Hurry up and wait.

I think I'm in the Hurry Up and Wait stage of my journey - again. After being overloaded with too much work, I now have very little to do at the church. In fact they are having an introduction to missional churches being hosted by Home Missions which given the events before January I would have expected to be helping out with. I was supposed to be sitting on that committte and though I have been told by those with inside knowledge that my name was forwarded and approved I have not heard anything more. Not to mention my whole degree at school is focused on missional thinking. I have more background then the presenter just from the fact of living it for a year and a half in my studies.

Instead, I was specifically notified to come and yet I can't say my heart is in it. Without a pastor and being in the middle of the pastoral search this seems a strange time to introduce new ideas to the church. I think we need a breather to figure out who we are before we decide where we want to go.

My own covenant with the church is pretty much gone. After the fiasco of handling my proposal for a sermon which was not considered "acceptable" I have withdrawn from preaching. Even if the sermon outline was as bad as that there is a way of handling these disputes and this was not handled properly whether a fellow parishioner or in this case an ordained elder. I have been urged to take it formally to Council but have felt the way the winds are blowing and can see that this is a big blow up waiting for a venue.

Anyhow, as a student I seek a mentor. Someone who will guide me and give me more perspective but not cut me down at the knees with little help to get back up. This is not the place and I suspect not the right city. I have contacted the rep once again who is supposed to guide me in all things Calvin and have gotten no response.

I'm so well aware that there is a much easier path - one of the churches that his highly recommended by the Baptists as being missional is looking for an associate pastor - one of the roles is to provide pastoral care to the elderly and women. The elderly is by best area of pastoral care - no mention of teens which are completely out of my league. I'm not sure that I would apply for this position but could put forward my name as an intern willing to pick up the extra that this new position can't handle and perhaps they would be happy to have a student with some background.

It seems easy doesn't it? Here's a church that has been in the back of my mind ready to expand its staff and yet I'm leary. I'm not convinced that I'm done with this annoying denomination yet. The fact that it annoys me so much keeps me feeling like I'm here because I see the promise of the people that our theology and sense of "right" keeps us from releasing.

This refusal to go the easier route drives my friends crazy who see my stubborness as some form of selfpunishment - I understand that but this isn't like other jobs.

So, I'm in between again. I have missed more church since December then I ever have in my life. Cliff is ready to go somewhere else and I am just trying to figure out what to do next. I don't want to push ahead where I need to be patient and yet don't want to sit still - especially if I am not feeling the same way about my church. The problem with church is that I normally believe that you stick it out wherever you are because that is your community. But professionally, I don't know what more I can learn here expect more patience. Somehow I have to force my butt into the pew!