adjectives, verbs, adverbs and nouns in school. So the book refers to "direct object" as if it is the most natural thing in the world to know. The student in the class that learned English as a second language is not having any problem.

Anyhow, today I am loving Hebrew a bit more. I feel like I turned a corner - just in time as I have a midterm on Monday. These days of relief are few as in no time I will be lost and struggling again.

Oh yea, the word at the top of the screen is Shalom - peace (or rather lack of strife)

Halloween Pumpkin

Here it is a picture of a Halloween pumpkin that I did up (with some help from C) for the neighbourhood pumpkin festival. I can't take credit for the photo - a Sun photographer took it. Brilliant how he took it from the angle so that the cross was outlined in the sky.

Work is proceeding - luckily there is a neighbourhood association that I have gotten in contact with - hope to join forces with them to get out into the neighbourhood. My last church didn't have such a thing so it was part of my effort to start at the grass roots level. I didn't get very far!

Sexism in the Church

I don't think I ever had a problem with sexism until I entered church life. Even then the first few times that I had it happen to me I didn't catch on. I'm not sure what it is about the culture but I have run into more problems with Christians then with non.

Today after three of us have helped a gentleman out with catching up a course he is behind in I commented that in order to catch up he would need to do all of the exercises as this was essential to really understanding the material and connecting the different lessons. I could tell he had zoned out and was ignoring me. I have seen this before in the church context and at the time hadn't recognized it for what it was.

In the end it doesn't really bother me. We have collectively spent about 10 hours helping him catch up 3 hours worth of material. I like teaching others things that I have problems understanding - I "get" what confuses people once I have struggled through it. But you have to help yourself. He seems to think that learning Hebrew is about someone going through the text book with him as if that's all that's needed. Anyhow, teaching someone else is pretty helpful for my own learning - I had to review it myself!

So Hebrew is going okay. I know where I'm falling down - I'm lousy at memory work so have to really spend the time on it and I sometimes take awhile to catch on how to use what I've learned. I learned that this in Greek - the class that seemed disjointed from everything sooner or later is really essential. I got hung up on Chapter 6 in Greek in my first year and it haunted me for the next year and a half! Hopefully won't make this mistake with Hebrew.

Turning 40.

My brother is turning 40 tomorrow. Being unemployed over a year is not the way to ring in the 40th and we are both sensitive to the whole age issue. So I have been struggling to find gifts that recognize the big 4-0 and yet won't make him more depressed. I came across this helpful suggestion on a website:

Truly touching 40th birthday gift ideas take the sensitive and subtle approach of affirming a loved-one's value. The inevitable aging process can have a negative effect on self-esteem and general worth, particularly when decades pass in whole. Exclusion from youth-oriented culture often has a devastating impact, leading many to question their future and the nature of their place in society. Gifts that invest in a recipient's personal development send the message that they are still vital and worthy.

I'm more depressed then when I started. I'm hoping that this was originally written as copy for someone turning 70 - surely I'm not really as decrepit as this sounds!

BTW - as far as youth culture goes I get enough of it at Tyndale with the undergrad students. Obviously I'm old and cranky because I find them irritating! My friend picked me up from class and noted that she gave me a lot of credit! They are just so full of giggles and starry eyed optimism. I don't think I was ever optimistic :)

Tipping or Hold Your Tongue

We went to a doughnut shop with my mother. There was a tip jar on the counter and I reflected on how much I dislike seeing tip jars in doughnut shops. First of all the establishment should charge enough to pay the employee for the job. Secondly, a tip on a doughnut and a coffee just seems crazy - its not a restaurant.

When my mother joins us at the table she tells us that the server held the jar out towards her. I clarified again and again - are you sure she was hinting that she wanted a tip? Maybe she was just moving it or accidentally banged against it. My mother insisted that she waved the jar at her - and my mother ended up putting 50c in the jar.

I fumed about this. But I have come a long way and realised that this is not my issue - I would love to say something to the clerk but this was something my mother should have addressed if it bothered her.

About 15 minutes later and after a few other conversations about other matters, my mother suddenly pipes up and says "she might have thought that I couldn't see the tip jar because I had the tip in my hand and was just getting ready to put it in the jar.". Uh, yeah. That's a minor detail. Once again I learn patience, grace and to stop expecting the worse from people!

Ex's in Texas

I'm sorry to say we did not sing All My Exes Live in Texas on Monday. After hearing the tune we realised that we definitely need to nail the tune down with the words - there is a verse that just seems jumbled. We will be posting a 30 second clip if we manage.

We had a lot of fun though I prefer sitting in a group singing the songs then trying to do it in front of everyone. Its weird how in your head the tune seems so clear but then when you try to sing it following the lyrics it is harder!

First Wedding Today

I have the privilege of marrying a friends mother and beau today. I'm not licensed so I'm not actually doing the legal bit - someone is doing that a bit before our ceremony. But I am doing the vows and blessing before God which I consider to be really important.

I never really wanted to get into the wedding business - because in many ways it is a business. If a couple are in my church and they want to wed and I have serious misgivings what can I do? The church hires me to give spiritual direction and marry. Maybe some days those two things don't line up. So I rather not get into that whole thing.

Its funny that the couple, particularly the bride has left me with very little instructions. They looked over the ceremony and have approved it but there is not procession down the aisle, no readings by family members or any of the extras. And I realised at the last minute with the grooms poor hearing that repeating the vows may be extra stress - so I called and they prefer that I read the vows and they just say "I do". Even the location is a little worrying - not sure if the spot they chose will fit the number of people - I have a back up plan just in case - I just saw the spot last night! And I found some nice paper to put the ceremony on so when I stand there I am reading from an elegant looking booklet rather than a piece of paper - they can keep it afterwards.

So this is different then what I would normally expect and I wanted to make note of it before the event to see how it goes. I'm confident about it - I have expectations that things will be a little confused but I'm confident that I have thought out what those confusions will be! It is very exciting - C and I have not been out to a party in a long time and this is one I actuallylook forward to - I'm usually reluctant to go to these things.

Tornadoes in Toronto

Okay, this is stupid. We leave this meeting and as we get in the car and driving down Yonge Street the local news station - 680 - reports that there is a funnel cloud sighted at the foot of Jarvis Street. I can see by the green sky to the East and the black sky to the South that this is one nasty storm. I'm a little panicky. C isn't - he figures we should just keep on heading to a coffee shop for a coffee figuring that if its our time its our time. I suggest that heading South on Yonge is really stupid and the least we could do is drive East. Meanwhile they are announcing all kinds of safety warnings - some of which are incredibly innane. Like cars were built to protect you in accidents so stay in your car. I'm not sure how many car companies test their cars in a tornado wind tunnel and can guarantee that my car will fly me to safety.

Anyhow, the panic is there and then the announcer says this really stupid thing. He tells us that a funnel cloud is a tornado that is forming and has not touched landed. A tornado actually touches the land. I'm grateful for this explanation but he has more to say. He asks the callers to please be careful in calling in whether its a tornado or a funnel cloud that they are reporting!

Ahh, yeah, I"ll be sure to note that as I'm kissing my ass goodbye - lucky if I call in at all, don't be picky on the vernacular I use. Note the picture above - a woman is clearly documenting the event so they can determine whether it was just a funnel cloud or a tornado that whipped the camera out of her hand.

We must have just missed the storm by a block because when we got to Bayview there were some trees knocked over including a power line and construction signs and stuff strewn on the street. But we are safe.

Follow Up to Previous Post

Hmm. That was an interesting meeting. I left more conflicted then ever. The possibility of actually getting support from some people to go to Calvin is tempting. I'm tired of self guidance and of trying to learn bits and pieces of each situation - I really want a solid mentor and internship with people to guide me.

It was interesting the quandry I'm in as I can register to Calvin as a student and then receive a license to preach which gets me out of having to deal with the current church for preaching and the whole sticky situation there. However, how do I get a recommendation to Calvin via this particular church? I still have a question of how this will turn out in the end.

I have also been encouraged to remember that not all churches are the same, there are some that are unhealthy just as there are some elders that aren't really meant to be elders. And I know this is true in all places where humans make up the congregation.

I'll have to see how this goes, there are just limited churches in my area that are CRC and few have pastors in place. Its hard finding a mentor.

Maybe I'm taking Hebrew this year for a reason after all.

Turning Point or Just Another Day?

I have an interesting meeting tonight. Dinner with a member (and the most sympathetic I believe) of the denominational body that oversees the guidance of students going to seminary.

Interesting because I have not heard from this body since relaying that Council would not recommend me to seminary without first putting me into an accountability group due to "unChrist like behaviour". Since I was already in a group - with a member of Council sitting on it for a year, it should have been embarassing that I still was deemed to need this help and that Council was unaware that it already existed.

So, I'm curious about what this person has to say on behalf of classis. And I have been careful not to think too much about what I will say. Perhaps silence is the best and to only answer questions put directly to me.

Part of me wonders if this is a turning point - the denomination and church that I gave all of my hopes and time to will now see what they have led me to or if this is just another day in a life. Part of me is vain to wish that they would like to keep me. I have had people since the change over of council note that the denomination would do well to keep me. Sadly I am vain enough to suspect that the denomination could do with far more people like me. This might be because I tenaciously believe that the church has a good approach to understanding our relationship with God through Christ and that what they teach is solid. But what they do! Time and time again they deny the grace we are to extend to others and exact a pound of flesh. Its as if we don't believe anyone truly deserves the Gospel - which is right theologically but kills the Good News that we don't deserve grace but are given it in spite of ourselves.

So as I wait to see what my current relationship with the decidedly pentecostal church will be and journey with the staid Presbyterian group, I have a meeting with this past love.

My favourite part in Pride and Prejudice where Darby declares his love for Elizabeth by noting that despite her low connections and his superior breeding that he can't resist loving her. He is shocked when she turns down this rich offer of marriage as being beneath her own appreciation of herself. I try not to get too interested in what will be said this afternoon, but can't totally eradicate my own sense of justice not too feel a little hopeful that I for once will be the one turning down the offer for a connection with this denomination.

In the end it really doesn't matter. The question comes to can I live in a church where the elders are in full control of the church regardless of their own maturity in Christ? I have a hard time looking the other way and I can't imagine allowing the type of behaviour I witnessed to go unchecked. I can barely do so as a parishioner.

So I go, wise enough to know that I should not have any preconceived wishes or ideas of what the meeting will be like but too sinful not to be totally innocent in wanting some form of justice or recognition for what has been lost.

Growing Arms

I heard a sermon yesterday that really disturbed me. An ancedote was given which indicated that a group had gotten together and prayed for a man who had lost an arm in the war. As a result of the prayer fingers started to grow out of the arm and then slowly a whole new arm emerged.

Now, imagine as I am hearing this what you know must be going through my mind. How can anyone believe that this has happened? I was given the name Frances Hunter which I later looked up on the Internet. I couldn't find claims of growing a whole arm but there are claims of growing a limb under an inch. They are the Happy Hunters. I've never heard of them but they have quite the following. But I note that even the charismatic websites are starting to question these faith healers.

Forget the power of the Spirit - I'm not disputing that. I believe Jesus is God, that he died and rose again on the third day. I beleive that he rose people from the dead. I also know that he has totally changed my life around and as obnoxious as my personality may be at times, I am a different person. This is testimony enough - I don't need new arms growing off of stumps to believe.

But I'm not born yesterday. If this was true, this news story would have shot around the world. For heaven's sakes we have stories about face transplants that we all know about - a new arm growing would be quite the story. Think about how many images of Mary found on potato chips and on the sides of buildings we have heard about - why haven't I heard about the miraculous arm?

Yet, and this really gets me, pastors in my life are often not willing to criticize Benny Hinn, Todd Bentley and others for obvious errors in judgment. They are not willing to suggest that they are frauds as if this somehow denigrates the Holy Spirit. However, if you look at any of the evidence of these faith healings you will find a few ancedotal stories out of the 1000's of healings they do a year. If you want to glorify God wouldn't you want everyone to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has healed? And if God was using you so powerfully would you not be in such a humble state and in such a fear of that power that you would feel obliged to ensure that your bank accounts are open for scrutiny. As pastors we are called to put our lives on display - broken as we are - surely the church bank accounts should be open to scrutiny if suggestions of making money off of healing causes people to stumble?

This is common sense and I don't understand the unwillingness of the holy to take a stand. If you believe that this stuff is real then work to glorify God and answer the skeptics. If you are not sure then work to become sure one way or the other. But putting our head in the sand makes us either ignorant of God's miraculous works or aiding those who are fraudsters to blaspheme God.

All My Exes Live in Texas

Cliff and I are going to learn the song below for Karaoke next Monday night for a driveway party. I was intrigued by the title and promised to sing it next week. I must be crazy.


Chorus:All my ex's live in Texas
and Texas is the place I'd dearly love to be
but all my ex's live in Texas
and that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee

Rosanna's down in Texarkana
wanted me to push her broom
Sweet Eileen's in Abilene
She forgot I hung the moon
and Allison's in Galveston
somehow lost her sanity
and Dimple's who now lives in Temple's
got the law looking for me

Chorus
I remember that old Frio River
where I learned to swim
but it brings to mind another time
where I wore my welcome thin
By transcendental meditation
I go there each night
but I always come back to myself
long before daylight

All my ex's live in Texas
and Texas is the place Id dearly love to be
but all my ex's live in Texas
therefore I reside in Tennessee

Some folks think I'm hidin'
It's been rumored that I died
but I'm alive and well in Tennessee

Redneck?

My mother and brother are making fun of us because we like to watch Nascar races.

Meanwhile the two of them go online to play a computer game with 100,000 other people. Their conversation sounds something like this:

M: Have you been to the dark forest?

B: Yeah, you go there to get the axe.

M: I couldn't find the axe, the goblins kept killing me.

B: You have to go across the fence.

M: I saw the fence but couldn't find an opening.

B: I only go there when I need to. I'm scared of the dark forest.

Huh? Its okay for two adults to go online into a virtual world looking for axes but its redneck to watch drivers and their teams use math and science to figure out how to win a race on the least amount of pit stops and tire changes? Admittedly, watching Nascar is passive. However, I don't have a great inclination to go virtual fishing or virtual tree planting in order to sell what I catch or grow to buy an axe to finish some bizarre ritual to earn points. Fishing is sorta real time. You cast, you wait, you yank up the line.

More frightening is the thought of me coming across my mother while in one of these virtual reality worlds. How weird is that?

Mandarin Buffet

Yup, I was contemplating standing in line for free Mandarin on Wednesday. I spent some time with my brother discussing the factors in choosing a location that would have the fewest in line:

1) must be one you can drive to - accessbility by walking or mass transit allows the lower income who might be attracted to free good food!

2) must be one that is not in the city close to other things - people with children will likely not want to stand in a barren parking lot for hours

3) if it rains, the line will be reduced by one hour wait maybe more

4) the only time to go is for opening - if you don't get in within the first wave there is not telling how long you will wait

5) we debated whether the fact that it is free and you have to wait would result in longer eating times or shorter. When I'm paying the big bucks I will try to get my money's worth. If its free am I trying to get all that I can because its a rare treat or is the fact that I'm in there eating whatever I want enough? We didn't factor in the wait time- if you have waited for three hours would you be more likely to take longer to make up for the standing around or is the fact that you made it in the door victory enough?

I was prepared to go to the Mandarin at 404 and 7. It has lots of criteria - its in a part of town that is not residential but rather mixed used industry. There is limited bus service and no TTC. Its near a Chinese area which I figured might actually work in my favour - would anyone Chinese stand in line to eat here? I figured I could stand for two hours 10 a.m. for 12 p.m. seating.

However, when I read the blogs of the last free dinner years ago I saw that wait times were upwards of 3 or 4 hours! I'm going to stand for four hours and break my diet just because its free? As my mom pointed out the dieting would probably mean the food would be too rich and I wouldn't be able to fill up anyways.

The Yonge and Eglinton location had a line up of 800 people before it opened. I'm sure my strategy would have worked - but we opted to drive up to the cottage to make sure its still standing and to open it up for the season. July 1st was a great day to go -coming home the highway was pretty smooth!

Update

Well, I think I've come to terms with my journey at this point. I have no answers except that reading the beginning of Romans has really helped centre me a bit in taking criticism in stride.

I have also been thinking of specific people and their full personalities and realising that many of them would not have been approved by Council to enter ministry either. Yet God has called them and works through them just like he did Moses, David and Paul.

Which leaves me still with the call and trying to be wise. Regardless of denomination there will be those who don't like my personality. On the other hand, I've seen some people who are very easy to get along with but they still have issues which may be a bit more hidden. We naturally gravitate to "nice" people - just keep your ugly side hidden. Its really ironic to be in a denomination that can't go one week without telling itself and others that we are born sinful and without hope yet we are so disappointed when people don't measure up. I would rather have a pastor with warts then one that seems to preach from being above it all.

Perhaps that's post modern. Or realistic. Or maybe I'm just making it easier for me!

So I do have an application out for a ministry position - have had no feedback at all which is bothersome - I would like to know that they received it. Its downtown in a big church working Sunday evening service doing Outreach and getting to help prepare worship. I love thinking about worship and tying it into the life of the church so I am hopeful!

No bags please!

I don't care that I'm being charged 5 cents a bag. I do care that it is the city that insists upon it and yet the money is collected by the store who then decides what to do with it. I don't even care if they pocket it, I'm just annoyed that they are told what they have to collect this encouragement fee to avoid bags and then get hassled.

C and I were having a coffee and I noticed a man carrying two packages of white dress shirts. Forgetting about the bag issue momentarily I wondered why he was carrying them around. It looked like he walked out of the store without paying. Then I remembered the whole bag issue.

A friend of my mother's related a story growing up in logging country BC. She was sent to the corner store with a note from her mother. The clerk wrapped up a box in brown paper. Now the little girl was quite intrigued in what her mother could be buying that would be wrapped up like a gift. So she spent her trip back carefully unwrapping the sanitary products. Her mother was horrified to find that by the time she got them home they were exposed to the public.

Now, back to the bag issue. C and I started to wonder which items we could purchase in this little plaza and place smack dab in the middle of our table in the Food Court which would force someone to give us a bag! Oh My!

Would you like to keep your urine?

I handed over my urine for testing ketones as part of my diet. After she was finished the clerk asked me "Would you like to keep your urine?". Oh My. Why would I want to. Seeing my puzzled look she offered "or would you like me to throw it?".

Uh, yeah, throw it. She seemed a bit surprised and I noticed that there was no other urine bottles in the waste basket. I could only picture people carrying their urine home to store for future posterity. But why?

When I booked my next appointment I understood why. I need to pay 25 cents if I want to buy a collection container.

She wasn't asking if I wanted to take my urine home, she was asking if I wanted to keep the container! Of course it would be up to me to dump the urine and clean it out. I wish it had been more clear. Could have saved a quarter.

Apparently the containers do not have to be sterile. You can use a container from home. Juice glass?

Low Carb Induced Irritability

I'm on day 10 of my low carb diet. I'm itchy and twitchy and I can't stop thinking about a warm dinner roll with butter. Or a plain piece of bread. I'm actually enjoying the bran crisps that I thought everyone was crazy for liking.

The loss of sugar is no biggie. Though I am eating these wonderful sugar free fudgie candies. But one does it. Its the bread. And potato chips. And even those crappy frozen McCain fries that suddenly are very appealing.

The plan has me on about 20 carbs a day. Everything that is not a fat or protein is a carb. Fiber is a carb but since you don't digest it, it doesn't count. How low is 20 carbs:

hamburger roll - 20

white bread - 10

pita - 30

cup of white rice - 40+

raw carrot - 5

1/2 cup broccoli - 2

So even if I were to sneak in the bread at 10 it would be hard not to go over once I try to eat some veggies. Carrots aren't allowed because of the sugar. I've only lost 4 pounds so far and if I don't lose more I have to stay on in for another week before they up everything. My metabolism sucks! I've started walking but its not like your metabolism is suddenly going to kick into high gear right away. I'm hoping that tomorrow I will be back to being content - I felt fine yesterday!

Just for KS - my neighbour!

This is especially for KS who is a blog virgin. She doesn't read them and doesn't write them.

So, K, do you remember the story from years ago about the volunteer job that I quit that I don't tell anymore because now I'm a Christian and that kind of stuff is not gracious? I posted it for LK to read because he is a post-Christian friend who has not heard the story. Your goal is to try to find it.

Look in the listings on the right hand side for the week that contains June 4th. Click on that and it will open the blogs for that week. It should say something like "For LK" or something like that. Then click on it to read it.

The reason you see initials instead of full names is to keep our identities secret in case someone I would prefer not read it is reading it. Like the Bully ;)

I think I'm screwed...

So many things converged to one incident that I have to take responsibility for:

1) My cat loves to drink my pop. I do not like her drinking my pop, especially if she chooses to stick her foot in it. I know where that foot has been! So isn't it cute to give her a little bowl of water to drink while I drink my pop?

2) So help me if that phone is ringing because D has another question about this vacuum I'll scream - as I lunge to get to the phone because C is sleeping - the water sloshes over the side of the bowl

3) Which I don't notice until I come back to the laptop and notice water dripping out of one of the ports.

It has totally died. With the beginnings of my paper on Cyprian in there. I feel incredibly guilty because we bought it second hand for my course. I don't use it much for that but it is an incredible stupid move on my part.

Many times I have thought, "should I move that water?". Thinking without action is of much use!

More on Father Ted

As usual, you have to read the previous post for any of this to make sense.

More on Father Ted:

My favourite character is Father Dougal who is the younger curate to Father Ted who is experienced. Father Dougal is the child like Christian who speaks truth at all times and is usually quite confused by the world around him:

.
Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?
Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?
Bishop Facks: Uh-huh. [nods]
Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Bishop Facks: Yes.
Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?
Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Father Ted on the other hand is wiser but also more skeptical and less Christ like then Dougal given his cynicism as opposed to confused belief.

POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of thiscountry were friends of the church! Drink driving charges quashed, parkingtickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) "Ted Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet!" Well i did! Are you happy? Once again,you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank youso much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I wasjust going to say that your that your fly is open.


Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

What to do, what to do?

I have got the letter written for Council. It is much gentler than I would describe things to others. But it may still not be received well.

This is the problem. Do I just give a terse, "see ya' around" or what I have written which spotlights my version of truth with a hint to what happened? Council has handled my time at the church badly. They won't give a reference for another church. They had nothing nice to say about my application for ministry - only negative. They did not meet with me to ask questions before they made their decision. And worse of all they have never met with me to discuss my call.

How can you make a major life altering decision for someone without at least talking to them?

And here is the problem. This is a result of group think. There are council members who would ask these questions and have met with me and have been supportive. The problem is that the end result forwarded by two representatives does not provide those nuances. And for those who tend to remain quiet and resigned to the way things unfold they do not voice their opinion as loudly as others. The fact that Council did not reach concensus yet rendered a decision is disturbing. IMHO -those that allow others to speak on their behalf should be aware of the costs of doing this.

This isn't a conversation about the colour of the carpets (for once!) but my calling, my career and my character. To label me as having un Christ-like behaviour is not very helpful. First of all, I admit that I exhibit un Christ like behaviour every day. Its funny how my normal (that is non-Christian friends) automatically exclaim - "but I thought that was the point - no one's perfect"

No, more concerning is how this sounds to others. What exactly is the nature of the behaviour - do I slam doors in people's faces either figuratively or literally? or perhaps I have a knack for finding missing money! There is a great show Father Ted - loved that show even before I became Christian. Father Ted is always alluding to some scandal by exclaiming "The money was only resting in my account!".

Another running gag is that he is always calling other Fathers on their cell phones at the most inopportune times. You'll see a phone ringing while one is skiing, or driving on a particularly dangerous road as Ted calls. Ted is always blissfully unaware that in attempting to answer his call he has killed off or injured another Father. I have a friend who has reverted to a cell phone in lieu of a home phone. I hate calling because I always imagine some tricky situation where a phone call is just too distracting!

I digress......

Rye! This isn't toast!

Having ordered by breakfast toast and being delivered rye I was very quick to politely ask for white! I am not wasting my birthday carbs on rye toast - normally I would just eat it rather than return it.

I have already discovered that I have been accidentallly cheating - I found these really great (its all relative) wafer cookies with some kind of odd "icing" in the middle that looked okay on the diet. It now turns out that I am only allowed two during the day. I'm saving them for when I crave a doughnut. I got into the habit of coffee and doughnuts and not having that doughnut is tough.

I went to a health food store and thought about how I was thrown together with others who form distinct groups that don't necessarily approve of each other:

the organic nuts
the diabetic/low carb nuts
the "I won't eat anything with a face" nuts
the severe allery sufferers (truly there as a last resort)

Its harder to pick out the allergy sufferers - unless they are poring over the gluten free stuff. In the cosmetics section they could be the vegans.

The diabetic/low carbs is pretty easy to pick out. Like picking out the whore at the cottillion. Fat, middle aged with a slightly resigned look on their face. We know we are not part of this world - we are simply grabbing from it what we can.

The organic/vegans are hard to identify. There are probably vegans which are both. There are likely organic people that lean towards vegetarianism if only because it is hard to get truly free range animal parts!

So we are all in the store wandering around, some perhaps blissfully unaware that we have been grouped together not because we support one another's version of healthy eating but because we are in it for ourselves. The fact that I notice the other nuts there makes is obvious that I am the worst offender. I just suspect the vegan would not be pleased to know all of the delicious animal toppings I am going to try on my bran crispbread!! A very nebulous "unity in diversity".

TOAST!

Yum. I have decided on my birthday treat- breakfast out with husband and brother. We go to the same place all the time - eggs, meat, home potatoes, toast, coffee. So as a treat I'm going to do that. I can refuse the juice, get peameal for the bacon and hold the homefries and even use Sweet and Low in my coffee, but I have to have the toast. I always do the same thing - as soon as the food arrives I get the marmalade spread onto my toast to sink in. 9 hours to go!

Bran Crisps - Yum!

This is supposed to be the cracker/bread to answer the dreams of those of us who must have our breads in order to feel full. Because they are actually allowed on this very restrictive stage of my diet, I drove a very far way to get them - 40 minutes north of the city!

At over 3 bucks for 12 pieces they aren't cheap. Now I admit by the day 3 of no bread I broke the pack open on my way back to the city. Dangerous move I won't do again. Since they are 85 percent bran you could say they are a little dry. Look at this from the website:

GG Bran Crispbread stays extra fresh when stored in the freezer, and does not need to be defrosted for use.

The fact that they do not need defrosting tells you just how dry they are when you eat them. Now, I will admit that they are filling and they are a far better solution then grabbing a piece of toast. But to say that I am excited and happy is a bit much. And I have noticed that the recipes using them contain ingredients not allowed in this phase - like strawberries, cottage cheese, cream cheese, cheese, tomatoes ..... I tried sticking a slice of chicken on top but really there is no fooling my brain or my mouth into thinking that these are in any way, shape or form a replacement for a slice of bread. They fill a need. At this point I can actually taste the sugar in the celery so its not like I'm being super critical.

I have been considering my birthday tomorrow trying to decide if I will just stick to my diet or if I will break and allow something. Like one slice of pizza. Or a cupcake. Or a piece of toast with butter and peanut butter. C is likely going to the cottage to open it up - I'm not interested until the snake check is done and the toilets have water in them. Wimp.

Craigslist - no nasty stuff!

Okay, when I'm looking at the free listings - especially for beds (gross) there are thoughts that I have about the possible condition of the bed. This ad gets right to it:

King Sized Bed

Nikken Magnet bed. Helps to heal body pain and re-align energy in the body. Comes with White platform.

No stains, no sex, no nasty stuff.

Yuck. Some things are better left unsaid.

Now What?

I'm feeling much better today. I think I was overwhelmed with too much stuff. And as a bonus I got a message from a friend that I was so disappointed to not hear from so hopefully I will get a hold of them.

But I'm not sure what to do next. I have a paper to finish in the next few days and then another one due at the end of June and a visit from a relative at the end of the month.

The house is a disaster! I really need some solid time to handle it. And I've started this new diet - only on day 2 and I think I will be very cranky by the end. Very low carb, low fat, high protein. Eating extra lean hamburger for breakfast is going to get old really fast. And I am craving a doughnut. Coffee and doughnuts/dessert replaced my after dinner/coffee cigarette so I'm feeling especially tempted in the evening. Its going to be a long two weeks.

So, on the one hand I really need to get a job. On the other, a job in ministry seems especially difficult given that the economy is bad (the one church that seemed interested is having a hard time budget wise) and because I'm not sure what I will use for a reference.

I think I will have to just keep my eyes open and see what happens. Maybe looking in July will be a bit better because the college students probably have a job then and I have more experience then others looking for part time work. I wish I had worked retail at some point in my life. I think short term clerical would be best for now but it sounds like I'm being picky.

Maybe I just sit still and see what unfolds. A quiet summer might be a good idea though I feel guilty to not be doing anything. There seems to be a cycle of "hurry up and wait" mixed with being too busy. I'm starting to question my own perspective of God's presence in all of this. Maybe I have been deluding myself or maybe its time I took care of my health and my home before I commit to anything else!

Funny Lost and Found

From Craigslist, Lost and Found:

"Alright, I lost a copy of Beneath the Wheel somewhere around Spadina on Thursday night. The book was not in great shape and only cost me $4.00 but I was damn near done with it and am wondering what happened. I went to 2 bookstores today and couldnt find it, I don't really feel like digging around a used book store for that specific titles (though that is where I initially got it) probably go to Library soon, (but i lost my library card too and that is a hassle). So if you found this book I would appreciate it if you read the rest of the book and email me a detailed summary of the last half (i was to the point where Hans left Maulbronn). Thanks, "

So Down Today

I don't know why but I just feel really down today.

I think it is the accumulation of the stress of last Monday and the slow realisation that I don't have a clue what to do now. And because I'm starting a horrible diet that I need to do but means no cake on Saturday. I look forward to cake and everything just sucks.

And partly because someone I considered a friend hasn't touched base with me.

Lots of people come in and out of our lives - I used to be an Airforce Brat so I've had friends and lost them - but I have always had a really hard time if I've felt close to someone and they have not given me closure.

I really need to find someone who has the call to ministry who can support me and hold me accountable - not just one or the other!

Professional Words

I was talking to a friend about doing some pulpit supply over the summer. I forget that we often use words that are very familiar in one profession but completely unknown in another.
She thought that I was saying that I would be travelling around selling pulpits to churches over the summer. Logical assumption and I'm open to new ideas :)


Which reminds me of a story from C. In medical circles an "MI" is a myocardial infarct - that is a heart attack. In policing circles an "MI" is an mentally insane/imbalanced person. These terms are used so commonly that they just come out without remembering that they are professional lingo that not everyone knows.
Down at the Coroner's Office a woman came to the front desk who was obviously not mentally well wanting to check to see if she was dead. A person involved with policing went to one of the docs in the office hoping to find someone who could figure out what to do with this woman as she obviously needed help. So he said "Hey, I've got an MI down at the front desk can you help me". The coroner heard - "Hey, I've got a heart attack down at the front desk" as he explained later, "I haven't treated a live patient in ages!"

Are we allowed to thank people?

C reported on an odd event. A moment came where a group of volunteers were leaving and a spokesperson was asked say a word of thanks.

The response to this was:

"when I was first asked to do this, I wondered if we normally do this, do we thank people before they leave?"

Wow, talk about a Protestant work ethic. First, that it would be against tradition to thank volunteers. Secondly, that there wouldn't be a recognition of how much it says about your company if you have to think about whether its okay to thank people and then to not be aware that sharing this thought with the gathering of folks might be as bad as not thanking people at all. Sometimes its better to keep these thoughts to ourselves and be gracious. Was this verbalized in case someone complains that it was wrong to thank the volunteers?

Yup, sign me up. I want to volunteer where even being asked to thank volunteers becomes a well thought out decision.

I don't get it. Gee, I used to thank employees for their work a few times a year usually around Christmas and around Staff Appreciation Day. Sometimes for no reason at all or when they had really pulled together - and yet these were paid employees. I wonder if this is a cultural thing and if anyone else other than C and I think its weird.

Hmm, interesting week.

Thankfully God measures time for us in weeks. We can leave one week behind and imagine a fresh hopefully better week is ahead.

Preached to a near empty church today where I was almost the oldest one in the room. What a greatly different experience - much less formal and much more welcoming the human, relational side of preaching where the younger folks hope that you will share some of your vulnerabilty - what is your journey about? Not prepared for that angle and my presentation was not good - the message was good but maybe not what they needed to hear and like I said my confidence in this new setting wasn't fully there. I like to preach without my notes and I just wasn't at that point today - I'm so much more passionate when I can put away the manuscript.

But I may be asked back. Which is nice thought as now I can say that I have a fuller appreciation for the context of this church and what they are used to.

Incredible worship and one song in particular was so good that I was going to check it out on Google. After talking to the worship leader turns out that his brother wrote it!

But the weirdest time was yesterday. I'm in this preaching group which contains people from my church. I was scheduled to preach to half of the group. The other half has a few elders from my church and I was thankful that I did not have to preach to them given my decision not to return to my church.

As a matter of fact, I would have skipped this last class altogether because I got to bed very late. But from a pastoral point of view I did not want those who were involved in the disasterous meeting of Monday to read anything into my absence as if I am bitter or snubbing them.

I'm met in the parking lot by the leader who wants to know if I would be willing to share my sermon with the whole group as the 2nd group has a change of plans and could sit in. My first reaction is to refuse. I explained that there was a conflict. Especially considering that the sermon to be preached was the same one that has caused so much problems back in December. I had no idea that anyone who was aware of this issue would be there - I had been promised the freedom to preach without the burden of having these people ready to critique. A little part of me was also worried that this was a set up.

I was urged to go ahead. I explained that I did not want anyone to think that I had purposefully come with the offending sermon to hold everyone captive to hear it - as if to thumb my nose.

I went ahead. Not sure of myself and barely able to look anyone in the face because I was so uncomfortable - I'm sure this will be read as further "un Christ-like behaviour" rather than acute embarassment on my part.

I may never know, but I can' t help but suspect that preaching this sermon in front of the elder that had nothing nice to say about it was a bad idea. But the alternative was to come intending to preach and then refusing. I shouldn't have been put into this position to begin with.

Not sure that I will go back for any services in my old church. Don't really see the point - I like the church family of course but I'm one of those "let's rip the bandaid off" kinda people. I'm not staying so whether I go back for one last service or not doesn't seem important to me. Its not like I'm going to walk around and tell people that I have decided to leave so my last service to them is just another day. I guess this will sort itself out somehow. People who notice that I'm not around can call or ask C where I am. I just don't think anyone is really going to care that much.

Things are what they seem...

Here's a story from long ago. This one is for my other L friend - LH who knows how I can get into a righteous rant!

I was volunteering and on a certain evening we had a legal aid clinic that offered some free advice. The lawyer who came in was a nice man - didn't really get to know him but he seemed pleasant enough. He worked in a little room to the side of our counter.

One day he is working and my coworker comes back from the room and says "Sorry, I just had to tie Joe's shoe for him". Well I was infuriated. Where did this lawyer get off thinking that he can ask volunteers to tie his shoes! Really! Was it because some of the volunteers had no choice but to do as asked? I was in a righteous rant. Suddenly I realised that I was getting a bemused look from my coworker. He says:







"You know he only has one arm don't you?"




Um, no I didn't. I had worked with this guy for a long time and never noticed that one of his arms was a prosthetic with no function. I was extremely thankful he hadn't asked me to tie his shoes!!

Especially for LK

For those who are not familiar with Christianity or literary themes - the ease with which the devil tempted Eve was that he is the master of lies - telling them so well that they are believable - because they play on our weaknesses.


I have a secret. I used to be quite proud of this story but now sort of see it in a different light. You will understand the picture and my altered view on this event at the end.

Its especially for LK who I hope will see the humour in it.

I worked as a volunteer for a great number of hours. I absolutely loved the job - it was working with helping people finding info they needed. I was out of high school and looking for work having determined that my first career choice was not going to work out.

The head of the volunteers was a real nutcase. She was very needy and manipulated people. I didn't really understand it at the time but now I see her busy ways and continual drama was to compensate for something else missing in her life.

After over a year of solid volunteer work I noticed that volunteers would suddenly leave. People who had volunteered or a long time would suddenly quit. One afternoon I was asked to work and one of the older workers was offended that I was there - she didn't feel that she needed the help. She told me very clearly that if the boss did not call her back by the end of the week she would not come back.

Well the boss didn't call back. I felt a sense of urgency but she just kept brushing it off. She brushed the volunteer off as well. Then something happened where it was accidentally divulged to me that a lot of the volunteers were there to complete their community service hours. I suddenly realised that the long term volunteer volunteers didn't seem to last. At one point another leader in the service agency pointed out that we would not be so short of volunteers if my boss could keep them longer. She was infuriated and I commiserated with her not totally getting it.

Then one day it happened to me. I was booked to do something and she totally ignored my request for a bathroom break and made it sound that I was unreasonable when I asked why I was not relieved (literally). Another time she accused me of getting too close to my male friend who I worked with and insisted on splitting us onto different shifts. He couldn't say anything because he was not exactly there by choice.

Another volunteer left. I really liked her but I was warned that she had been a problem.

I loved working there and my fiance in one of the few times he has ever told me his opinion told me to leave. In the end she accused me of telling someone that one of the workers was there on community service. Being employed at a highly sensitive government agency I was really offended and worried by her accusation. I had to quit.

I mulled this over in my head. How could I quit and keep my integrity? She would likely say that I had to leave. She would hint that I had done something "horrible". That it was good for everyone that I had left. It just really bothered me - I couldn't stand people thinking the worse of me and her getting away with it.

I hit upon the perfect plan. I went to my next shift walked over to her and handed her my key to the office and said very slowly with great annunciation.


"Here is your f'***ing key, take it and shove it up your a**" And then I ran like heck to the car parked outside before she could call security.

This was the most brilliant plan. My boss told anyone who would listen about what I had done to her. My good friend who still worked there was banned from speaking to me! She also told him to tell me that I would never volunteer in the City of North York ever again. Which was funny because he pointed out he could hardly tell me since he wasn't allowed to speak to me! Apparently a week later she was still telling everyone who would listen what I had done. She could not believe it. Well...neither could they. I purposefully hid myself for a bit so I wouldn't run into anyone. So when my friend told me how she was telling this huge lie about me and how no one believed her I had a good laugh. So did he when I told him I had actually done it! No one thought that I was capable of being so rude and offensive. The little old ladies who volunteered could not imagine such a thing - I am just so sweet and quiet.

Apparently things didn't quiet down for months. And no one ever believed any of the stories made up about how I was a lousy volunteer because the one story she told that was absolutely true was so outrageous they thought she made it up.

That was about 21 years ago. I don't tell that story much anymore because it really shows a conniving mean spirit. I still feel really uncomfortable when my integrity comes into question - I am open and willing to take responsibility for my faults but I just can't stand being accused of something I haven't done.


There you go LK - a story that I'm only telling because you need some entertainment!

Craigslist

Here is an item someone has posted:

People who have worked with dead or dying people (Toronto)

One of the Peanuts' characters replied once "My mind is reeling with sarcastic replies". Yes, as is mine. How many people are going to email in jokes about their coworkers!


And from the lost and found department I thought this was pretty funny:

"Found a Yarmulke on Ossignton between bloor and Hallam. I left it there, but could go back and look for it if someone owns it. It had two little clips on it. "

Um, is this for real? I go out of my way to help people but not to this extent. I'm going to post this on the off chance someone looks to see if it was found?

That was short....

In case you are wondering, yes I have found my humour after a short stint of being very sad yesterday and this morning very angry at my church.

Well today I was very angry - not really at my church but at the situation. I've come to appreciate that people don't set out to be jerks. No one wakes up and says "today I'm going to be the biggest jerk I can, I'm going to offend someone, crush someone and make fun of someone at the gas station". It just happens. I wish I could claim this insight for myself, but a pastor who had really made a bad judgement call that had pissed me off asked me if I thought he had purposefully set out to do something that was obviously unwise (downshill skiiers excluded). I had to admit that as much as I thought what he did was stupid I couldn't imagine him purposefully choosing to do so. I'm not saying it never happens, there are some people who are out to make life difficult for others in certain situations.

So I can be angry and frustrated and hurt. But at the end of the day its not going to help.

I have struggled to remain with this denomination for some time. I have met brilliant, godly people who had left a long time ago because they couldn't hack it. I am hoping that I am released from here. I assumed that leaving this church meant leaving the denomination but I had this rather disturbing realization that I kind of assumed that! I'm not sure what God has planned!

What If...

What if everyone had friends living in isolation that needed a laugh to keep them going? Wouldn't we find more things to laugh about and share? Or perhaps we would start to stretch our humour to the point of hurting others just to find something to laugh about.

I remember a long time ago meeting with someone who was surprised to learn that I was afraid to try new things. Small things like pumping gas. Why on earth would someone be afraid to do that? Well, because I always picture the person in the car waiting behind me having a running commentary of my stupidity:

Me: trying to undo the gas cap

Other: yes, dear, its a gas cap. It only turns one way, its not difficult, its not a child proof bottle..

Me: Trying to figure out how to select the gas type.

Other: Yup, that's the hose, that's where the gas comes out. Staring at the pretty buttons isn't going to help, stick the blooming hose in the tank already and pick a grade!

Me: Click, Click, Click - waiting for the gas to start (this still happens - what is it some kind of secret to get the gas to pump)

Other: Press the nozzle you stupid......

Me: trying to get the hose untwisted to hang it back up

Other: For crying out loud - just leave the bl^%* thing on the ground and pay already!!!

Now, this kind person who was interviewing me asked why I thought the person waiting in line would possibly care if I didn't know how to pump gas. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I have on occasion made fun of others. Not in a mean way exactly and not for those who are obviously beyond confused (I get out and help them). But there was a time where watching other's foibles made me laugh. I don't do this much anymore, I now try to concentrate on funny situations outside of personal interactions. Not making fun of people but making fun of circumstances. Things that I think God would laugh at - I don't think he makes fun of people at gas pumps somehow.

Not Ready to Minister?

Interesting meeting.

What do you do if you feel you have been called to ministry and have followed the call for years only to be told that your church won't recommend you for seminary? The funny thing is I'm already in seminary! They won't recommend me to finish a program within the CRC - well they will but only with reservations. I have to join with some people who will work with me for a year.

See, I'm moody and not always cheerful or whatever it is a pastor is supposed to be.

The funny thing is that the ones suggesting that I need to journey with people for accountability don't already know that I have been doing this for a year.

So obviously, I'm a lost cause. I don't have the right goods to enter seminary. Calvin has high standards is what I'm told.

Here's the funniest part. I am obviously disturbed as I was about to seek a job as an associate pastor somewhere. I stated that this is a huge issue and I don't know what I am going to do about looking for work. I HAD TO EXPLAIN WHY HOW THE LACK OF APPROVAL FOR SEMINARY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME GETTING A JOB!

I don't feel good about going out and getting a job in pastoral ministry when I am obviously not seen as suited for seminary (without reservations that is).

I'm in trouble anyhow. I told one of the people in the meeting that he was being a bully and defensive. He was upset about something and kept slamming his hand on the table which I found very intimidating and then it just pissed me off. He suggested that I'm the bully! Huh? ("I know you are but what am I"?).

So pray for me - for clarity. I want to honour God in what I do. The thing is whether in ministry or any other job I have the same personality. Its not like its okay to be "unChrist-like" in other settings. So what do I do - get a lobotomy? Work the night shift at the morgue? Help me out with your prayers because I'm just not sure anymore and I can't make any decisions right away.

Take my rant with humour - I'm really hurting!

No TV

We have done away with our TV. Or I guess you could say our TV has done away with providing us hours of couch surfing.

We have one of those sets with the VCR built in. If the tape is not in the VCR the TV shuts off. This was okay until the other day when I accidentally ejected the tape and I cannot get it to sit in place any longer.

We still have the old style cable - not digital and we had been thinking of scaling back our cable service to the basics. Well, to do that you need to buy the digital box. So we decided to cancel cable for now. Sooner or later they will send us a letter trying to get us to subscribe.

There is one huge drawback. I'm not sure how it happened but with the number of repeats on TV my channel surfing would stop at NASCAR races. C enjoys these so I started watching while I do other things. I'm now very interested in these partly because C is very excited when they are on.

Yes, we have become NASCAR fans. Not devoted quite yet. But on our way. This is shocking to some of my friends.

I have heard that you can pay to watch some things over the Internet but I'm not sure how this works for NASCAR - I don't want to get taken so I'm looking around to see what we can do. If we can find an answer to the NASCAR issue we may be able to give up TV permanently and just rent the shows we want to watch.

Its been about a week - I've stopped automatically reaching for the remote. But my laptop is getting a work out!

Craigslist

I have a new addiction. Craigslist.

Do you have any idea how much free stuff is to be had in the City of Toronto! People post when they are throwing out their junk on the curb or in some cases invite you into their home to pick up their junk.

This has intrigued me as we need a new couch. I mean this one is really bad and is all falling apart. Its okay for us but if we have visitors we will have to do something.

But people throw away perfectly good sofas for different reasons. As long at there is no pee stains or gnaw marks I don't care.

Of course "free" is a relative term. I don't have a van or a truck which means my friend with the truck will likely be asked once again to help us out.

But still....

And if you garden, look for free topsoil or as in most cases free fill. Bring a shovel and get as much as you can load.

Pretty cool!

McDonald's is Disgusting! Clowns - Scary!

Yeah, I know you already knew this. For years you have wondered why anyone would spend money on this junk.

Ah..I was an addict. The thought of a Big Mac all warm with that sauce! and those fries!

Well the fries are now done in the new oil so they don't have that clogging artery taste they used to have. And well the Big Mac was very disappointing. The patties have gotten smaller (!) and the whole thing was rather disappointing. Then I saw the bill - 4.09 for a Big Mac! 1.99 for the large fries and 1.79 for the pop.

See, I'm broke. Suddenly the price of the food has become a relative notion. What was once cheap is now expensive. I could buy real meat for that price! And water is free.

So, I have joined the ranks of the living who have always understood Ronald McDonald to be a typical clown - happy and smiling with an evil heart. I really have a problem with clowns. I find them very disconcerting and the more friendly and caring they are the more they freak me out. I have a friend who claims that all pastors are thieves and kiddy diddlers. Of course I dispute this for pastors - but I believe this about clowns! No wonder Grimace is neurotic!

For the clown lovers out there - you recognise a hardened heart and that no amount of teaching will help. Perhaps one day the clown spirit will enlighten me.

For those who understand:

Friends and Church Family

I have been reflecting on the difference between friends and church family from the standpoint of being a pastor. There is a huge difference!

Church family are your family for a time. They are at times closer than any friend you have in conflict whether on your side of the conflict or the other. But at the end of the day when you move on they stay where they are. You merely move in and out of their lives and they in yours.

When you are unable to commit your whole life to a church this is true. For those who move into a town and need to move out or for those who are called to ministry and know that the assignments and journey may mean more than one family on the way.

I thought I could do it differently. That the church family that have become friends would be friends forever. But really how often does this happen in real life? How often have I let someone down who expected a call and never received one? How many friends did I keep from the places that I worked - is church any different?

I resent this. Like having a friend that is a pastor who is only my friend in that circumstance. I resent it in my own life that there will be people that I will invest heavily in that will never be a friend once I am forced to move on.

This is the selfish form of love. One that a pastor cannot afford because it means that "true" friendship and the role of church family become two distinct things. People get categorized - just as I have done into "real" friends and "friends on the journey". If I invest wanting assurances that all friends will remain then I will be disappointed - thus the desire to not invest at all. We have all come across those who have been burned too many times to keep investing in people.

The trick for me is to learn how to understand this not just as a parishioner but as a pastor. I will likely hurt people along the way who thought that I could maintain 100's of relationships!

Pastors are notorious for not having close friends and I can honestly say that with the exception of one person who truly knows me spiritually I have no Christian friends that contact me out of the blue to say "Hi" or to catch up. All of my good friends - that is the ones I can tell my darkest fears to or cry in front of or swear and rant and rave are the same ones from before I became a Christian. This is interesting and I am thankful for this journey this way. Not needing to be the pastor for others when we sit and chat is a huge blessing! Having friends that can let me be me is a huge gift.

This is a hard transition going from pew to pulpit - particularly in this weird place I am in which is partly between the pew and pulpit. In the aisle - not quite knowing where to go. Most people do it a different way. They leave their church as a parishioner, go to seminary and then pop out the other end as a minister. The whole process of shedding one skin which looks remarkably like the new skin is hidden from view. I would never suggest a student do what I did - that is try to change roles in the same church unless that church is ready to know what this means and can really step up and create the right mix of nurture - and then be ready to let you go without regret - unselfish love in action.

What I've Decided....

I've been avoiding blogging - something I avoid when I have an internal struggle going on but perhaps this it is helpful for the few who read and pray for me to know where everything is going.

For various reasons that are not too clear yet, I will not be preaching in my home church. It appears to be a process issue at this point.

I am pleased to say that I have a pulpit open to be at a church next week - it is a pleasure and a burden to preach particularily in a church I have never visited. But the offer has been gracious - no advanced expectations just an open door with the offer to preach what I feel called to preach. How different then submitting a sermon and waiting for "approval". I honour both approaches for what they say about the role of preaching, though I have to say the latter is much preferred in this case! I got this opportunity by screwing up my courage and sending an email to a pastor I had met briefly about a possible position indicating I was available for summer supply. He emailed back immediately with this date.

I have a classmate a year ahead who is an elder and has offered me two dates at his church. Again, Presbyterian and no requirement to submit my manuscript. It seems so surreal that as a stranger I am received with less hesitation. A classmate insists that this is a variance of Jesus and his lack of acceptance by those who just knew too much about him. Maybe. That's sad as it takes away the glory of God's working in my life. I prefer to believe it is a process issue.

So with the lack of opportunity to gain more and more experience and a very tight budget for school next year it is time to look for a job in ministry. I had imagined getting a secular job and gaining tons more hands on experience - particularly in churches that were short pastors - but this seems to work against me. The empty leadership positions are still empty, the pulpit is still filled by others - this has not worked in my favour!

So if I get a secular job where do I get the preaching, leadership and pastoral experience I want to get? If I change churches I go as an unknown and will need to wait until I have the culture down and they trust me to give me volunteer work.

It seems that my days as a parishioner have come to an end and it is time to formally take the position of paid ministry. It makes a huge difference in how one is observed - both good and bad in that. But at least there will be responsibilities and a chance to serve and to grow spiritually.

I thought it would feel different - that I would not only know that it was time to go but would feel called elsewhere. So I think that this is the wilderness again - knowing that I will be called elsewhere and that where I am is just a time of desert living.

I was reading a friend's blog about being somewhere where you know you are not putting roots. In turn, I am unrooting myself!

American Fast Food

I have a love/hate relationship with American food. As bad as our fast food is in Canada, the stuff in the States can be really bad. Maybe its no worse, maybe I'm just used to Canadian food and don't notice that its just as bad.

There is one place I want to try out before I cross the border - White Castle. I have seen pictures of their burgers and they look like the come out of a school cafeteria from the mid 70's. I can't imagine why people want to eat these and I'm curious if they are as bad as they look!

That's the thing I love about travelling - I really like checking out the culture - maybe because I am so sensitive to the mood and setting of a place that I am always trying to figure out what the social mores are.

I'm a Wimp

I generally remain clinical in the face of others' emotions. Which can be a good thing if you are trying to listen and be supportive without getting emotionally involved. Of course, some people think this is a bad thing - that to be good at relationships you need feel the others' pain.

In spite of this, I do have a rather bizarre emotional side in that I react very sympathetically to commercials. Not the obviously sappy ones where I think "get it together, man" but just certain ones. I can barely stand the Excel commercial with the doughnut, onion and coffee cup. The poor doughnut - he tries to keep up and his roly poly body is a disadvantage. And look that the way the coffee cup's feet wiggle in the back seat of the taxi. C'mon watch it and tell me your throat does get all choked up:

Excel Commercial

It's time to get a job.

Well, I've come to the same conclusion as my prof. Its time to go and get a job in ministry - I can't learn anymore as a student. I'm not sure when it happened, but I realised that I really have done all I can do from the grass roots level - I need some form of ministry where I am actually doing the job and given a group to lead. Not likely to happen where I am now, so it looks like I will be looking for a paying gig. Its too bad I couldn't be given a meaty role as a volunteer - that just isn't the way it goes for some reason. You would think that non profits would be thrilled to have someone do the work for free for the experience - especially when we are without a pastor.

The preaching will get better with experience as well.

Once I'm back from vacation, my resume will be up to date and I am going to try to find some places to preach while I look for meaningful responsibilities.

Tough Guys

Boy, oh boy, I tell you the world has changed. There was a big rugby tournament going on and as we were going into a store two really solid guys, obviously players were talking. As they walked by I heard the one say to his friend "Yeah, I've been rather touchy lately". I imagined that he was talking about getting pissed on the field at some of the plays or something. Then he gave his explanation "I've been on a total cleanse".

Yogamites do the "total cleanse" thing. Not rugby players!

Easter Cookes - Oh My

My Oh My friend who is honoured with the blog being named after her has found another reason to say "Oh My!". Here is a recipe for Easter Cookies that she found. I had to read it carefully because I thought for sure it was a spoof to make fun of Christians. No, we do a good enough job ourselves.

Our favourite parts - beating the nuts as a representation of Christ's beating, taping the over door shut, the sadness of having to leave Jesus/cookies overnight - because lets face it the kids want to eat the cookies now! I'm a visual person so equating the oven to the tomb automatically equates cookies to Jesus.

Anyhow, my friend has suggested a whole Outreach Bible Cookbook - apple pie with a pastry snake on top. I am starting to think of tasty ways to cook up the animals on the ark.

Easter Story Cookies


This is a great tradition to start with the family. Read from the scriptures as you spend time together baking cookies. Each step of the recipe parallels a truth from the quoted scriptures.

Ingredients:

1 cup pecan halves
1 teaspoon distilled white vinegar
3 egg whites
1 pinch salt
1 cup white sugar

Directions:

Preheat oven to 300° F (150° C).
Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was beaten by the Roman soldiers.
Read John 19:1-3
Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl.
Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.
Read John 19:28-30
Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.
Read John 10:10-11
Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.
Read Luke 23:27
So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar.
Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him.
Psalms 34:8 and John 3:16
Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.
Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3
Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet.
Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus'
body was laid.
Read Matthew 27:57-60
Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF.
Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus'
tomb was sealed.
Read Matthew 27:65-66
Go to bed. Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.
Read John 16:20 and 22
On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! Explain that on the first Easter, Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.
Read Matthew 28:1-9

Shut Up!

Whoa, it happened today. My mother-in-law told her daughter to "shut up". In a forced through the teeth whispery kind of voice. In front of me and her support worker.

I had heard of this kind of behaviour but had never witnessed it because quite frankly she has never had the audacity to tell me to shut up. Apparently this is a favourite action towards her daughter.

So we are sitting there and I hear this violent "shut up!" and I called her on it pretty forcibly. How can anyone tell their daughter to shut up especially in front of other people. I told her that she has never had the balls to do that to me and that I know she wouldn't dare do it so she should not be doing it to her daughter either. She was taken aback, I know she thought I couldn't see from my angle and she forgets that with her hearing she is louder than she knows. She started to say she never said it and then changed to say she was "just joking".

Anyhow, I am still in shock just how nasty this woman can be. She has been on much better behaviour with me obviously - I've been told that I scare her. Well if intimidating her is the only way to keep her from being so mean I'm not sure how to respond. Is it better to be nice and let her do whatever she wants to people? I don't think so but as a Christian I'm not sure where the boundary is.

Once again a retirement home has been suggested - every professional that has been in contact with us tells us that she is not safe even with the restrictions in her home, but she refuses to discuss it - hence the "shut up".

I think as a family we have decided we have done all that we can do and have reasoned as much as we can to better living arrangements. Short of forcing her into a home which legally we really can't do, there is no way to provide better then what she has. Which is inadequate as she cannot leave her apartment by herself. We suspect she will begin to do all the things that she is restricted from and I personally doubt she will avoid a serious fall before the end of the summer.

We are All Deaf and Blind

I have been preparing my sermon for Wednesday on Doubting Thomas. A favourite guy of mine because he had the nerve to actually question the reality of the risen Christ from the grave.

And while working on this sermon I reflected on what he had going for him - he was part of a small group, he liked to ask questions (Lord, we don't know where you are going), he would follow Jesus to death (Let us go and die with him). Do you notice to that the talks about himself in terms of community - we and us. He was ripe for faith and yet when the other disciples kept telling him about Christ arisen he refused or couldn't believe.

With the thoughts of the nursing home crowd in my mind I was thinking what I didn't have going for me - some are blind, some are deaf, some are not really cognitive. But you know, that is all of us. None of us "found" Christ - we are unable to find him on our own. We are blind and deaf and with defective reasoning. Instead of thinking that the nursing home is the hardest place to preach it is the most honest place to preach. It is the place where nothing I say or do will convince anyone of anything. My actions, my willingness to come points to something - but I have no power that is not given to me except by God. So really, my best preaching will be there because I can't rely on the cheap jokes and passionate response to emotional words.

Somewhere is the dividing line between preaching technique and faith - trying to spend enough time on both is what is needed.

Best Worship

I was asked to do the service today at a nursing home.

I spend most of my time trying to find someone who did not have plans on Sunday afternoon to play piano. Finally, as I was trying to find midi files to play in lieu of a pianist, an angel was found who was available.

I thought about the message and came across Romans 8. There were parts of the passage that talked about no one able to condemn us and that nothing separates us from the love of God. So I centered my talk about what Easter means in terms of God's love using John 3:16 as a starting point as I figured the older folks would know that passage by heart and would like to hear it.

I didn't put a lot of effort in making the reading come alive - the passage is so self explanatory that to add to it almost detracts from it. I felt guilty for not pouring more time into it but couldn't find a way to add to it without lengthening the service or adding words just to appease the sermon critics.

It was awful. My pianist arrived a bit late and without her glasses. We tried one song - Christ Arose which is too low for me and the tune is a bit foggy for me until we get to the chorus. That was when it became really clear that the pianist needed something to help her see the notes. As she ran off to find some reading glasses I plugged along.

At one point, one of the women looked totally disgusted with me! But I understood - hearing about Christ isn't the same as experiencng Christ and if you live in a nursing home you are bound to be jaded. I continued on relieved to see the pianist back with her glasses.

Amazing Grace went much better - and it was at that point that I figured out why the lack of a tune was killing me - there were none of the strong singers from the church who normally help out! The room was relying on me and one other woman (who didn't agree with me on the tune) to get through the songs. I just tried to sing a bit more confidently and cut out some songs.

Thankfully, after Amazing Grace the daughter of a resident told us about the story of its writing and I was able to tie that into the grace of Christ and what it means for someone to be absolved of their guilt. What a relief for a bit of an intervention.

On my way out to the car, I thought about my recent preaching experiences which have been so disappointing and wondering if I just don't have the skill set for it and its time to face this honestely. Then I thought about my next sermon on Wednesday which is about how I can't convince someone to come to faith, I can only provide a witness.

The nursing supervisor thanked us many times for coming on Easter - they weren't expecting a service because I guess they knew everyone is too involved in their own plans. One resident recited John 3:16 with me (I was wise enough to take it from the King James version). Most residents joined in on the Lord's prayer and many sang Amazing Grace and Rock of Ages. I think our efforts with our sincerity was magnificent to God.

If preaching comes hard in these situations then it makes me rely so much more on God to do his thing. Whether these experiences are a just a means of teaching me this I don't know. I know when I first started preaching I always got good reviews. I pray that I will have the wisdom to know whether this is testing me for my humility or whether I just suck at giving the message. I get to give it another try on Wednesday in class, but I have to say I am feeling very unsure.

C. told me later that the woman who was making faces and seemed so annoyed at the message was actually reacting to a lady sitting across from her who was making chewing faces! To continue to bring a message with all of these worries and distractions was good and I think I learned some more today.