Tipping or Hold Your Tongue

We went to a doughnut shop with my mother. There was a tip jar on the counter and I reflected on how much I dislike seeing tip jars in doughnut shops. First of all the establishment should charge enough to pay the employee for the job. Secondly, a tip on a doughnut and a coffee just seems crazy - its not a restaurant.

When my mother joins us at the table she tells us that the server held the jar out towards her. I clarified again and again - are you sure she was hinting that she wanted a tip? Maybe she was just moving it or accidentally banged against it. My mother insisted that she waved the jar at her - and my mother ended up putting 50c in the jar.

I fumed about this. But I have come a long way and realised that this is not my issue - I would love to say something to the clerk but this was something my mother should have addressed if it bothered her.

About 15 minutes later and after a few other conversations about other matters, my mother suddenly pipes up and says "she might have thought that I couldn't see the tip jar because I had the tip in my hand and was just getting ready to put it in the jar.". Uh, yeah. That's a minor detail. Once again I learn patience, grace and to stop expecting the worse from people!

Turning Point or Just Another Day?

I have an interesting meeting tonight. Dinner with a member (and the most sympathetic I believe) of the denominational body that oversees the guidance of students going to seminary.

Interesting because I have not heard from this body since relaying that Council would not recommend me to seminary without first putting me into an accountability group due to "unChrist like behaviour". Since I was already in a group - with a member of Council sitting on it for a year, it should have been embarassing that I still was deemed to need this help and that Council was unaware that it already existed.

So, I'm curious about what this person has to say on behalf of classis. And I have been careful not to think too much about what I will say. Perhaps silence is the best and to only answer questions put directly to me.

Part of me wonders if this is a turning point - the denomination and church that I gave all of my hopes and time to will now see what they have led me to or if this is just another day in a life. Part of me is vain to wish that they would like to keep me. I have had people since the change over of council note that the denomination would do well to keep me. Sadly I am vain enough to suspect that the denomination could do with far more people like me. This might be because I tenaciously believe that the church has a good approach to understanding our relationship with God through Christ and that what they teach is solid. But what they do! Time and time again they deny the grace we are to extend to others and exact a pound of flesh. Its as if we don't believe anyone truly deserves the Gospel - which is right theologically but kills the Good News that we don't deserve grace but are given it in spite of ourselves.

So as I wait to see what my current relationship with the decidedly pentecostal church will be and journey with the staid Presbyterian group, I have a meeting with this past love.

My favourite part in Pride and Prejudice where Darby declares his love for Elizabeth by noting that despite her low connections and his superior breeding that he can't resist loving her. He is shocked when she turns down this rich offer of marriage as being beneath her own appreciation of herself. I try not to get too interested in what will be said this afternoon, but can't totally eradicate my own sense of justice not too feel a little hopeful that I for once will be the one turning down the offer for a connection with this denomination.

In the end it really doesn't matter. The question comes to can I live in a church where the elders are in full control of the church regardless of their own maturity in Christ? I have a hard time looking the other way and I can't imagine allowing the type of behaviour I witnessed to go unchecked. I can barely do so as a parishioner.

So I go, wise enough to know that I should not have any preconceived wishes or ideas of what the meeting will be like but too sinful not to be totally innocent in wanting some form of justice or recognition for what has been lost.

Not Ready to Minister?

Interesting meeting.

What do you do if you feel you have been called to ministry and have followed the call for years only to be told that your church won't recommend you for seminary? The funny thing is I'm already in seminary! They won't recommend me to finish a program within the CRC - well they will but only with reservations. I have to join with some people who will work with me for a year.

See, I'm moody and not always cheerful or whatever it is a pastor is supposed to be.

The funny thing is that the ones suggesting that I need to journey with people for accountability don't already know that I have been doing this for a year.

So obviously, I'm a lost cause. I don't have the right goods to enter seminary. Calvin has high standards is what I'm told.

Here's the funniest part. I am obviously disturbed as I was about to seek a job as an associate pastor somewhere. I stated that this is a huge issue and I don't know what I am going to do about looking for work. I HAD TO EXPLAIN WHY HOW THE LACK OF APPROVAL FOR SEMINARY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME GETTING A JOB!

I don't feel good about going out and getting a job in pastoral ministry when I am obviously not seen as suited for seminary (without reservations that is).

I'm in trouble anyhow. I told one of the people in the meeting that he was being a bully and defensive. He was upset about something and kept slamming his hand on the table which I found very intimidating and then it just pissed me off. He suggested that I'm the bully! Huh? ("I know you are but what am I"?).

So pray for me - for clarity. I want to honour God in what I do. The thing is whether in ministry or any other job I have the same personality. Its not like its okay to be "unChrist-like" in other settings. So what do I do - get a lobotomy? Work the night shift at the morgue? Help me out with your prayers because I'm just not sure anymore and I can't make any decisions right away.

Take my rant with humour - I'm really hurting!

Um, dangers of self examination.

Sometimes a picture just says too much. I was looking for a picture to depict self examination and had no idea that you could mail order your own kit with mirror, flashlight and speculum to observe the status of your own insides.

The dangers of self examination is a topic that has been on my mind lately. And the discomforting picture really expresses how I am feeling about the whole thing. Sometimes I don't want to look at myself and having someone else do it under a bright light isn't necessarily and more comfortable.

I have been given lots of advice lately and having gone through a stage where I assume that everything I perceive is narrow and self serving have often taken advice that didn't feel right with assumption that its just like taking a shot of Buckley's. However, I'm more balanced now and am starting to see that not every impulse I have is wrong and that there is a lot of self serving advice going on out there. Not that it isn't good advice, its just not good for me in my own context. Somehow there is a boundary between advice that is good for you because it reveals a blind spot and advice that is not good for you because it is a product of the other person's blind spot. Knowing the difference is the issue.

I'm also learning to be slow with advice and ask lots of questions to lead people to figure out what works for them.

So, I have come to terms with advice. I can take it or leave it. I know that a three year journey to arrive at this determination isn't much bang for the buck. But I think that its going to let me sleep a lot better at night.

Going to Calvin

After a long time of discounting Calvin Seminary, I met with someone to discuss what I would need to do to attend Calvin for 12 weeks after my M. Div. to seek ordination in the CRC.

I can't say why I have changed my mind. I have often thought about it and found many reasons to reject the idea. Most of it has to do with my journey with the CRC which I can't say has been very nuturing.

But it crossed my mind to at least consider it and let someone in the denomination know. And then in a prayer meeting with EK some things were talked about and when I left and again the next morning I knew I had to take the idea more seriously.

I'm not sure what it was exactly. We discussed the influence MB has had on individuals and our church. And I considered what that meant. The church is further ahead then it once was but it is not unified, there are still major problems with discipline and spiritual maturity and yet I can't discount the work that has been done.

Its been hard. Not getting a pastor I admire to be a reference for me for Seminary was a real blow. And maybe that became the point. Always seeking assurance from others has been a necessity of mine. Not getting it from those I value the most has been really hard to take. But I went to seminary anyways, into a program that rejects far more than it accepts. Even after I told them a pastor refused to give me a reference because he felt it would be damaging to my acceptance. That should be enough.

And I think that is the key. People will think poorly of the best of pastors because good pastor afflict the comfortable. I realised that the high standards that we set for our pastors was immobilizing me and not getting the reference had really discouraged me altogether. No matter how much encouragement I get from that source I will always regret the lack of confidence in my ability.

But good people can make mistakes, even in assessing other people's readiness for ministry. Gee, maybe I can allow myself to make a mistake!

So when I think about a denomination that I love sitting with so many empty pulpits and I wonder who will fill them it becomes obvious that I need to ask myself why I refuse to consider it. Most of the reasons I rejected Calvin have been removed - the biggest thing I have now is fear. Fear of not making the cut, of being told I'm not good enough. Which is the same battle I have had for the past years as I discerned my path in ministry. I reacted to all of that criticism by going for counselling and those close to me, really close to me say that I have become a different person - less critical, less reactionary and more gracious. I still have room to grow, no doubt. In some ways I am very sad, as I wonder if I would have gotten to this point if we weren't sitting with an empty pulpit. I am sad that people I love are leaving!

Anyhow, I will have to figure everything out and actually do the real stuff like let Calvin know that I will be applying and get all my transcripts in order. And figure out the year that I will take Hebrew. And catch up my Greek. And ensure that I know each book of the bible, themes, writers, time periods and so on. I have to pull up my socks academically. In the end I have no idea if I want to be a full time pastor in the CRC - it seems so hard, but I have to take this first step in faith. God will block the door if I am totally out to lunch!

Grace - I don't have enough

Imagine taking someone you really have a hard time spending time with and bringing them to your place of peace. That's what's going on in my life right now!

I have elected to bring someone I know to church who I just don't get along with. I try to, and I do pray about it - but not enough. This person says a lot of careless things in public and if you try to set the record straight you end up going down a very convoluted garden path. At the end I am usually more frustrated then when I started and still nothing is acknowleged.

Today for instance. After asking this person many times if they wanted to go to church with us and being given reasons for not going she tells people today that she is so happy to be back and has missed coming for a long time. Since she can't get to church without us, this ends up sounding like we have been keeping her from coming. Later she tells one of the pastoral workers that she had a beautiful cross that she got years ago which she no longer has and that she has wanted a new cross for soooo long. The person winked at me and said that maybe for a birthday or Christmas a little bird will whisper this to someone. Okay, how about for the last 20 birthdays and Christmases and Mother's Days. I have never heard her wish for a cross, ever. Then she indicates how she has asked her daughter to take her to Chinatown but she can "ask and ask" but she still doesn't get to go. Chinatown? Since when? Apparently she wants to go to Chinatown to get the cross. I still have not determined why Chinatown and could see that I wasn't going to find out why. Maybe she wants a jade one. Anyhow, I suggested over lunch that perhaps Chinatown would not be that fun of a trip for her as there is no parking and getting around the street and in the tightly packed stores might be difficult with a walker. She has a hard time negotiating getting to and from the bathroom in the restaurant so I can't imagine us joslting around in the crowd. We offered to drive through Chinatown to see if she would like to try it out some time but she didn't want to bother.

So, it is impossible to meet her needs because she never tells you what she needs. I end up getting helpful advice from parishioners who think after talking to her that we need a little push to bring her to church or to take her to get groceries.

My husband has learned to ignore all of this. I still haven't learned how to and I noticed today he lost his cool before I did. As she is waiting for us in the car to get her walker out of the back seat she lit up a cigarette. I stared in disbelief. We have told her in no uncertain terms that we can not stand the smell of cigarette smoke. For the first time in a long time I couldn't think of what to say I was so dumbfounded. My husband told her that this was unacceptable and she claimed that since her legs are partway out of the car that she considered herself to be out of the car.

I'm at a loss. I can try to ignore her behaviour but am having a hard time doing this. It took 5 tries for the waiter to take her meal order because she couldn't decide. She wanted something with fries. We suggested about 10 options - she didn't want the fish and chips because it isn't made with shark like it is in Australia. I suggested to her that she has had fish and chips plenty of times in Canada since moving here and the lack of shark was never an issue at that time. See, I should not say anything. My husband blanks out during these conversations. But I am stubborn and want to have a relationship other than blanking out and ignoring. So I need to learn a lot of grace. I think this is probably the hardest person for me to get along with (it didn't help that her attitude towards me sucked when we first got engaged) and she isn't going to change. So I have to learn to stop caring what other people think of us when they talk to her. If she wants to tell the care worker that we are too busy to take her shopping then I just have to let it go. Somehow. Or figure out why she does that.