Mourning Loss of a Mentor

I've been to a lot of funerals. Cousins who have died far too soon, young people at school driving too fast, my own father. Most of the time I grieve for them and for their family. With my father, I grieved for the loss of sharing my new Christian life with him. I didn't tell him I was Christian because I new he could be very good at debate (he once won against a school mate who became a very prominent Canadian lawyer) and I wasn't ready for his very logical and demanding arguments.

But I've never lost a mentor before. I might not have seen this person often but I emailed him the odd time when I wanted to share something. He always returned emails so I always felt connected in some way. Like a good mentor, sometimes he was a friend, sometimes a foe but what I respected and learned from him most was that he was always willing to reengage in conversation and sharing ideas. We didn't have a solidified relationship, there was no acknowledgement of any significant tie between us.

I've never visited someone who is dying. It was so hard because there was a lot I wanted to acknowledge but couldn't given that we were praying for a miracle. Sometimes the fewer words the better.

It was just before New Year's Day and he asked me if I was going to preach on the weekend. I laughed because that is my built in defense if someone asks me about this from the CRC church - its a painful joke coming from a denomination that never affirmed my calling. He may as well asked me if I was going to run for mayor. But his response caught me off guard - he asked me quite seriously "why do you laugh?". When someone is weak and sick they don't have the time to waste breath. So you know what you hear is likely the closest to the truth from that person.

I know he knows how much he meant to me. In prayer I do what I always do when I'm frustrated or bewildered - I prayed - "God this sucks" and I told him how much I wanted my friend to get better because he is my mentor and I want the same miracle he wanted.

I'll be honest, my grief isn't really about him. I wish I knew that he was ready to be with God, I sense he had things left to do - I think most thoughtful Christians always feel like there is more to do before we die. But I trust God to care for him even if I don't really know what heaven is. I'm selfish. I'm not ready to lose someone who will email me back about my random thoughts and questions. Who will challenge me, frustrate me beyond all limits and still speak to me the next day. Who though educated beyond my aspirations will ask me big questions and genuinely want to know what I think. Who will sympathize instead of telling me why my feelings or emotions are misplaced.

I miss you George!