I Enjoy Sinning

Hmm...my classmates may be ready to oust me.  I`m just not on the same wavelength.  We were talking about one of our readings and someone commented that once we are fully transformed at the end of time there would be no enjoyment in sinning - we would never want to sin so would naturally not sin.

The question was why did the author say this since we don`t enjoy sinning....I spoke up right away and said I DO enjoy sinning.  This was not well accepted.  I pointed out that if I did not get some kind of pleasure from it I wouldn`t do it.  My prof corrected me to say that of course with reflection I would come to regret my sin and then feel badly for it.  I didn`t want to disagree but frankly I do not even recognize my sin at all times - if I did I would never get off my knees from praying for strength.

We should pray for Jane, her daughter is dating a pagan!

Maybe people do not see sin the same way.  Maybe they just think about the big sins.  I certainly do not enjoy killing people.  But I do enjoy gossip.  It may not look 100% like gossip if I cover it up with words of concern but likely there is some gossip in it.  What about wasting time, over eating, lust...

Or am I really not as ``good`` as the rest.....

Enough bitching!!

I'm working on my Hebrew - well I'm supposed to be and was listening to the Pirate Radio while doing so. They were giving rewards for the three worst Easter sermons this year. I only heard the third - yes it was pretty bad. They kept saying "this is why you don't let young men preach". The one that I heard was the best of the two - I can't image the other two. These are small churches who can't afford a preacher - these are big churches. But while I'm listening I appreciate the snide comments on one hand but realize that this is really a guilty pleasure. And its really not feeling like a pleasure because I know its really not right. Now I've done my share of bitching lately about bad preaching. And I really have a low tolerance for poor worship planning. But I don't want to end up being so snarky about it either. I think part of my frustration is this place I'm in where I get validation when I preach but I certainly don't have any denominational support to move ahead to ordination. I feel that each time I preach in a new place I have to "prove" something which annoys me because it can get in the way of my preparation if I let it.

So on Easter Sunday I preached what I knew they need to hear and balanced it with the easy, joyful message they expected and wanted. Easter to me isn't as simple as preaching He is Arisen! Because its only part of the story - without Pentecost his arising is a great thing for us to marvel about - but we are really only spectators with a great role model and lots of teaching to try to follow. With the Holy Spirit we are new people! Its always hard to know - do you preach to those who know their faith inside and out - who have great expectations of what they would like to hear or do you preach to the ones that come to church but haven't figured it all out? The more I meet with churched people the more I find that haven't found the true joy - they know that it is a joyful day because they have been told - but that joy has been elusive and they have been settling for what others seem to have. I'm glad I did what I thought was needed rather than what was wanted. If my style and discernment is not suitable then it is best they find someone else.

It seemed appreciated - some people who have grown up in Christian homes liked the new perspective on why Easter can be so important to one group and totally ignored (well except for chocolate bunnies and egg hunts) by the rest.

I have not idea who I will ever preach with full time. Maybe it is ultimately not in God's plan.

Religion vs Jesus

I love this bumpersticker that says: "I love Jesus, its just his fanclub I can't stand".

A friend sent me a link to a pastor who wrote about the difference between religion and following Christ. I agreed with a lot of what the pastor had to say and have often said the same things. What really struck me were the comments he received back. People who were grateful that he had the courage to speak up. People who had been so well versed in what it meant to be a good church member that they missed the bigger point. I almost cried when I read these - I'm not an emotional person except when it comes to those who are in church but just haven't gotten the big picture yet. What really amazed me was that the way I see things seems to be unique - people seem genuinely moved by what this pastor wrote and yet I would hope that there are people in every church who "get" the big picture and recognize that the human church is a place of broken people.

I used to think that it was a curse that I was not raised in a church going family. They seemed to understand God and spirituality and everything to me seemed to be a big question. Nothing made sense of God. He sends a son to die like a criminal at our hands and somehow this solves everything? What on earth does this even mean? People told me you need to be a Christian to understand and I was angry that I had this block - that God for whatever reason refused to let me understand this thing that everyone said was so easy. I guess this journey brought me to a place of quiet understanding. I didn't go the regular route and now I can see things differently

So now I have a love for these people - especially the ones that argue about the colour of the carpet for the sanctuary. Because they are so in need of Christ's vision of church. Which starts with them - that they are loved and that the power to choose the colour of the carpet is selling what God has for them short.

Some people run from these churches. I run towards them. The trick is knowing when I am doing so with the love of Christ or when I am doing so for the rush of small changes when people's perceptions change in tiny ways to see the bigger picture. I'm not sure if this is a good desire or not. It certainly is limited in its great moments - its more that of a prophet who the weak look to for guidance while the powerful disdain. Its not comfortable and at times I have not wanted this "gift". It's a role where I need accountability, a life of prayer and really strong self identity. I'm not there yet!

Relationships - The Thread Theory

In my beginning I was a trusting sort. I wanted everyone to be my friend, to be acceptable to all that came across my path.

As I got older I gave everyone a "mark". Upon meeting someone I assumed they were 100% and then I started deducting points. Not in a real linear fashion but in a sort of gut way. Being perceptive and not wanting to make an effort I could usually pin someone onto the scale within the first few minutes of meeting them. Often I would distrust this first glance and give it a longer time only to arrive back at the original impression months later.

When I turned 30 everything settled into place. I came up with the thread theory. Now before I tell you my theory you need to know that I moved around from place to place every 4 years until I moved to Toronto. By the time I was 30 I had actually managed to keep the same friends for 10 years. So the Thread Theory was really based on learning what to do when you don't automatically lose your friendships at the 4 year mark.

The Thread Theory

Your life is a piece of fabric - a knit fabric like a sweater or a tweed. The people in your life along with everything else is woven together to form that fabric. Now you know that piece of thread that is always just dangling there? That's the thread "friend". That's the person in your life you have to figure out what to do with:

1) they don't fit into your life like the rest

2) depending on where they are in the fabric this does or does not matter - a thread hanging off your sleeve is hard to ignore (and annoying) a thread which is part of a hem is essential, a thread hanging in place that no one sees is not important to your fabric.

3) You have choices as to what to do with the thread:

- cut it off
- take the time to try to put it on a needle and thread it back into the material
- pull it which will either disengage it from the material or make the fabric pucker (you really have to be careful if you are frustrated and take on the "pull" method rather than think about the best course of action
- ignore it - if you can
- the worst option is this one - you have a thread that you can't quite put back into the fabric but that you can't lose either because it will unravel other things - this requires a patch or glue or something - thankfully these are rare and they probably represent family members like ex husbands that you still need around or high maintenance people you would like to let go of can't for some particular reason in your life

When I turned 30 I saw everyone a threads. If you were annoying and dangling at my wrist and really weren't needed in the fabric I just snipped you off. Gone, kapput. Huge relief for me because I could stop feeling guilty that this annoying person who was not getting in line was out of the way. For whatever reason the effort to try to interweave this thread back into the fabric wasn't worth the time. I dropped a few threads - mostly people who I suspected were using up my energy rather than contributing to my life.

I also had other threads that I figured had to be more carefully woven in - for those I tried to make a conscious effort to think about how this could be done. As soon as I noticed a thread I decided - do I cut this one or weave it.

It wasn't until today I thought about those threads that you spend time putting patches on. My father fell into that category. At some point I had the scissors ready because of the dance of trying to communicate with him - not being able to get a hold of him or getting messages picked up. But a father - unless he is toxic - can't be snipped, nor ignored and you can't always force them to be woven back in. All you can do is continually put a patch in place so the thread doesn't go any further to either unravel your life or to go missing altogether.

The Thread Theory made life easy. I could assess you pretty quickly - and I am rarely wrong since I'm the only one that makes the rules! and I could cut you off before I bothered to weave you in. Saves a lot of time.

I had a long drawn out battle with this perception when I became a Christian. Not at first - I knew I was right in all that I thought and my system worked. But with time I was challenged and realized that not only did my pastor challenge me on "writing people off" but that this was distinctly unChrist like. That loving people thing is really easy to ignore and I think many of us do it very well! Well what do I do when I meet you and know that I don't like you?

This is the new stage that has taken 6 or so years to get to. I have learned to try to love everyone. Now the guy from Ontario Energy that called this afternoon will tell you I have a lot to learn. As will the guy behind the pharmacy counter yesterday who had a very stupid rule that prevents me from getting my meds until I can track down my doctor who is away til Monday. These people will tell you that I am not very nice and am essentially the same person as years ago. But in fact there is a transformation in my perception. If I was to meet them in a party my intuition would still kick in and I would know where they fall but the scale used is different. They are always 100% in someone's eyes - I just can't always see it. And my scale isn't good enough to judge anyone because it is flawed by my own flaws. So now I know that there are wonderful people that thankfully someone LIKES as well as loves - even if they are not who I would normally gravitate to. And usually, if I am in good spirits, I listen to learn about what that person has to say rather than wait to see whether they say anything that I would want to claim as my own. Learning to listen is a wonderful skill and part of that love thing Christ talks about because it puts me in the servant position!

Here is where freedom in Christ has helped me. I cannot like every person I meet. I can try to love them with sacrificial love - the kind that takes thinking and action (and sometimes silence) to exhibit and feel. Because I now know (and am actually starting to believe) that my worth is in Christ I can stop worrying about what other people think of my ideas and my thoughts. This is still a work in progress - I really like to be heard and respected. Finally the best thing is that I have learned that I was not put on earth to save anyone. This song has become my own expression of this:

Stabbing Westward - Just Save Yourself

I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as f***d as you
I am just as f***d as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

Now I'm not trying to say that I can't not be the hands and feet of Christ - I can. But I cannot truly save anyone. The bit of transformation I have had through the Holy Spirit has been helped by many people along the way. Some helped by being hurtful in truth, others helped by listening and caring. But in the end I cannot take anyone where they need to go. I hope that as a pastor - or one with the heart of a pastor if not all the skills that I can direct, lead, point, listen and hold hands - but I can't save.

Suddenly I am free. Free to let people be who they are lost in their own issues. Yes, there have been people that I know are upset with me. I have seen them get upset with someone else and not speak up to them so this is how they deal with things. I offered to meet and gave my time - but I can't force someone to acknowledge or to own their feelings. Maybe they think terrible things about me but without expressing them I can't solve the issue. I don't ignore it - I stick my hand out but they have to reciprocate.

Now on the other hand there is a balance to this. I have had relationships with people who are just insensitive to someone else's misery. My reaction to their behaviour they reason is my problem. I agree with this on some levels but also recognize that I was powerless at the time to not feel hurt. Christ often took pity on people. I think there is still room for pity for those situations we know we cannot change. Perhaps prayer that I can be sensitive and keep my boundaries and that the other person's unmet needs can be met in some other way.

I actually have far more people I am in contact with now then 10 years ago. I still have the same friends which are really hard to keep up with what with my schooling but I still find room for more acquaintances - people that I am with for a season, meeting or moment.

This has also allowed me to handle toxic relationships a bit better. I define toxic as those relationships that sour your life without sweetening theirs. Whatever their hang up is it does not matter how they deal with you - their situation doesn't change. Think of the person who abuses. They abuse those they love but taking this abuse does not actually help them get better and the victim of the abuse actually promotes the unhealthy behaviour. I cannot save these people. I can pray for patience and good boundaries for myself and for breakthrough for them. But I cannot make them whole - no matter how much I want to. I am just as f***ed as you.

Poor people are non-Christians

I'm getting tired of the poverty angle the church keeps promoting. Had a sermon "The Rich Young Ruler". C liked it - I really wasn't into it. The pastor presented North Americans as all Rich Young Rulers. Our response to Christ is to give choices to those around us. She brought what she called "heroes" to church as they decided to live in a poorer part of town in order to serve them.

I have heard this before - we are called to serve the poor - lets find poor people and help them out.

This church is in a wealthy part of town. The poorest are those who are students. The majority of the community is not living in poverty. The solution seems to be that we are to find poor people. What I want to know is why aren't there any Christians living in Regent Park? Do all the Christians live in the rich parts of town? If so why don't I see a lot of people on the streets around the church in church? Or are they all busy on Sundays slumming it?

I am not poor. I have never been poor. I did not come to Christ out of my physical poverty - no soup kitchen, food drive or mental health outreach service was ever going to reach me. I was too rich to need these things. Why am I to be taken out of my community that I understand and thrust upon the poor as though I am the answer to the questions I don't even know?

Let's stop treating the poor as an way - an easy way I might add - of sharing Christ. These are people - not projects. Let's assist the Christians and churches in those areas with funds - that is what is needed - churches cannot exist in poor areas because the Christians cannot give enough to pay the rent and salaries of the church workers. I say to all churches - direct a portion of your tithes to a poor church - who can use the money to help the Christians address systemic needs. Ask people for what they need - and respond.

Let's stop assuming that poverty is a non-Christian problem!

Jesus isn't a great table tennis parnter...

I had this dream that Jesus was my partner for table tennis. But he hadn't shown up. So in my head I'm being kind of bitchy about it - I mean after all the Son of God should be more reliable! But to get another perspective I mentioned aloud: "Gee, Jesus is late, I wonder where he is...". Right away people are making excuses - you know he probably ran into some people that needed to be healed.

Here is the scary part - I felt that that is not a good enough excuse - its a boundaries issue. Jesus knew he had an appointment with me and also knew that regardless of where he is someone needs to be healed. He made that choice when he said he would show up. Its all about balance.

When I think about it I realise that if Jesus was physically here we would not be happy if he tried to take a break for table tennis. He must of gotten a lot of flack when he took breaks from healing. He didn't have the Benny Hinn method down where you cluster them into a stadium for a one night only performance.....

Growing Arms

I heard a sermon yesterday that really disturbed me. An ancedote was given which indicated that a group had gotten together and prayed for a man who had lost an arm in the war. As a result of the prayer fingers started to grow out of the arm and then slowly a whole new arm emerged.

Now, imagine as I am hearing this what you know must be going through my mind. How can anyone believe that this has happened? I was given the name Frances Hunter which I later looked up on the Internet. I couldn't find claims of growing a whole arm but there are claims of growing a limb under an inch. They are the Happy Hunters. I've never heard of them but they have quite the following. But I note that even the charismatic websites are starting to question these faith healers.

Forget the power of the Spirit - I'm not disputing that. I believe Jesus is God, that he died and rose again on the third day. I beleive that he rose people from the dead. I also know that he has totally changed my life around and as obnoxious as my personality may be at times, I am a different person. This is testimony enough - I don't need new arms growing off of stumps to believe.

But I'm not born yesterday. If this was true, this news story would have shot around the world. For heaven's sakes we have stories about face transplants that we all know about - a new arm growing would be quite the story. Think about how many images of Mary found on potato chips and on the sides of buildings we have heard about - why haven't I heard about the miraculous arm?

Yet, and this really gets me, pastors in my life are often not willing to criticize Benny Hinn, Todd Bentley and others for obvious errors in judgment. They are not willing to suggest that they are frauds as if this somehow denigrates the Holy Spirit. However, if you look at any of the evidence of these faith healings you will find a few ancedotal stories out of the 1000's of healings they do a year. If you want to glorify God wouldn't you want everyone to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has healed? And if God was using you so powerfully would you not be in such a humble state and in such a fear of that power that you would feel obliged to ensure that your bank accounts are open for scrutiny. As pastors we are called to put our lives on display - broken as we are - surely the church bank accounts should be open to scrutiny if suggestions of making money off of healing causes people to stumble?

This is common sense and I don't understand the unwillingness of the holy to take a stand. If you believe that this stuff is real then work to glorify God and answer the skeptics. If you are not sure then work to become sure one way or the other. But putting our head in the sand makes us either ignorant of God's miraculous works or aiding those who are fraudsters to blaspheme God.

I think I'm screwed...

So many things converged to one incident that I have to take responsibility for:

1) My cat loves to drink my pop. I do not like her drinking my pop, especially if she chooses to stick her foot in it. I know where that foot has been! So isn't it cute to give her a little bowl of water to drink while I drink my pop?

2) So help me if that phone is ringing because D has another question about this vacuum I'll scream - as I lunge to get to the phone because C is sleeping - the water sloshes over the side of the bowl

3) Which I don't notice until I come back to the laptop and notice water dripping out of one of the ports.

It has totally died. With the beginnings of my paper on Cyprian in there. I feel incredibly guilty because we bought it second hand for my course. I don't use it much for that but it is an incredible stupid move on my part.

Many times I have thought, "should I move that water?". Thinking without action is of much use!

Are we allowed to thank people?

C reported on an odd event. A moment came where a group of volunteers were leaving and a spokesperson was asked say a word of thanks.

The response to this was:

"when I was first asked to do this, I wondered if we normally do this, do we thank people before they leave?"

Wow, talk about a Protestant work ethic. First, that it would be against tradition to thank volunteers. Secondly, that there wouldn't be a recognition of how much it says about your company if you have to think about whether its okay to thank people and then to not be aware that sharing this thought with the gathering of folks might be as bad as not thanking people at all. Sometimes its better to keep these thoughts to ourselves and be gracious. Was this verbalized in case someone complains that it was wrong to thank the volunteers?

Yup, sign me up. I want to volunteer where even being asked to thank volunteers becomes a well thought out decision.

I don't get it. Gee, I used to thank employees for their work a few times a year usually around Christmas and around Staff Appreciation Day. Sometimes for no reason at all or when they had really pulled together - and yet these were paid employees. I wonder if this is a cultural thing and if anyone else other than C and I think its weird.

We are All Deaf and Blind

I have been preparing my sermon for Wednesday on Doubting Thomas. A favourite guy of mine because he had the nerve to actually question the reality of the risen Christ from the grave.

And while working on this sermon I reflected on what he had going for him - he was part of a small group, he liked to ask questions (Lord, we don't know where you are going), he would follow Jesus to death (Let us go and die with him). Do you notice to that the talks about himself in terms of community - we and us. He was ripe for faith and yet when the other disciples kept telling him about Christ arisen he refused or couldn't believe.

With the thoughts of the nursing home crowd in my mind I was thinking what I didn't have going for me - some are blind, some are deaf, some are not really cognitive. But you know, that is all of us. None of us "found" Christ - we are unable to find him on our own. We are blind and deaf and with defective reasoning. Instead of thinking that the nursing home is the hardest place to preach it is the most honest place to preach. It is the place where nothing I say or do will convince anyone of anything. My actions, my willingness to come points to something - but I have no power that is not given to me except by God. So really, my best preaching will be there because I can't rely on the cheap jokes and passionate response to emotional words.

Somewhere is the dividing line between preaching technique and faith - trying to spend enough time on both is what is needed.

Christian Stuff

Don't know if anyone reads this very often, but if you do you might notice that I have been quiet. I've been experiencing life. Which means its been a bit of a mixture of ups and downs and decisions. Being quiet is good, normally I'm impatient to make a decision and force people to abide by it!

I think I've left my "Christian" teen years where being impulsive and passionate is slowly giving away to a more matured response. And also a realisation that all of the communities that we serve and serve us can only take us so far. And sometimes they don't take us where we need to go at all. Sooner or later as we mature we realise that all the best advice in the world is just a perspective and like all perspectives there really isn't a right or wrong.

So how does one make decisions in this space? Well, as a Christian I look for guidance in Scripture - and that's tough. Because I know what "should" be happening based on Scripture. But I also know what may happen if I follow it. It seems that my role so often in this new life has been to not go with the flow of the river, but to slow the flow, frustrate it. But a river keeps moving quickly along once it gets past the disruption. Its the rock in the river that ends up yielding bit by bit by the continual battering.

Not a good frame of mind for ministry. And it has crossed my mind that this all seems futile and the first advice of not going into ministry was maybe the best I ever received. But then I take a breath and go back to Scripture. In a post modern mind it is very hard to remember to follow "Truth". There are so many truths that are false promises. But I remind myself that if I don't believe that Scripture is different then I've already left ministry. I have no idea where I am going career wise. I know I have had an influence in my small way in my arenas, I pray that it was for the glory of God. But I still feel stuck, not going with the flow means not fitting in at church, not going with all the advice that I have been given - most of it conflicting anyway.

This is the best time of year to have this reflection. I am preaching at the nursing home on Sunday (hopefully no one will scream out "I want to die" this time) and I am preaching on that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Easter in a nursing home seems like a place to preach hope without really engaging in the reality of the congregation. But the passage is for me as much as for them. Rather than the sugar coated messages of candy filled filled mouths is the other side of Easter - that the darkest places are still in the light. That we are not forgotten, that we are not and can never be separated from the love of God. That sometimes the only comfort we have in our bodies and our spirit is this promise. Without Easter, nothing is bearable.

That's why I like the photo up top - taken "borrowed" from a friend's collection of work. Its sunrise and the light casts promise of more light, the trees will become clearer, the snow will melt to reveal the landscape more clearly. There is more than I can see now.

Medley, Or How to Ruin Two Songs

For the older crowd you may remember the "Hooked On" series of cassette tapes - basically they take the best bits of memorable songs and blend them into a long play medley of familiar tunes - very catchy. Very fast food too - who wants to listen to a whole album when you can listen to a few verses of all the best songs. With the advent of the CD with the availability to play tracks in any order and to a much larger extent, iTunes where you can put any group of songs in any order, medleys are a thing of the past. Except in a church I know.

Imagine the hauntingly moving "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross" chopped into pieces with verses sung in twos with another song blended in. Now if you hate this hymn 0r don't know it - it cannot be improved by trying to sing it without another song. If you love the hymn and relate it to specific times in the church calendar, emotions or just like it because you know the words enough to think about it when you sing it, then you are stuck with a jarring experience of a whole new song. As I stood trying to pick up the tune each time we went back to the other song I got more frustrated and wondered why in the H someone would want to mess with a classic. The alternate song was a song about mercy. As my husband pointed out, who is no more musical then I am, there are already two well known songs, one contemporary and one hymn quality that were written to evoke the sorrow/joy of Christ's sacrifice by having a mournful tune in one part and a lively response in another. We don't need to reinvent the wheel.

Now, I don't normally like bashing the church when it comes to how we worship but this approach has appeared twice in a row now. Don't get me wrong - I have no problem with singing an entry from one song, singing a complete second song, then ending with the ending of the first selection. But interspering verses drives me crazy - unless we sing this particular version a number of times I will never be free to just sing and reflect, instead I am listening hard to the second unknown tune and trying to figure out the link in between the sound, tone, message and what I am supposing to expressing to God. At one point I was so frustrated I almost started laughing because it just reminded me of some horrible lounge singer - taking bits and pieces of other people's work and throwing it out there to see if something sticks. "Really, you've been a great crowd, I'm back on at 9:00 if you want to hear more."

But what to do? Does one register a "no vote" and let the Worship group know you don't like what they do? That seems wrong - maybe everyone else likes it. Do you just suffer through it? I've been praying before worship because I just can't connect. I can see why people change churches over worship - but that is definitely not the answer either. So, in this too there needs to be grace. I am going to remember this for the future though - openly discussing feedback allows for different opinions to be heard - the good and the bad. If I am the only one that doesn't like this style then I can live with for the sake of others, but I'm selfish enough to assume that lots of people don't like it!

Hurry up and wait.

I think I'm in the Hurry Up and Wait stage of my journey - again. After being overloaded with too much work, I now have very little to do at the church. In fact they are having an introduction to missional churches being hosted by Home Missions which given the events before January I would have expected to be helping out with. I was supposed to be sitting on that committte and though I have been told by those with inside knowledge that my name was forwarded and approved I have not heard anything more. Not to mention my whole degree at school is focused on missional thinking. I have more background then the presenter just from the fact of living it for a year and a half in my studies.

Instead, I was specifically notified to come and yet I can't say my heart is in it. Without a pastor and being in the middle of the pastoral search this seems a strange time to introduce new ideas to the church. I think we need a breather to figure out who we are before we decide where we want to go.

My own covenant with the church is pretty much gone. After the fiasco of handling my proposal for a sermon which was not considered "acceptable" I have withdrawn from preaching. Even if the sermon outline was as bad as that there is a way of handling these disputes and this was not handled properly whether a fellow parishioner or in this case an ordained elder. I have been urged to take it formally to Council but have felt the way the winds are blowing and can see that this is a big blow up waiting for a venue.

Anyhow, as a student I seek a mentor. Someone who will guide me and give me more perspective but not cut me down at the knees with little help to get back up. This is not the place and I suspect not the right city. I have contacted the rep once again who is supposed to guide me in all things Calvin and have gotten no response.

I'm so well aware that there is a much easier path - one of the churches that his highly recommended by the Baptists as being missional is looking for an associate pastor - one of the roles is to provide pastoral care to the elderly and women. The elderly is by best area of pastoral care - no mention of teens which are completely out of my league. I'm not sure that I would apply for this position but could put forward my name as an intern willing to pick up the extra that this new position can't handle and perhaps they would be happy to have a student with some background.

It seems easy doesn't it? Here's a church that has been in the back of my mind ready to expand its staff and yet I'm leary. I'm not convinced that I'm done with this annoying denomination yet. The fact that it annoys me so much keeps me feeling like I'm here because I see the promise of the people that our theology and sense of "right" keeps us from releasing.

This refusal to go the easier route drives my friends crazy who see my stubborness as some form of selfpunishment - I understand that but this isn't like other jobs.

So, I'm in between again. I have missed more church since December then I ever have in my life. Cliff is ready to go somewhere else and I am just trying to figure out what to do next. I don't want to push ahead where I need to be patient and yet don't want to sit still - especially if I am not feeling the same way about my church. The problem with church is that I normally believe that you stick it out wherever you are because that is your community. But professionally, I don't know what more I can learn here expect more patience. Somehow I have to force my butt into the pew!

Papua New Guinea

I'm pretty lousy at geography and don't have an urge to travel to other lands - I feel uncomfortable if I'm not familiar with the cultural expections - afraid I will come off as ignorant or insensitive.

I don't know anything about this country - didn't even realise is was so close to Australia!

But here is a little bit I have been able to learn from the WDOP site and the CIA Sourcebook.

At one point a colony of Australia with independence in 1975.

Life expectancy is 66 years. Most people work as farmers and unemployment can be as high as 80 % in the urban areas. 63% of men over 15 can read, 50% of women. Close to 6 million people live here - between cell phone and fixed lined phones there is a total of 360,000 phones. More than 800 languages are spoken!

From the WDOP website (USA)

PNG's Babies and young children who are dying at high rates leaving communities to struggle with the cause of all these deaths.

Violence against women, a longtime issue, is now being challenged by women in order to meaningfully live and take care of their children.

Oil companies and corporations reaping benefits from Papua New Guinea’s natural resources while continuing to exploit the land and its people.

Environmental degradation and climate change impacting Papua New Guinea’s islands which will soon force indigenous people to move from one island to another seeking safer ground.

There's lots to pray about and as my roots are British and I'm Canadian I recognise the problems history has shown when one culture is held subservient to another, this is a good reminder of not just politics but how we treat all those we come in contact with especially in our individualistic North American mindset. Here is another Canadian link: the little girl in the photo was born in Papua New Guinea and was there until she was three.

She served in the Canadian Forces and was killed in Afghanistan in 2006. Captain Nichola Goddard was honoured by her family through raising money to provide solar powered lighting to health centres ( a project of the University of Calgary).

So we are all interconnected though people seem so far away and so different from our own culture.

Here are some other photos that just show how beautiful the land and the people are:

This boy is surfing on a surfboard donated to him. Surfing is popular and usually they use their own form of boards - not the fancy fabricated ones we buy.

As for the photos, I only try to grab photos that are on sites that are using the photos for public interest or to sell things (newspapers, tourism, Oxfam). I don't like using other people's work but in these cases I am trying to honour the artists by showcasing the moments they have captured and used in wide distribution.

You've Been Left Behind

I'm not up on my end times theology so for those non-Christians out there I will explain this rather badly. Some believe that at the end of the world the believers will be taken up into heaven while the earth continues to live on for 1000 years. Thus you have probably heard of the "Left Behind" series of books that talks about the end times. For those left behind, life ain't too good.

I'm pretty cynical so I'm still a bit unsure if I believe this but there is a website called You've Been Left Behind. For 40 dollars a year I can have emails ready to send at the end times for my loved ones who have not become Christian. The email will come into your box alerting you to the fact that I have beens swept up into Christ's presence and that it is not too late for you to come to know him.

Now here is how it works. There are staff who must sign into their computer program everyday - at least three. They are located across the country (States). If there are not three signed in over a period of three days then the program launches giving another three day window before the emails are automatically sent out.

Interesting. Now guys, do me a favour and save me 40 bucks a year. If I should disappear, along with many of your friends assume the best - the end times have come. I don't particularly believe in this understanding of the end times, there are lots of different interpretations, so don't wait for me to disappear to ask questions about being Christian. I'm not sure I believe in this second chance business - so don't wait - get your questions in now. Not only will I save 40 bucks but we could have a blast hanging out as Christians!

Boasting

So after my boasting about how well my preaching went, don't we have a sermon about how we shouldn't boast. I've been processing that for a few weeks now because I have noticed that our church very down on compliments. I have received a few compliments which started out nice but ended with "but you are not perfect". I finally called this person on it because I would rather not get any compliment - I never remember anything nice that is said to me if it is followed up with a "but". To me the "but" is the real intended message. That's my sensitivity showing through. If you think about examples from life the "but" message is usually there for a reason. So it seems as thought there is a distaste for giving a compliment lest it makes us as humans think we can do anything good apart from God. The theologians out there probably note that this is an extreme reaction to Calvinism - that man can do not good on his own apart from God.

So after feeling very upset and down about the boasting I thought about the role of motivation. I don't get excited about preaching because of what I can or can not do. I do get excited about preaching because I believe it proclaims what God has to say to us. I am pleased that I communicated the text technically well - because if I don't communicate well then the Holy Spirit has to do a lot more work and I have to question whether I am in the right field. Anyhow, I have been thinking about this and feeling torn about it. It seems that if I do poorly then its my fault and if I do well, then its God's doing. I have been doing a lot of reading about Calvinism lately in order to ensure that my sermons for W are above reproach theologically. I think we can over apply the principles so that we become very neurotic, solemn people.

Community Ministry

One of the Councillors in Willowdale called a meeting of some of the local churches to discuss networking together on a project.

He stated that many churches had approached him asking how churches could assist the community. His suggestion - we host a Ten Thousand Villages sale in a local school. The items are handcrafted items made of natural materials from overseas - the profits go back to the artisans.

As I watched churches get excited about "the spirit of the sale" and the "chance to work togehter" I got really frustrated and sad that this was project got so much support. First it requires 6 months of planning with one coordinator and about 4 leaders. Because the thought is that it would take place over a weekend I'm figuring that about 100 volunteers are needed. I keep asking myself two questions:

1) how does this benefit our neighbours
2) how does this foster a good first experience for a church network

The Councillor was clear that the sale will take place with other volunteers he has on board if the churches don't want to do it but he thought this would be a great first effort. What I don't understand is why the churches are willing to give over our expertise to a politician. The event will be held in a school, there will be volunteers other than churches. It also came out in passing that this event could go Friday - Sunday.

It looks as though there is a long way to go to get churches to think missionally and outside the box. What if all of those volunteer hours were put into community groups who have projects that they need help with?

I don't blame the Councillor - he has a vision that would help him and sees a large group of volunteers. But why the heck aren't we raising funds for a playground, installing basket ball hoops or cleaning our neighbourhoods?

I do suggest however that the Councillor would not want this headline: "Local Councillor Indicates Greatest Need in Community is for an Artisans' Sale". C'mon. Things can't be all that great!

Is This Funny?

We were talking about the church library and how it had been moved up the stairs into a small room. I responded with "Yeah, but it's a bugger to take the books out of disability". Now, I think this is hilarious - but is it funny in a Christian sense? The Bible talks about using wisdom in speaking - is this wise or foolish? I think its funny to put a library that is for the whole congregation up a set of stairs. I'm not saying that there is a better place for it, but it strikes me as funny. And there aren't really books on disabilities in the library so its not really truthful for me to make the joke either.

I am going to be one very nice and very mellow person if I have to lose all of this humour. Have you read Family Circus? Very Christian, very not-funny.

Its All Vanity

Okay, I think I may have had a major breakthrough. I have been aware of my critical nature for some time but never felt I could get a handle on it. But I think I am at a point where I can commit to at least not express it. I realise that my need to tell people my pet peeves is a form of vanity - as if no one else in the room could possibly be as smart as me to see the same thing I see. I guess others don't care or don't feel the need to speak up. Really, is there a need to point out the obvious? And if it isn't obvious its just mean spirited because there are much nicer ways of saying "that's stupid". Yeah, I know, I have some way to go.

Now I am not going to be able to do this overnight but I think I can make many attempts at it. And it will always be a guilty pleasure I am afraid because I so much like the irony of some of the things that happen in life - like not praying during the planning for the WDoP event. I mean, that's sad but funny too.

I am studying a passage in Ephesians and it talks about not being silly and to not use empty words. I am going to be struggling with this because I haven't been able to find enough research yet on what "silly" means. Is all humour out of bounds? Surely laughing is a God created response, and must be good.



If I can get a handle on my critical nature it will make me a nicer person. Its a pretty tall order but I'll see what I can do.

When To Speak Up

I went to this thing tonight at the church - it was supposed to be a place to learn about Judaism in light of the fact that we have many Jews living in our neighbourhood.

It was presented by someone who did not have first hand knowledge about Judaism but had been selected because of his role in the denomination to be a presenter.

The teaching process was that rather than tell us about Judaism we were to reflect in groups what we already knew about Judaism. The questions were:

practices and observations
similarities and differences between Judaism and Christianity
what is important to Jewish people

Rather then be taught these things we reflected on them in a group setting. I thought I knew very little about Judaism so was interested in learning - instead I received a hodge podge of individual thoughts - some of them very negative and many of them totally out of context.

I heard so many disrespectful things at my table that I could not remain silent - yet that seems to be the preferred response. Stay silent, be gracious. This frustrates me I have been criticized before for being too vocal so I'm trying to be quiet.

I wasn't raised this way - I was raised to challenge ignorance, not to condemn the speaker but to challenge the thinking. I was raised that to let people speak poorly of another group without facts or in context is racism and that it can not go unchallenged.

That the church would choose to let people say whatever they think about Judaism rather than teach us about Judaism is a strange choice. Can there be anything less useful then a bunch of Christians sitting around talking about something we know nothing about? And this isn't the first time - I sat through a session where the parishioner chosen to speak on an issue told us we needed to be very cautious because the Muslims are "infiltrating" Canada - that they are coming here to take over our beliefs (Christian) and to make Canada Muslim. I was angry at this - I have worked with Muslims who have been so grateful to come to Canada and they never pushed their beliefs on me but always took the time to explain their practices if asked.

So now I am torn, I really think that the discussion was unfit for outsiders to hear - I would have been very embarassed if a non-Christian or Jew was sitting in our discussion because we really came off showing our ignorance without learning from it. But when I say things I get the "look". We are taking another stab at Islam next week - I don't know whether to avoid it or go.