For all you non-church goers out there I apologize on behalf of those of us who should know better.
Christians like other real people fight. They disagree, they sometimes vent their anger inappropriately - some of them even are downright mean in how they express themselves. If you see that happening know that that is reality and that it happens in good families as well as in good churches.
What people outside the church need to know is that it is how individuals in a church deal with the issues that matter. Good leaders should be spiritual leaders and able to negotiate the choppy waters of discord. Mature Christians should be able to assist both sides in building bridges
Stop bitching about your church and work to heal the corner you sit in - then cross the room to the other side and do it again.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
I'm so Bleah!
It got a major paper back - 77. B+ I'm used to an 85. I worked my ass off on the paper but the real problem is that he found it hard to understand some of what I was saying. I guess I can own that because I really had a problem writing it and I couldn't seem to get it under control. What annoys me is it should have been better and I know other students did better and it irks me that I can't seem to keep up with their quality of work.
My other paper was a B+ - it was really hard to write and I remember thinking that I had done what I could with it and I was going to be happy with a lower mark because he is a hard marker. But I wrote it so long ago that I can barely remember what it is about.
I keep feeling that I shouldn't be here. I can't put my finger on it - it might just be depression because I'm between churches and I haven't found a new place to serve. I keep promising myself that I will just do lots of spiritual formation work over the month so I can really hear what God is saying.
The continual grind of thinking and pondering about God is troubling too - after a while it becomes an academic exercise - I am hoping I will feel much better once I start volunteering and get away from the academics and church politics.
My other paper was a B+ - it was really hard to write and I remember thinking that I had done what I could with it and I was going to be happy with a lower mark because he is a hard marker. But I wrote it so long ago that I can barely remember what it is about.
I keep feeling that I shouldn't be here. I can't put my finger on it - it might just be depression because I'm between churches and I haven't found a new place to serve. I keep promising myself that I will just do lots of spiritual formation work over the month so I can really hear what God is saying.
The continual grind of thinking and pondering about God is troubling too - after a while it becomes an academic exercise - I am hoping I will feel much better once I start volunteering and get away from the academics and church politics.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Friday's Feast - Nov
Appetizer
What was your first “real” job?
Okay, my first real job was answering telephones at this place where people were calling in for "make money in your own home". It was truly awful. I had a script to read at a large table with a group of people with telephones. The calls came from the States seemed like Florida and the South. The caller would be told that they could sell film from the privacy of their own home. I would walk them through how much they could make just by selling 60 rolls and such. I think there was a start up cost but I can't remember. This was before the Internet - I was 19 and it was my first job ever and I hated every minute of it. It was obvious that I was smarter than the average caller and that they had no idea just what they were gettign into. They were basically given a phone list of people in their area and they bought the film from us. I remember one call where the woman was desperate to make money to help her family. Everytime you made a sale you had to ring a bell. The guy next to me oozed charm and made many sales. Finally my supervisor called me in and fired me. She said I looked miserable and she knew that I would never quit on my own accord - she was doing me a favour. Boy was I relieved - she was right, I would never have quit that job. After that I went and counted inventory - a really odd job for someone who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I actually got promoted in that one!
Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?
I don't think I have any creativity. I do my best thinking in the cemetery because its dead quiet (hee hee).
Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…
I think I'm talking to Cliff in the store and realise he has wandered off. I really hate that.
Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you?
The biggest value has to be to tell the truth. My mother hated when people lied and I can't stand it either. They also instilled trust - they used to leave money lying around and it never occured to me to lift any of it - my friends were always surprised to see a ten sitting on a table. Of course once my smoking habit got into full swing and smokes went up to over 2 bucks I did nick a few quarters here and there - but never bills!
Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.
1) Early teen years - hate to admit it by me and my two friends each had a satin shirt. Mine was magenta. This was the age of disco. I still remember us all planning to wear our shirts on a Friday night. We had no where to go either.
2) Short rabbit fur coats. Short lived fad and I remember desperately wanting one for Christmas - they had them at Fairweathers. I showed them to my Dad who said absolutely not. I thought it was the price, he told me I would look like a hooker in one. I didn't know it then but he was right - they did look like hooker jackets.
3) Nikes - white with a black swirl or white with a blue swirl. The occasional red swirl but where I came from you tried to avoid those unless you were a jock.
What was your first “real” job?
Okay, my first real job was answering telephones at this place where people were calling in for "make money in your own home". It was truly awful. I had a script to read at a large table with a group of people with telephones. The calls came from the States seemed like Florida and the South. The caller would be told that they could sell film from the privacy of their own home. I would walk them through how much they could make just by selling 60 rolls and such. I think there was a start up cost but I can't remember. This was before the Internet - I was 19 and it was my first job ever and I hated every minute of it. It was obvious that I was smarter than the average caller and that they had no idea just what they were gettign into. They were basically given a phone list of people in their area and they bought the film from us. I remember one call where the woman was desperate to make money to help her family. Everytime you made a sale you had to ring a bell. The guy next to me oozed charm and made many sales. Finally my supervisor called me in and fired me. She said I looked miserable and she knew that I would never quit on my own accord - she was doing me a favour. Boy was I relieved - she was right, I would never have quit that job. After that I went and counted inventory - a really odd job for someone who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I actually got promoted in that one!
Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?
I don't think I have any creativity. I do my best thinking in the cemetery because its dead quiet (hee hee).
Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…
I think I'm talking to Cliff in the store and realise he has wandered off. I really hate that.
Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you?
The biggest value has to be to tell the truth. My mother hated when people lied and I can't stand it either. They also instilled trust - they used to leave money lying around and it never occured to me to lift any of it - my friends were always surprised to see a ten sitting on a table. Of course once my smoking habit got into full swing and smokes went up to over 2 bucks I did nick a few quarters here and there - but never bills!
Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.
1) Early teen years - hate to admit it by me and my two friends each had a satin shirt. Mine was magenta. This was the age of disco. I still remember us all planning to wear our shirts on a Friday night. We had no where to go either.
2) Short rabbit fur coats. Short lived fad and I remember desperately wanting one for Christmas - they had them at Fairweathers. I showed them to my Dad who said absolutely not. I thought it was the price, he told me I would look like a hooker in one. I didn't know it then but he was right - they did look like hooker jackets.
3) Nikes - white with a black swirl or white with a blue swirl. The occasional red swirl but where I came from you tried to avoid those unless you were a jock.
Apology to Praise Teams - Most of 'Em
Yeah, a big shout out to LK who has taught me the true meaning of a praise team. In an earlier post I said we should get rid of the praise team and stick 'em in the pews with everyone else.
Ah, but see I was mistaken on the purpose of a praise team - I thought they were performers like you see on TV. You know they glitz up the joint. They are in fact more like conductors giving you cues if you need help following along with the songs and such. Hopefully they also cue the right emotion too - if you are singing a song of joy it would be nice if they looked joyful.
Now in my defence I will state I have been at churches where if the praise team was supposed to be guiding my efforts to worship then I was totally missing the point. It seemed more like a performance than conducting and simple things like making eye contact with the parishioners would help. So, like anything there is good and bad approaches.
I'm glad I'm still awkward at the church thing - it keeps me on my toes.
Ah, but see I was mistaken on the purpose of a praise team - I thought they were performers like you see on TV. You know they glitz up the joint. They are in fact more like conductors giving you cues if you need help following along with the songs and such. Hopefully they also cue the right emotion too - if you are singing a song of joy it would be nice if they looked joyful.
Now in my defence I will state I have been at churches where if the praise team was supposed to be guiding my efforts to worship then I was totally missing the point. It seemed more like a performance than conducting and simple things like making eye contact with the parishioners would help. So, like anything there is good and bad approaches.
I'm glad I'm still awkward at the church thing - it keeps me on my toes.
What on Earth Am I Doing?
Its been difficult trying to explain what I am in doing in the Masters of Divinity program that I am in. We finally have a website up and running - the program has been quietly whirring away in its first years getting its feet and not it is ready to have a modest web site.
Here's where you go:
http://www.tyndale.ca/seminary/inministry/index.php
There are lots of links about what it means to be missional too - its not evangelism and its not about outreach per se - its more about getting out into the community treating our community just like a mission field in Africa or China. You don't build a church overseas and expect people to just show up...
Here's where you go:
http://www.tyndale.ca/seminary/inministry/index.php
There are lots of links about what it means to be missional too - its not evangelism and its not about outreach per se - its more about getting out into the community treating our community just like a mission field in Africa or China. You don't build a church overseas and expect people to just show up...
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Just for You EK
This is for my friend EK who I believe will enjoy the humour along with all of my regular friends who I already know love this kind of humour.
Check out foundmagazine.com
It has been around for a while and is basically just stuff people have found on the street - letters, pictures and such. Its like viewing life through people's scribbles and its fun trying to imagine what these bits of info mean....
Check out foundmagazine.com
It has been around for a while and is basically just stuff people have found on the street - letters, pictures and such. Its like viewing life through people's scribbles and its fun trying to imagine what these bits of info mean....
Miracle Salt
Well, Peter Popoff couldn't wait for me to send my money to annoint me with the blessing that is in store for me - he has now sent me a bag of Miracle Dead Sea salt. See my blog on the Miracle Water if you haven't read it.
I got a little tiny baggie of salt - I'm supposed to put some on my tongue and mail my money off.
Peter is very anxious about me because in another letter not connected with the whole Miracle Water project he has told me that he has seen satan in a vision talking to two of his evil doers as I passed by with a loved one and that they are plotting to destroy me financially and one of my relationships. Suddenly he has upped the ante because this letter wants 200 dollars as seed money to show God that I am obedient to Him. Then, once the money is sent Peter has been annointed to change my life - he isn't ready to tell my how much money I will receive but he addresses the letter to all those in the Million Dollar Club.
I'm really looking forward to the coming weeks - I think there will be lots more opportunities coming to me.
I got a little tiny baggie of salt - I'm supposed to put some on my tongue and mail my money off.
Peter is very anxious about me because in another letter not connected with the whole Miracle Water project he has told me that he has seen satan in a vision talking to two of his evil doers as I passed by with a loved one and that they are plotting to destroy me financially and one of my relationships. Suddenly he has upped the ante because this letter wants 200 dollars as seed money to show God that I am obedient to Him. Then, once the money is sent Peter has been annointed to change my life - he isn't ready to tell my how much money I will receive but he addresses the letter to all those in the Million Dollar Club.
I'm really looking forward to the coming weeks - I think there will be lots more opportunities coming to me.
Women In Ministry
I had my counsellor (MDiv appointed requirement - for everyone, not just me) as if I am uncomfortable that the prof has not come out on one side or the other regarding women in leadership within the church.
I really don't care. He's here to teach and is a careful theologian and has spent time on the issue. To teach here you have to sign a declaration that you accept that women will be taking classes and to uphold that right. That's enough for me.
I have read both sides of the argument and I can understand both sides. I have a calling and that is what I have to go by. It may not be the best answer (after all the devil is a cunning liar) but I certainly tested the call enough to stand by it.
I guess I look at the women in my class and think "what, what great leaders" - I'd love to have some of their qualities.
I am so fortunate not to carry this burden of feeling the need to prove myself to others as a woman - I'm too busy trying to prove myself as a person that I don't have time to worry about the rest. Maybe this is part of my problem -maybe I need to start understanding that when people see me they see gender and I need to work to extinguish that.
My own bias, I'm not crazy on women preachers - its there delivery that throws me off - I like a distinct - this is the way it is and I don't think we have encouraged women to deliver a speech that way - again - I think this is what gets me into trouble. My brother Ian can say the most direct blunt thing and people see him as being decisive. I can't even go as far as the things he says and I get that I'm shutting people down or I'm a "strong woman". Show me the weak man I'm supposed to emulate!
I really don't care. He's here to teach and is a careful theologian and has spent time on the issue. To teach here you have to sign a declaration that you accept that women will be taking classes and to uphold that right. That's enough for me.
I have read both sides of the argument and I can understand both sides. I have a calling and that is what I have to go by. It may not be the best answer (after all the devil is a cunning liar) but I certainly tested the call enough to stand by it.
I guess I look at the women in my class and think "what, what great leaders" - I'd love to have some of their qualities.
I am so fortunate not to carry this burden of feeling the need to prove myself to others as a woman - I'm too busy trying to prove myself as a person that I don't have time to worry about the rest. Maybe this is part of my problem -maybe I need to start understanding that when people see me they see gender and I need to work to extinguish that.
My own bias, I'm not crazy on women preachers - its there delivery that throws me off - I like a distinct - this is the way it is and I don't think we have encouraged women to deliver a speech that way - again - I think this is what gets me into trouble. My brother Ian can say the most direct blunt thing and people see him as being decisive. I can't even go as far as the things he says and I get that I'm shutting people down or I'm a "strong woman". Show me the weak man I'm supposed to emulate!
Puppies in a Box
It's a rather ominous title but don't fear - these are live, skittish, puppies we're talking about.
I was asking one of the pastors that works with youth what the deal was with young people and the touching, hugging business. I noticed it my first day here and it still freaks me out - guys hugging guys, girls holding hands, big hugs and just lots of touching. Non-sexual of course but very touchy-feely - which is not me. I have hugged people more since becoming a Christian then all the other years put together.
Anyhow, on my way back from the caf there are two girls sharing a chair, one with her head on the other and the other stroking her hair. I asked 'what gives - is this some Christian thing or is it a youth thing?" I have been assured that it is a youth thing - kids nowadays like to touch. Gross - in my day I 'll have you know that the boys sat with one chair between each one of them at the theatre. And the closest I got to a girl was when we threw our purses down on the ground and danced facing each other in a circle. Stroke my hair? - you better be buying me dinner!
As he describes it, the youth of today are like puppies in a box and I have to say its a pretty apt description. Of course I have never seen this in my home church because any sign of affection, or warm emotion is met with a very distant look - like "Gee did I leave the oven on?". And crying! Forget it - I have had entire conversations where I have been crying and its just ignored - like spinach in your teeth. Which unfortunately makes me cry more because whatever made me cry is still be talked about like its no big thing....
I'd make a lousy youth leader - I mean the occasional hug and tears I can stand but puppy love is just so discomforting.
I was asking one of the pastors that works with youth what the deal was with young people and the touching, hugging business. I noticed it my first day here and it still freaks me out - guys hugging guys, girls holding hands, big hugs and just lots of touching. Non-sexual of course but very touchy-feely - which is not me. I have hugged people more since becoming a Christian then all the other years put together.
Anyhow, on my way back from the caf there are two girls sharing a chair, one with her head on the other and the other stroking her hair. I asked 'what gives - is this some Christian thing or is it a youth thing?" I have been assured that it is a youth thing - kids nowadays like to touch. Gross - in my day I 'll have you know that the boys sat with one chair between each one of them at the theatre. And the closest I got to a girl was when we threw our purses down on the ground and danced facing each other in a circle. Stroke my hair? - you better be buying me dinner!
As he describes it, the youth of today are like puppies in a box and I have to say its a pretty apt description. Of course I have never seen this in my home church because any sign of affection, or warm emotion is met with a very distant look - like "Gee did I leave the oven on?". And crying! Forget it - I have had entire conversations where I have been crying and its just ignored - like spinach in your teeth. Which unfortunately makes me cry more because whatever made me cry is still be talked about like its no big thing....
I'd make a lousy youth leader - I mean the occasional hug and tears I can stand but puppy love is just so discomforting.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Church Rant
I haven't really gotten around to calling people, havent'really wanted to talk about it.
I'm bummed with my hunt for a church. Now I have to be careful with this because many of the people reading this are waiting for me to give them a good reason not to think about God and church and all that.
But church is a bunch of people. Just like at a bar. Ian hangs with people at the bar and they have discussions, fall outs and politics. Don't get him started about the darts group! Bars are more tolerable because even if you don't drink you can laugh at the ones who do. But church is crazy because we think it should be different. Of course it should, the people should be kinder and more loving to one another. And for the most part we are better than the average bar - because if we are authentic you see us at our worst - when we are ourselves - or like the nice guy who gets obnoxious after a few beers. Yet we keep coming back to see each other.
The problem is that the church building and its people do a lousy job of advertising what the whole point of showing up is. Without God, church would be hell. A bunch of people that you wouldn't want to sit next to on the bus singing together, meeting and making decisions together and discussing important topics like religion together. Its like one long day at work without the salaries and the risk of losing a job to keep everyone in line and there is no retirement to look forward to.
That's what you need to know about church. We are there, most of us anyways, because we love God and church is where we go to worship him and tell him how we feel about him and what he has done in our lives. It makes no sense to someone who doesn't love God how anyone could stand going to church. Just like those freaky beauty pageants for three year olds make absolutely no sense to those of us who see them for the very scary demented hobby that they are.
Yes, there are people in church who haven't experienced God personally. I admire them for showing up every week because they think they should. But the majority of us are there because we have to be there - its where we belong and we just have to learn how to love each other.
My frustration is that the very institution that is used to gather those who worship God is not geared for people who want to find out about religion. There are shops in Bayview Village that I would never have the courage to look in - I don't have the style, the figure or the cash. Why would I expect people who don't know God want to come into church and poke around? Well, I don't. So my frustration isn't with church and the politics - its with what I can't seem to get done with church.
I am ready to go out and be Christ's hands and feet and hopefully say some things that he would approve of in an effort to let people know how loving God is and how this crazy stuff I believe is so true to me. But I don't know how to do it by myself and I can't seem to find a church ready to do it with me.
So while I sort this out, I'm quiet about church and my calling. I'm trying to get my head together which means listening for God's leading. I'm sure I'm a paradox to many of you - you see how passionate I am and frustrated at the same time. It's not church or God - its trying to fit it all together.
I'm bummed with my hunt for a church. Now I have to be careful with this because many of the people reading this are waiting for me to give them a good reason not to think about God and church and all that.
But church is a bunch of people. Just like at a bar. Ian hangs with people at the bar and they have discussions, fall outs and politics. Don't get him started about the darts group! Bars are more tolerable because even if you don't drink you can laugh at the ones who do. But church is crazy because we think it should be different. Of course it should, the people should be kinder and more loving to one another. And for the most part we are better than the average bar - because if we are authentic you see us at our worst - when we are ourselves - or like the nice guy who gets obnoxious after a few beers. Yet we keep coming back to see each other.
The problem is that the church building and its people do a lousy job of advertising what the whole point of showing up is. Without God, church would be hell. A bunch of people that you wouldn't want to sit next to on the bus singing together, meeting and making decisions together and discussing important topics like religion together. Its like one long day at work without the salaries and the risk of losing a job to keep everyone in line and there is no retirement to look forward to.
That's what you need to know about church. We are there, most of us anyways, because we love God and church is where we go to worship him and tell him how we feel about him and what he has done in our lives. It makes no sense to someone who doesn't love God how anyone could stand going to church. Just like those freaky beauty pageants for three year olds make absolutely no sense to those of us who see them for the very scary demented hobby that they are.
Yes, there are people in church who haven't experienced God personally. I admire them for showing up every week because they think they should. But the majority of us are there because we have to be there - its where we belong and we just have to learn how to love each other.
My frustration is that the very institution that is used to gather those who worship God is not geared for people who want to find out about religion. There are shops in Bayview Village that I would never have the courage to look in - I don't have the style, the figure or the cash. Why would I expect people who don't know God want to come into church and poke around? Well, I don't. So my frustration isn't with church and the politics - its with what I can't seem to get done with church.
I am ready to go out and be Christ's hands and feet and hopefully say some things that he would approve of in an effort to let people know how loving God is and how this crazy stuff I believe is so true to me. But I don't know how to do it by myself and I can't seem to find a church ready to do it with me.
So while I sort this out, I'm quiet about church and my calling. I'm trying to get my head together which means listening for God's leading. I'm sure I'm a paradox to many of you - you see how passionate I am and frustrated at the same time. It's not church or God - its trying to fit it all together.
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