Apostles Creed - By Ceiling Cat

Modern English Version


I believe in God, the Father almighty,

creator of heaven and earth.



I believe in Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord,

who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,

born of the Virgin Mary,

suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, died, and was buried;

he descended to the dead.

On the third day he rose again;

he ascended into heaven,

he is seated at the right hand of the Father,

and he will come again to judge the living and the dead.



I believe in the Holy Spirit,

the holy catholic church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and the life everlasting. AMEN.



Ceiling Cat Creed


We blieves in one big kitteh, Ceiling Cat,

who maded teh urfs an teh skiez

an all teh cheezburgers an teh invizibul bicycles an stuff.


We blieves in one happycat, Jeebus,

onliest son ov Ceiling Cat,

bornded beefor all teh cheezburgers an stuffs,

He gots some Ceiling Cat in him, srsly, k?

He helpded Ceiling Cat makes all teh cheezburgers an stuffs.

"Fer all teh kittehs he comez down frum teh ceiling

an beez a kitteh thru da Force an teh virjn Hello Kitty! wit no hankie pankies,

an was reely a kitteh, srsly.

He got teh crucify fer us kittehs by Pilate;

An gots todally pwned and faceplanted.

An caem bak to lief on teh thrd dai liek it wuz fortolded in teh Bible

An went bak up to teh Ceiling, an tuk a nappy in teh sunbeam nex to Ceiling Cat.

He will come bak daon frum teh Ceiling, to be teh judge ov teh live kittehs an teh dead kittehs.

An hiz kitteh kingdum bees furevr.


We blieves in Hovercat, teh giber ov life,

who comes frum Ceiling Cat [an maybe Jeebus],  (Ha ! filoque controversy! - Vic)

who we lurves jus like Ceiling Cat an Happycat,

an who tellz teh profits whut to sai.

We blieves in teh itteh bitteh kitteh committeh.

We DO NOT WANT baffs, but will hav wun fur furgivness.

We spektin to caem bak to life after we faceplant,

an lives furever in teh Ceiling.

My Mother is Getting Old

Okay, I`ve noticed this for awhile but the other day took the cake.  My mother has some very definite opinons on things that are being fed from other people her age.  Not working has the disadvantage of limiting your exposure to different age groups.

When she left the room my brother commented that she is getting old.  He then related the following story:

Mom:  What does ``WTF`` mean

Bro:     ``What the hell.``

Mom:  Wouldn`t that be ``WTH``

Bro:  Yes, but its an F.  Think  ``what the F``

Mom:  But why do people even say it

Sorry - I can`t find how to use the question mark - on my notebook.  Anyhow, I guess she still hasn`t really figured out the context for this acronymn!

Polar Bear Rocks!

I found a local radio station.  Very local.  The music is a bit eclectic - old time country, new country, light rock.  I laughed all morning at the song they played - look at the lyrics:

Constellations – Felicia Lyrics


With her cigarette lips and soldier tits
yeah, they stand at attention with her hands on her hips…
shes got a crocodile smile and switchblade style
yeah, she’ll stab you in the back with her fingernail file..
stays cool as you come so uncomfortably numb
as you drop to the floor with the flick of her tongue..
shes got her hand on the wheel and one on the stick
yeah she’ll put you in gear with the twitch of her neck…
oh Felicia babe i think i really really need ya
So sexy when you’re working on your knees girl......

Now it is actually a very catchy tune - but I'm not convinced that the person who picked it intended it for the morning show.  Especially since the other tunes were early country - we're talking low production values.  This tune was followed by a very old version, probably original of  "Please Release Me, Let Me Go"   I later saw the irony in that and laughed harder.   I believe in  "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." 
 
The other song was "Put My Little Shoes Away" by Hank Snow - lovely tune about a dying child.  I didn't even stay to drink my coffee in Tim Hortons - grabbed my coffee and went down to the lake to listen.  I also love the local advertising.  Hey you can listen to it online:  http://www.cpbrfm.com/
 

Small Town Secrets

Everyone wants to know if I am visiting the star attraction when I get to my country home. The polar bears. Everyone has heard about the great polar bears and the exhibit in which you can swim with the polar bears!

I knew that I would have no problems adjusting my natural sense of humour for my roommate when we discussed this local attraction.

As she said: "If you want to go visit an old polar bear with no teeth its great. He's so old they have to prop his mouth open and use a pole to shove the watermelon in".

I have no idea if anyone else in town is selling out this secret. The town is filled with little polar bear souvenirs - statues, t-shirts erasers. She is also from away so perhaps that is why she feel free to share the secret of the money making decrepit polar bear.

I have also been warned that every town in the area claims Tim Horton as their son. Thankfully I was not too excited about the link so I'm not disappointed.

In 8 weeks time I expect I will know many secrets that can't be repeated here! I just hope that a few of them are as funny as the polar bear!

No! No! Not Magic!

You may know that I have a thing about clowns. Can't stand them and frankly I'm a little afraid of them. Mimes too. Add to the list magic. Can't stand magic shows. Mostly because I know its fake so what's the point? Not only is it fake it is something that is learned - the best magic is a new trick that no one has ever thought of and then once its been performed its old news. I also can't stand the gets up and the theatrics. Doug Henning - say no more.

So while perusing Ship of Fools website I was startled to see a "magic" bible that produces fire when you open it. I traced it to a magic site that has all kinds of Gospel magic for witnessing. Silk scarves, rope tricks - books on how to tell the Gospel with any items the audience has on hand. Yuck. My favourite - 3 card monte -with 2 cards with Christ's face and one of a 100 dollar bill - the trick is to choose money but of course the value is in choosing Christ. Yuck!

Whether it is my healthy secular glasses or my postmodern mind I can't help but think how very wrong it is to use tricks to sell Jesus. There is already a suspiscion that witnessing is a trick to take money or common sense away from non-Christians so why mix the two? I feel a rant coming on...sort of like my feeling about fake greenery and flowers near the pulpit....

A little Saturday drive....

When my church announced that it was time to plan for our yearly picnic I was excited - finally we are going to get out into the community we were envisioned to serve. I wondered how we would do this given our tight budget and was already thinking of cheap ways of making the day extra fun. People were going to get back about where exactly this picnic would take place. I pictured this:



I imagined that we might be a fun crowd that made others in the park feel welcome to join us and the kids in soccer and hot dogs.

The first suggestion for a place came the next week. Darrien Lake. I had to think about this - I know about the one in the States but is there a little lake in Toronto? Apparently not as it was discussed that going to the States would be hard for people without passports. Passports?! For a picnic? Then it was discussed that we would go to Marineland. Prices are from 32 for youngsters and 39 for teens and adults (minus 5 bucks each for group rate). How we are going to get there I'm not sure. Who is paying I'm not sure - especially since the church was originally understood to be affiliated with a low income neighbourhood. Are we inviting people from the neighbourhood? I'm not sure. I have a thousand questions!

Christ is Dead!

A rather shocking title don't you think. In some traditions Christians on Easter Sunday will greet each other with "Christ is risen!!" with the response "He has risen indeed!". It makes sense that the first thing you would say to another is this amazing fact - how could anything else come into your mind?

But on Good Friday we recognize Christ's death but we don't shout about it. But maybe we should. If Christ didn't die then he didn't arise - and if he didn't rise from the dead then we are in a lot of hot water. God would be pretty angry with us for following Jesus if in fact he wasn't the Messiah. And considering what we have done in Christ's name - which is shameful enough - we would truly be cursed.

I couldn't stand it when people on the bus or the subway would sit next to me and say "Jesus loves you". I wonder how I would have felt if people on the Saturday after Good Friday sat down and said "Christ is dead" with a big grin on their face. That's the thing. I would be just as uncomfortable with that statement! Its not that non-Christians have a problem with "Jesus loves you" so much as they have a problem with anyone coming and pushing their viewpoint on them while travelling somewhere. It's like "Do you have life insurance?", "Abortion kills" or "Do you have the time?". The last one is directed at Torontonians - the first reaction is wide eyed fear until they hear that all they are being asked to do is look at their watch!

Which reminds me. After moving here my brother and I were walking with my father down Yonge Street near Dundas. This women walks out of a doorway and asks by brother for the time. He stops to answer and my father grabs him and says "He's only fifteen!". He was laughing as he told us that she didn't want the time but his time! I'm still not convinced she was a hooker. My brother is good looking but he didn't have the look of having a dime!

Craigslist Gold - Gun and Skeleton Costume

I appreciate that creating a film takes a lot of props - but its hard to imagine how "good" this film is going to be considering they are looking for a skeleton costume - and fake tombstones. This ain't Avatar....

*INDIE FILM NEEDS PROPS!* (Toronto)

---

Date: 2010-01-19, 11:07PM EST
Reply to: comm-ut7f5-1561251541@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

We are starting our production on our independent film in the upcoming month but are lacking some essential props.
If you have any of the following and wouldn't mind lending or offering them for rental at a cheap price (as our budget is very limited) we would very much appreciate it.
We are currently needing:

Revolver (classic style)
Skeleton Costume
Anything that would be suitable for a cemetery scene (faux tombstones)

We are also looking for a studio space for some shooting as one of our characters (a painter) is going to be shot painting a canvas in this space. If you have an available space or know someone that may please send us an email.
This is a great film and we would very much appreciate all the support we can get!

Riden

• Location: Toronto
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1561251541

"Why do people want tinted car stereos?"

In response to a sign advertising - Tinting Car Stereos, my mother pondered who would have a use for this. I waited hoping that it was a joke along the lines that C likes to tell. Sadly, it wasn't. We had to explain that the tinting was for car windows and the installation of car stereos is a whole other offer...aging is a frightful thing.

Jealousy of the witty...

I love to make people laugh. So I am very jealous of Badbanana who twitters more clever things in a week then I will likely think up in a year. Here are some of badbanana's thoughts:

January 11 - Just finished up an interesting water cooler conversation. That guy sure knew a lot about water coolers.

January 14 - Scientists today set the Doomsday Clock back one minute. They also introduced the new iPod dock feature, which is nice.

and sadly this one from yesterday which I didn't "get" at first....


Talking dogs today have no manners. Just "kill that guy," or "kill those people," without a single please or thank you.

Have you ever noticed....?

Have you ever noticed that there are times when you throw something away that you have hung onto that you end up having a good use for it later.


First day of class in advanced preaching is notice that we will discuss how to evaluate sermons and to be gracious in doing so. Its a new prof that I know fairly well so I know he would have appreciated an example. I had an email that turned down a written sermon that sounded like it came from an irritated, overworked editor rather than a gracious, mentoring elder. But alas it is "gone" where ever deleted emails go.

When I worked for a living I had an email folder called CMB. "Cover My Butt". Through moves and title changes I kept certain emails that I feared I might need one day to explain bizarre decisions that you hope will never come to light. I still felt a slight twinge of anxiety when I deleted all those emails during my last days!!

Computers have not lightened the load, mentally I'm weighed down by words tossed at me. At least in a conversation there is the hint that things are about to get rough - there is nothing like opening a harsh email late at night - all you can do is stew about it.

What if I got the courage to delete emails as soon as they were read - put the info down on my day timer and let everything else disappear?! That sounds like a level of grace and trust I just don't have!!

Skype - Cripes I'm Old....

A friend asked me if I skype. Not only do I not Skype I know extremely little about it. I can barely function in today's technological world. We are busy looking it up on the Internet to see how it works - see how old I am, I still spell Internet with a capital "I".

However, as old as I feel I am younger than my mother who told me how she used a phone book and looked up a few places and called to see where she could get her licence renewed. She has Internet. My brother and I figured it took her longer to look up the number in the book then to get all the info she needed on line...I can't imagine relying on someone to pick up a phone somewhere to answer a question. I don't think I even trust the people who pick up the phone to know the answer!

The Underwear Bomber

The Underwear Bomber 0r Underpants Bomber. This is hardly the claim to fame he was looking for! Sounds like a toddler with toilet training issues. Or a fetish involving underwear and cherry bombs. I think this is a new way to punish "alledged" criminals - we give them embarassing names based on making fun of them. Shame is a huge factor in many cultures - Westerners have far too little of a sense of shame. Like when I get cut off in traffic and they give me the finger for their error.

After awhile we might get bored trying to come up with funny embarassing names. Give the job to 6 - 8 year olds. They have a fascination with making up phrases involving body parts or gross images.

Moving...

We were supposed to be moving the stuff out of our cottage tomorrow but could not get a truck until next week.

Is there anything as annoying about moving then trying to get a truck at the end of the month?

Which reminds me of a story...

When we had bought our house we needed to pick a day when we moved our big stuff so I could take time off and so on. Well the day came and I stewed as it got closer to noon and C still hadn't shown up with the truck (what a waste of a day off).

He was infuriated when he got home - not with a truck but with a van. He was lucky to get a van. The truck we had booked was cancelled by our sister-in-law. She had been splitting up with her husband so we figured it was some kind of nasty vendetta on the family. Turns out that due to the split she had booked a truck. Then she found a truck somewhere else and cancelled it. When the company saw our name with a truck booked for a different date they cancelled it in error. Needless to say the move was longer than it should have been as we had to make multiple trips!

The best people to move are non-family. As a volunteer you have no vested interest in what is going on. You know that you are free to leave. Its also somewhat amusing to watch other people freak out and get frustrated. Its like the difference between hanging wall paper with your spouse or doing it for someone else.

No Christmas Presents This Year

1. "Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

This is a quote from one of my favourite sites "Shit My Dad Says". Its the viewpoints of a 73 year old man as quoted by his live in son using Twitter. To clarify he has a grandchild still in diapers (I had to think about that for a minute).

This guy has a lot of wisdom. Like he doesn't need anymore friends - he has enough and all friends ever ask from you is to help them move!! I never noticed this tendency before. With the exception of my brother helping me move on one of my two moves I have never had friends help. Yet we do seem to help others.

Anyhow, my point actually was that I am on a no buying thing this year. Yeah, being on EI is a motive as well but in reality I don't need more stuff except time with friends. However, my mother is like a child so much effort goes into buy things for her. She also likes "lots of small things so there is more to open". I want to puke. My brother hates Christmas having been a drone in retail for many years. When you need to purchase the Christmas order in late Spring and start setting up the merchandising in October you do tend to be sick of the holiday by the 25th. Then there is the nightmare of the Boxing Day crap the day right after.

So no gifts this idea is working quite well. Except I did pickup one - a book by Garrison Keillor. I ordered it on line and told my husband its from him!

Ben Hur Cologne

I just saw an ad for Ben Hur cologne - apparently it is supposed to bring back memories of a rose garden. I guess it used to be quite the product - all I can think of is sweaty men at the oars! I guess it is a generation gap thing.

Halloween Pumpkin

Here it is a picture of a Halloween pumpkin that I did up (with some help from C) for the neighbourhood pumpkin festival. I can't take credit for the photo - a Sun photographer took it. Brilliant how he took it from the angle so that the cross was outlined in the sky.

Work is proceeding - luckily there is a neighbourhood association that I have gotten in contact with - hope to join forces with them to get out into the neighbourhood. My last church didn't have such a thing so it was part of my effort to start at the grass roots level. I didn't get very far!

Turning 40.

My brother is turning 40 tomorrow. Being unemployed over a year is not the way to ring in the 40th and we are both sensitive to the whole age issue. So I have been struggling to find gifts that recognize the big 4-0 and yet won't make him more depressed. I came across this helpful suggestion on a website:

Truly touching 40th birthday gift ideas take the sensitive and subtle approach of affirming a loved-one's value. The inevitable aging process can have a negative effect on self-esteem and general worth, particularly when decades pass in whole. Exclusion from youth-oriented culture often has a devastating impact, leading many to question their future and the nature of their place in society. Gifts that invest in a recipient's personal development send the message that they are still vital and worthy.

I'm more depressed then when I started. I'm hoping that this was originally written as copy for someone turning 70 - surely I'm not really as decrepit as this sounds!

BTW - as far as youth culture goes I get enough of it at Tyndale with the undergrad students. Obviously I'm old and cranky because I find them irritating! My friend picked me up from class and noted that she gave me a lot of credit! They are just so full of giggles and starry eyed optimism. I don't think I was ever optimistic :)

Tornadoes in Toronto

Okay, this is stupid. We leave this meeting and as we get in the car and driving down Yonge Street the local news station - 680 - reports that there is a funnel cloud sighted at the foot of Jarvis Street. I can see by the green sky to the East and the black sky to the South that this is one nasty storm. I'm a little panicky. C isn't - he figures we should just keep on heading to a coffee shop for a coffee figuring that if its our time its our time. I suggest that heading South on Yonge is really stupid and the least we could do is drive East. Meanwhile they are announcing all kinds of safety warnings - some of which are incredibly innane. Like cars were built to protect you in accidents so stay in your car. I'm not sure how many car companies test their cars in a tornado wind tunnel and can guarantee that my car will fly me to safety.

Anyhow, the panic is there and then the announcer says this really stupid thing. He tells us that a funnel cloud is a tornado that is forming and has not touched landed. A tornado actually touches the land. I'm grateful for this explanation but he has more to say. He asks the callers to please be careful in calling in whether its a tornado or a funnel cloud that they are reporting!

Ahh, yeah, I"ll be sure to note that as I'm kissing my ass goodbye - lucky if I call in at all, don't be picky on the vernacular I use. Note the picture above - a woman is clearly documenting the event so they can determine whether it was just a funnel cloud or a tornado that whipped the camera out of her hand.

We must have just missed the storm by a block because when we got to Bayview there were some trees knocked over including a power line and construction signs and stuff strewn on the street. But we are safe.

Mandarin Buffet

Yup, I was contemplating standing in line for free Mandarin on Wednesday. I spent some time with my brother discussing the factors in choosing a location that would have the fewest in line:

1) must be one you can drive to - accessbility by walking or mass transit allows the lower income who might be attracted to free good food!

2) must be one that is not in the city close to other things - people with children will likely not want to stand in a barren parking lot for hours

3) if it rains, the line will be reduced by one hour wait maybe more

4) the only time to go is for opening - if you don't get in within the first wave there is not telling how long you will wait

5) we debated whether the fact that it is free and you have to wait would result in longer eating times or shorter. When I'm paying the big bucks I will try to get my money's worth. If its free am I trying to get all that I can because its a rare treat or is the fact that I'm in there eating whatever I want enough? We didn't factor in the wait time- if you have waited for three hours would you be more likely to take longer to make up for the standing around or is the fact that you made it in the door victory enough?

I was prepared to go to the Mandarin at 404 and 7. It has lots of criteria - its in a part of town that is not residential but rather mixed used industry. There is limited bus service and no TTC. Its near a Chinese area which I figured might actually work in my favour - would anyone Chinese stand in line to eat here? I figured I could stand for two hours 10 a.m. for 12 p.m. seating.

However, when I read the blogs of the last free dinner years ago I saw that wait times were upwards of 3 or 4 hours! I'm going to stand for four hours and break my diet just because its free? As my mom pointed out the dieting would probably mean the food would be too rich and I wouldn't be able to fill up anyways.

The Yonge and Eglinton location had a line up of 800 people before it opened. I'm sure my strategy would have worked - but we opted to drive up to the cottage to make sure its still standing and to open it up for the season. July 1st was a great day to go -coming home the highway was pretty smooth!