I love this bumpersticker that says: "I love Jesus, its just his fanclub I can't stand".
A friend sent me a link to a pastor who wrote about the difference between religion and following Christ. I agreed with a lot of what the pastor had to say and have often said the same things. What really struck me were the comments he received back. People who were grateful that he had the courage to speak up. People who had been so well versed in what it meant to be a good church member that they missed the bigger point. I almost cried when I read these - I'm not an emotional person except when it comes to those who are in church but just haven't gotten the big picture yet. What really amazed me was that the way I see things seems to be unique - people seem genuinely moved by what this pastor wrote and yet I would hope that there are people in every church who "get" the big picture and recognize that the human church is a place of broken people.
I used to think that it was a curse that I was not raised in a church going family. They seemed to understand God and spirituality and everything to me seemed to be a big question. Nothing made sense of God. He sends a son to die like a criminal at our hands and somehow this solves everything? What on earth does this even mean? People told me you need to be a Christian to understand and I was angry that I had this block - that God for whatever reason refused to let me understand this thing that everyone said was so easy. I guess this journey brought me to a place of quiet understanding. I didn't go the regular route and now I can see things differently
So now I have a love for these people - especially the ones that argue about the colour of the carpet for the sanctuary. Because they are so in need of Christ's vision of church. Which starts with them - that they are loved and that the power to choose the colour of the carpet is selling what God has for them short.
Some people run from these churches. I run towards them. The trick is knowing when I am doing so with the love of Christ or when I am doing so for the rush of small changes when people's perceptions change in tiny ways to see the bigger picture. I'm not sure if this is a good desire or not. It certainly is limited in its great moments - its more that of a prophet who the weak look to for guidance while the powerful disdain. Its not comfortable and at times I have not wanted this "gift". It's a role where I need accountability, a life of prayer and really strong self identity. I'm not there yet!
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Relationships - The Thread Theory
In my beginning I was a trusting sort. I wanted everyone to be my friend, to be acceptable to all that came across my path.
As I got older I gave everyone a "mark". Upon meeting someone I assumed they were 100% and then I started deducting points. Not in a real linear fashion but in a sort of gut way. Being perceptive and not wanting to make an effort I could usually pin someone onto the scale within the first few minutes of meeting them. Often I would distrust this first glance and give it a longer time only to arrive back at the original impression months later.
When I turned 30 everything settled into place. I came up with the thread theory. Now before I tell you my theory you need to know that I moved around from place to place every 4 years until I moved to Toronto. By the time I was 30 I had actually managed to keep the same friends for 10 years. So the Thread Theory was really based on learning what to do when you don't automatically lose your friendships at the 4 year mark.
The Thread Theory
Your life is a piece of fabric - a knit fabric like a sweater or a tweed. The people in your life along with everything else is woven together to form that fabric. Now you know that piece of thread that is always just dangling there? That's the thread "friend". That's the person in your life you have to figure out what to do with:
1) they don't fit into your life like the rest
2) depending on where they are in the fabric this does or does not matter - a thread hanging off your sleeve is hard to ignore (and annoying) a thread which is part of a hem is essential, a thread hanging in place that no one sees is not important to your fabric.
3) You have choices as to what to do with the thread:
- cut it off
- take the time to try to put it on a needle and thread it back into the material
- pull it which will either disengage it from the material or make the fabric pucker (you really have to be careful if you are frustrated and take on the "pull" method rather than think about the best course of action
- ignore it - if you can
- the worst option is this one - you have a thread that you can't quite put back into the fabric but that you can't lose either because it will unravel other things - this requires a patch or glue or something - thankfully these are rare and they probably represent family members like ex husbands that you still need around or high maintenance people you would like to let go of can't for some particular reason in your life
When I turned 30 I saw everyone a threads. If you were annoying and dangling at my wrist and really weren't needed in the fabric I just snipped you off. Gone, kapput. Huge relief for me because I could stop feeling guilty that this annoying person who was not getting in line was out of the way. For whatever reason the effort to try to interweave this thread back into the fabric wasn't worth the time. I dropped a few threads - mostly people who I suspected were using up my energy rather than contributing to my life.
I also had other threads that I figured had to be more carefully woven in - for those I tried to make a conscious effort to think about how this could be done. As soon as I noticed a thread I decided - do I cut this one or weave it.
It wasn't until today I thought about those threads that you spend time putting patches on. My father fell into that category. At some point I had the scissors ready because of the dance of trying to communicate with him - not being able to get a hold of him or getting messages picked up. But a father - unless he is toxic - can't be snipped, nor ignored and you can't always force them to be woven back in. All you can do is continually put a patch in place so the thread doesn't go any further to either unravel your life or to go missing altogether.
The Thread Theory made life easy. I could assess you pretty quickly - and I am rarely wrong since I'm the only one that makes the rules! and I could cut you off before I bothered to weave you in. Saves a lot of time.
I had a long drawn out battle with this perception when I became a Christian. Not at first - I knew I was right in all that I thought and my system worked. But with time I was challenged and realized that not only did my pastor challenge me on "writing people off" but that this was distinctly unChrist like. That loving people thing is really easy to ignore and I think many of us do it very well! Well what do I do when I meet you and know that I don't like you?
This is the new stage that has taken 6 or so years to get to. I have learned to try to love everyone. Now the guy from Ontario Energy that called this afternoon will tell you I have a lot to learn. As will the guy behind the pharmacy counter yesterday who had a very stupid rule that prevents me from getting my meds until I can track down my doctor who is away til Monday. These people will tell you that I am not very nice and am essentially the same person as years ago. But in fact there is a transformation in my perception. If I was to meet them in a party my intuition would still kick in and I would know where they fall but the scale used is different. They are always 100% in someone's eyes - I just can't always see it. And my scale isn't good enough to judge anyone because it is flawed by my own flaws. So now I know that there are wonderful people that thankfully someone LIKES as well as loves - even if they are not who I would normally gravitate to. And usually, if I am in good spirits, I listen to learn about what that person has to say rather than wait to see whether they say anything that I would want to claim as my own. Learning to listen is a wonderful skill and part of that love thing Christ talks about because it puts me in the servant position!
Here is where freedom in Christ has helped me. I cannot like every person I meet. I can try to love them with sacrificial love - the kind that takes thinking and action (and sometimes silence) to exhibit and feel. Because I now know (and am actually starting to believe) that my worth is in Christ I can stop worrying about what other people think of my ideas and my thoughts. This is still a work in progress - I really like to be heard and respected. Finally the best thing is that I have learned that I was not put on earth to save anyone. This song has become my own expression of this:
Stabbing Westward - Just Save Yourself
I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as f***d as you
I am just as f***d as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
Now I'm not trying to say that I can't not be the hands and feet of Christ - I can. But I cannot truly save anyone. The bit of transformation I have had through the Holy Spirit has been helped by many people along the way. Some helped by being hurtful in truth, others helped by listening and caring. But in the end I cannot take anyone where they need to go. I hope that as a pastor - or one with the heart of a pastor if not all the skills that I can direct, lead, point, listen and hold hands - but I can't save.
Suddenly I am free. Free to let people be who they are lost in their own issues. Yes, there have been people that I know are upset with me. I have seen them get upset with someone else and not speak up to them so this is how they deal with things. I offered to meet and gave my time - but I can't force someone to acknowledge or to own their feelings. Maybe they think terrible things about me but without expressing them I can't solve the issue. I don't ignore it - I stick my hand out but they have to reciprocate.
Now on the other hand there is a balance to this. I have had relationships with people who are just insensitive to someone else's misery. My reaction to their behaviour they reason is my problem. I agree with this on some levels but also recognize that I was powerless at the time to not feel hurt. Christ often took pity on people. I think there is still room for pity for those situations we know we cannot change. Perhaps prayer that I can be sensitive and keep my boundaries and that the other person's unmet needs can be met in some other way.
I actually have far more people I am in contact with now then 10 years ago. I still have the same friends which are really hard to keep up with what with my schooling but I still find room for more acquaintances - people that I am with for a season, meeting or moment.
This has also allowed me to handle toxic relationships a bit better. I define toxic as those relationships that sour your life without sweetening theirs. Whatever their hang up is it does not matter how they deal with you - their situation doesn't change. Think of the person who abuses. They abuse those they love but taking this abuse does not actually help them get better and the victim of the abuse actually promotes the unhealthy behaviour. I cannot save these people. I can pray for patience and good boundaries for myself and for breakthrough for them. But I cannot make them whole - no matter how much I want to. I am just as f***ed as you.
As I got older I gave everyone a "mark". Upon meeting someone I assumed they were 100% and then I started deducting points. Not in a real linear fashion but in a sort of gut way. Being perceptive and not wanting to make an effort I could usually pin someone onto the scale within the first few minutes of meeting them. Often I would distrust this first glance and give it a longer time only to arrive back at the original impression months later.
When I turned 30 everything settled into place. I came up with the thread theory. Now before I tell you my theory you need to know that I moved around from place to place every 4 years until I moved to Toronto. By the time I was 30 I had actually managed to keep the same friends for 10 years. So the Thread Theory was really based on learning what to do when you don't automatically lose your friendships at the 4 year mark.
The Thread Theory
Your life is a piece of fabric - a knit fabric like a sweater or a tweed. The people in your life along with everything else is woven together to form that fabric. Now you know that piece of thread that is always just dangling there? That's the thread "friend". That's the person in your life you have to figure out what to do with:
1) they don't fit into your life like the rest
2) depending on where they are in the fabric this does or does not matter - a thread hanging off your sleeve is hard to ignore (and annoying) a thread which is part of a hem is essential, a thread hanging in place that no one sees is not important to your fabric.
3) You have choices as to what to do with the thread:
- cut it off
- take the time to try to put it on a needle and thread it back into the material
- pull it which will either disengage it from the material or make the fabric pucker (you really have to be careful if you are frustrated and take on the "pull" method rather than think about the best course of action
- ignore it - if you can
- the worst option is this one - you have a thread that you can't quite put back into the fabric but that you can't lose either because it will unravel other things - this requires a patch or glue or something - thankfully these are rare and they probably represent family members like ex husbands that you still need around or high maintenance people you would like to let go of can't for some particular reason in your life
When I turned 30 I saw everyone a threads. If you were annoying and dangling at my wrist and really weren't needed in the fabric I just snipped you off. Gone, kapput. Huge relief for me because I could stop feeling guilty that this annoying person who was not getting in line was out of the way. For whatever reason the effort to try to interweave this thread back into the fabric wasn't worth the time. I dropped a few threads - mostly people who I suspected were using up my energy rather than contributing to my life.
I also had other threads that I figured had to be more carefully woven in - for those I tried to make a conscious effort to think about how this could be done. As soon as I noticed a thread I decided - do I cut this one or weave it.
It wasn't until today I thought about those threads that you spend time putting patches on. My father fell into that category. At some point I had the scissors ready because of the dance of trying to communicate with him - not being able to get a hold of him or getting messages picked up. But a father - unless he is toxic - can't be snipped, nor ignored and you can't always force them to be woven back in. All you can do is continually put a patch in place so the thread doesn't go any further to either unravel your life or to go missing altogether.
The Thread Theory made life easy. I could assess you pretty quickly - and I am rarely wrong since I'm the only one that makes the rules! and I could cut you off before I bothered to weave you in. Saves a lot of time.
I had a long drawn out battle with this perception when I became a Christian. Not at first - I knew I was right in all that I thought and my system worked. But with time I was challenged and realized that not only did my pastor challenge me on "writing people off" but that this was distinctly unChrist like. That loving people thing is really easy to ignore and I think many of us do it very well! Well what do I do when I meet you and know that I don't like you?
This is the new stage that has taken 6 or so years to get to. I have learned to try to love everyone. Now the guy from Ontario Energy that called this afternoon will tell you I have a lot to learn. As will the guy behind the pharmacy counter yesterday who had a very stupid rule that prevents me from getting my meds until I can track down my doctor who is away til Monday. These people will tell you that I am not very nice and am essentially the same person as years ago. But in fact there is a transformation in my perception. If I was to meet them in a party my intuition would still kick in and I would know where they fall but the scale used is different. They are always 100% in someone's eyes - I just can't always see it. And my scale isn't good enough to judge anyone because it is flawed by my own flaws. So now I know that there are wonderful people that thankfully someone LIKES as well as loves - even if they are not who I would normally gravitate to. And usually, if I am in good spirits, I listen to learn about what that person has to say rather than wait to see whether they say anything that I would want to claim as my own. Learning to listen is a wonderful skill and part of that love thing Christ talks about because it puts me in the servant position!
Here is where freedom in Christ has helped me. I cannot like every person I meet. I can try to love them with sacrificial love - the kind that takes thinking and action (and sometimes silence) to exhibit and feel. Because I now know (and am actually starting to believe) that my worth is in Christ I can stop worrying about what other people think of my ideas and my thoughts. This is still a work in progress - I really like to be heard and respected. Finally the best thing is that I have learned that I was not put on earth to save anyone. This song has become my own expression of this:
Stabbing Westward - Just Save Yourself
I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as f***d as you
I am just as f***d as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
Now I'm not trying to say that I can't not be the hands and feet of Christ - I can. But I cannot truly save anyone. The bit of transformation I have had through the Holy Spirit has been helped by many people along the way. Some helped by being hurtful in truth, others helped by listening and caring. But in the end I cannot take anyone where they need to go. I hope that as a pastor - or one with the heart of a pastor if not all the skills that I can direct, lead, point, listen and hold hands - but I can't save.
Suddenly I am free. Free to let people be who they are lost in their own issues. Yes, there have been people that I know are upset with me. I have seen them get upset with someone else and not speak up to them so this is how they deal with things. I offered to meet and gave my time - but I can't force someone to acknowledge or to own their feelings. Maybe they think terrible things about me but without expressing them I can't solve the issue. I don't ignore it - I stick my hand out but they have to reciprocate.
Now on the other hand there is a balance to this. I have had relationships with people who are just insensitive to someone else's misery. My reaction to their behaviour they reason is my problem. I agree with this on some levels but also recognize that I was powerless at the time to not feel hurt. Christ often took pity on people. I think there is still room for pity for those situations we know we cannot change. Perhaps prayer that I can be sensitive and keep my boundaries and that the other person's unmet needs can be met in some other way.
I actually have far more people I am in contact with now then 10 years ago. I still have the same friends which are really hard to keep up with what with my schooling but I still find room for more acquaintances - people that I am with for a season, meeting or moment.
This has also allowed me to handle toxic relationships a bit better. I define toxic as those relationships that sour your life without sweetening theirs. Whatever their hang up is it does not matter how they deal with you - their situation doesn't change. Think of the person who abuses. They abuse those they love but taking this abuse does not actually help them get better and the victim of the abuse actually promotes the unhealthy behaviour. I cannot save these people. I can pray for patience and good boundaries for myself and for breakthrough for them. But I cannot make them whole - no matter how much I want to. I am just as f***ed as you.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Itchy Feet
I got talked into sticking with Hebrew and with a lot of diligence got through the mid term. I think I passed at any rate. Meanwhile I am feeling the urge to get a job. I'm tired of this bizarre life I have and we could do with the money. C has an interview tomorrow which I pray he will figure out how to handle. Its difficult to explain why someone who is terminated after 20 years is not at fault. This process of clearing his name is taking forever.
So I look at jobs but realize there are few I really want to do - many require some kind of commitment - if its someone's small business for instance. I really just want to be a tiny nameless cog in a great machine. Let me clock in and out with no fuss.
Meanwhile I'm trying to wind down the role I'm in right now. I can't fill 30 hours a month and my skills aren't being used at all. I started doing menial tasks just so I can do something for the money I earn.
Things never seem to be settled!
So I look at jobs but realize there are few I really want to do - many require some kind of commitment - if its someone's small business for instance. I really just want to be a tiny nameless cog in a great machine. Let me clock in and out with no fuss.
Meanwhile I'm trying to wind down the role I'm in right now. I can't fill 30 hours a month and my skills aren't being used at all. I started doing menial tasks just so I can do something for the money I earn.
Things never seem to be settled!
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