Preaching on Easter

Funny, non-ordained people don't normally get to preach on Easter but this year I've gotten the (last minute) offer. All the other "real" pastors are busy so I'm up. I'm happy to get an opportunity. I have a feeling I know the topic already! When you think about it maybe the less experienced should get the obvious dates - Christmas, Easter, Good Friday.

God Has a Sense of Humour??

I was bemoaning the fact yesterday that I have been unable to find a church that wants to take me on in a serious way as an intern. I offer my time and my talents but churches seem to be stuck that they can't figure out what to do with this.

At first I was taking it personally. But now I realise it is some sort of church thing. Its like apathy i guess. They are in a certain place and to make use of free work requires visioning and decision making.

Even at the church I am at now where we can only afford a pastor to come for one week a month there is a lack of movement. There was excitement when we moved our membership but really we have not seen any opportunities to serve and the bare minimum is barely getting done.

Yesterday I went to the ordination of someone I know who has been waiting for over 20 years for this day. It was very exciting! When I got home there was a message from a pastor who had seen my resume and wanted to chat. It was late so I didn't get a hold of him but checked out his church on the web.

Oh My! He is looking for three positions: Associate Pastor, Worship Director and Administrative Assistant. I have a feeling he is not offering me either of the first two. The list of job duties is very long. It is a Pentecostal church which requires evidence of tongues which I don't have. Also the only Scripture quoted is 1 Cor which talks about appropriate dress. Basically if you dress "too flashy or sexually" you will be fired.

Its a one man show. There is worship and Bible studies in homes. So its basically a church plant. After looking at all of the requirements and duties there is no way I could take the Associate position in good faith even if it were offered - things like plan 3 mission trips a year - one in Toronto, one in Ajax and one outside of the country. Very high expectations for a very short time period. Here is the joke part - you get a quarterly review within the first six months (I had to have C explain what on earth that meant) at which point you are assessed and a salary will be discussed - if the church has grown large enough. So all three positions have this stipulation - we'll pay you once we get enough people. Did I mention that one of the requirements is that you must tithe to the church?

I went from feeling really excited to wondering what God thinks? Is this a sense of humour that there are things worse then not having somewhere to serve? Or is this just pointing out that there are places to serve but I'm not willing to go? Honestly, I could plant a church with lower expectations with a better chance of success. You just can't call people up randomly from a resume site and build a team. Especially 3 positions at once.

Anyhow, I'll let you know what happens next!!

Itchy Feet

I got talked into sticking with Hebrew and with a lot of diligence got through the mid term. I think I passed at any rate. Meanwhile I am feeling the urge to get a job. I'm tired of this bizarre life I have and we could do with the money. C has an interview tomorrow which I pray he will figure out how to handle. Its difficult to explain why someone who is terminated after 20 years is not at fault. This process of clearing his name is taking forever.

So I look at jobs but realize there are few I really want to do - many require some kind of commitment - if its someone's small business for instance. I really just want to be a tiny nameless cog in a great machine. Let me clock in and out with no fuss.

Meanwhile I'm trying to wind down the role I'm in right now. I can't fill 30 hours a month and my skills aren't being used at all. I started doing menial tasks just so I can do something for the money I earn.

Things never seem to be settled!

I'm so mixed up!

I think I have finally decided to drop Hebrew. I did really well first semester but now I'm stuck. I have a midterm on Monday that I have no time left to study for and I just can't get all these verb paradigms into my head!!

I do get about 40% of my fee back if I drop now. I can't remember if I have ever dropped a course! I am feeling really beat up about it - but I think I did as good as I could. I got a reallygood mark first semester but the prof got behind and we were going at a slower pace. The stupid thing is that other profs teach it in a different way so I will likely have to take first semester all over again.

I should feel relieved but I feel like a failure!

Giving up Nintendo

Since we don't have a tv our Nintendo which used to be up at the cottage is getting quite the work out. My hands are actually starting to hurt. So for Lent it has to go. I'm not sure what will replace it - hopefully studying and such. We only play one game - Dr. Mario - for hours. Its one of the few games where both players can play at the same time.

Getting rid of the tv was supposed to free up some money and time - but I still find ways to waste time - I need to find something productive to do.

Where's Bobo?

Since starting school six years ago I have had my comfort blanket. My wine coloured sweatjacket. Its my thing. Even when the zipper broke I continued wearing it.

But where is it? It went missing last week - I thought maybe I left it at school but I don't see it in the lost and found. That in itself is an adventure. How do people lose winter coats? How do you go home not realizing that you don't have it on? There's tons of stuff just waiting to be picked up. Like a decorative cushion - maybe someone used it for class for their back. Tons of mugs, a few scarfs and quite frankly I didn't want to dig and deeper.

Bobo where are you?!

Hate/Love Relationship with Hebrew

I am having a complex relationship with Hebrew. Lately I have been disliking it intensely. I am having a really hard time memorizing the words - I can drill a word into my head and the next day it is as if I have never seen it before! Not only that the whole grammar thing is a problem. I don't think I learned much more than adjectives, verbs, adverbs and nouns in school. So the book refers to "direct object" as if it is the most natural thing in the world to know. The student in the class that learned English as a second language is not having any problem.

Anyhow, today I am loving Hebrew a bit more. I feel like I turned a corner - just in time as I have a midterm on Monday. These days of relief are few as in no time I will be lost and struggling again.

Oh yea, the word at the top of the screen is Shalom - peace (or rather lack of strife)

Sexism in the Church

I don't think I ever had a problem with sexism until I entered church life. Even then the first few times that I had it happen to me I didn't catch on. I'm not sure what it is about the culture but I have run into more problems with Christians then with non.

Today after three of us have helped a gentleman out with catching up a course he is behind in I commented that in order to catch up he would need to do all of the exercises as this was essential to really understanding the material and connecting the different lessons. I could tell he had zoned out and was ignoring me. I have seen this before in the church context and at the time hadn't recognized it for what it was.

In the end it doesn't really bother me. We have collectively spent about 10 hours helping him catch up 3 hours worth of material. I like teaching others things that I have problems understanding - I "get" what confuses people once I have struggled through it. But you have to help yourself. He seems to think that learning Hebrew is about someone going through the text book with him as if that's all that's needed. Anyhow, teaching someone else is pretty helpful for my own learning - I had to review it myself!

So Hebrew is going okay. I know where I'm falling down - I'm lousy at memory work so have to really spend the time on it and I sometimes take awhile to catch on how to use what I've learned. I learned that this in Greek - the class that seemed disjointed from everything sooner or later is really essential. I got hung up on Chapter 6 in Greek in my first year and it haunted me for the next year and a half! Hopefully won't make this mistake with Hebrew.

First Wedding Today

I have the privilege of marrying a friends mother and beau today. I'm not licensed so I'm not actually doing the legal bit - someone is doing that a bit before our ceremony. But I am doing the vows and blessing before God which I consider to be really important.

I never really wanted to get into the wedding business - because in many ways it is a business. If a couple are in my church and they want to wed and I have serious misgivings what can I do? The church hires me to give spiritual direction and marry. Maybe some days those two things don't line up. So I rather not get into that whole thing.

Its funny that the couple, particularly the bride has left me with very little instructions. They looked over the ceremony and have approved it but there is not procession down the aisle, no readings by family members or any of the extras. And I realised at the last minute with the grooms poor hearing that repeating the vows may be extra stress - so I called and they prefer that I read the vows and they just say "I do". Even the location is a little worrying - not sure if the spot they chose will fit the number of people - I have a back up plan just in case - I just saw the spot last night! And I found some nice paper to put the ceremony on so when I stand there I am reading from an elegant looking booklet rather than a piece of paper - they can keep it afterwards.

So this is different then what I would normally expect and I wanted to make note of it before the event to see how it goes. I'm confident about it - I have expectations that things will be a little confused but I'm confident that I have thought out what those confusions will be! It is very exciting - C and I have not been out to a party in a long time and this is one I actuallylook forward to - I'm usually reluctant to go to these things.

Follow Up to Previous Post

Hmm. That was an interesting meeting. I left more conflicted then ever. The possibility of actually getting support from some people to go to Calvin is tempting. I'm tired of self guidance and of trying to learn bits and pieces of each situation - I really want a solid mentor and internship with people to guide me.

It was interesting the quandry I'm in as I can register to Calvin as a student and then receive a license to preach which gets me out of having to deal with the current church for preaching and the whole sticky situation there. However, how do I get a recommendation to Calvin via this particular church? I still have a question of how this will turn out in the end.

I have also been encouraged to remember that not all churches are the same, there are some that are unhealthy just as there are some elders that aren't really meant to be elders. And I know this is true in all places where humans make up the congregation.

I'll have to see how this goes, there are just limited churches in my area that are CRC and few have pastors in place. Its hard finding a mentor.

Maybe I'm taking Hebrew this year for a reason after all.

All My Exes Live in Texas

Cliff and I are going to learn the song below for Karaoke next Monday night for a driveway party. I was intrigued by the title and promised to sing it next week. I must be crazy.


Chorus:All my ex's live in Texas
and Texas is the place I'd dearly love to be
but all my ex's live in Texas
and that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee

Rosanna's down in Texarkana
wanted me to push her broom
Sweet Eileen's in Abilene
She forgot I hung the moon
and Allison's in Galveston
somehow lost her sanity
and Dimple's who now lives in Temple's
got the law looking for me

Chorus
I remember that old Frio River
where I learned to swim
but it brings to mind another time
where I wore my welcome thin
By transcendental meditation
I go there each night
but I always come back to myself
long before daylight

All my ex's live in Texas
and Texas is the place Id dearly love to be
but all my ex's live in Texas
therefore I reside in Tennessee

Some folks think I'm hidin'
It's been rumored that I died
but I'm alive and well in Tennessee

Update

Well, I think I've come to terms with my journey at this point. I have no answers except that reading the beginning of Romans has really helped centre me a bit in taking criticism in stride.

I have also been thinking of specific people and their full personalities and realising that many of them would not have been approved by Council to enter ministry either. Yet God has called them and works through them just like he did Moses, David and Paul.

Which leaves me still with the call and trying to be wise. Regardless of denomination there will be those who don't like my personality. On the other hand, I've seen some people who are very easy to get along with but they still have issues which may be a bit more hidden. We naturally gravitate to "nice" people - just keep your ugly side hidden. Its really ironic to be in a denomination that can't go one week without telling itself and others that we are born sinful and without hope yet we are so disappointed when people don't measure up. I would rather have a pastor with warts then one that seems to preach from being above it all.

Perhaps that's post modern. Or realistic. Or maybe I'm just making it easier for me!

So I do have an application out for a ministry position - have had no feedback at all which is bothersome - I would like to know that they received it. Its downtown in a big church working Sunday evening service doing Outreach and getting to help prepare worship. I love thinking about worship and tying it into the life of the church so I am hopeful!

Low Carb Induced Irritability

I'm on day 10 of my low carb diet. I'm itchy and twitchy and I can't stop thinking about a warm dinner roll with butter. Or a plain piece of bread. I'm actually enjoying the bran crisps that I thought everyone was crazy for liking.

The loss of sugar is no biggie. Though I am eating these wonderful sugar free fudgie candies. But one does it. Its the bread. And potato chips. And even those crappy frozen McCain fries that suddenly are very appealing.

The plan has me on about 20 carbs a day. Everything that is not a fat or protein is a carb. Fiber is a carb but since you don't digest it, it doesn't count. How low is 20 carbs:

hamburger roll - 20

white bread - 10

pita - 30

cup of white rice - 40+

raw carrot - 5

1/2 cup broccoli - 2

So even if I were to sneak in the bread at 10 it would be hard not to go over once I try to eat some veggies. Carrots aren't allowed because of the sugar. I've only lost 4 pounds so far and if I don't lose more I have to stay on in for another week before they up everything. My metabolism sucks! I've started walking but its not like your metabolism is suddenly going to kick into high gear right away. I'm hoping that tomorrow I will be back to being content - I felt fine yesterday!

Bran Crisps - Yum!

This is supposed to be the cracker/bread to answer the dreams of those of us who must have our breads in order to feel full. Because they are actually allowed on this very restrictive stage of my diet, I drove a very far way to get them - 40 minutes north of the city!

At over 3 bucks for 12 pieces they aren't cheap. Now I admit by the day 3 of no bread I broke the pack open on my way back to the city. Dangerous move I won't do again. Since they are 85 percent bran you could say they are a little dry. Look at this from the website:

GG Bran Crispbread stays extra fresh when stored in the freezer, and does not need to be defrosted for use.

The fact that they do not need defrosting tells you just how dry they are when you eat them. Now, I will admit that they are filling and they are a far better solution then grabbing a piece of toast. But to say that I am excited and happy is a bit much. And I have noticed that the recipes using them contain ingredients not allowed in this phase - like strawberries, cottage cheese, cream cheese, cheese, tomatoes ..... I tried sticking a slice of chicken on top but really there is no fooling my brain or my mouth into thinking that these are in any way, shape or form a replacement for a slice of bread. They fill a need. At this point I can actually taste the sugar in the celery so its not like I'm being super critical.

I have been considering my birthday tomorrow trying to decide if I will just stick to my diet or if I will break and allow something. Like one slice of pizza. Or a cupcake. Or a piece of toast with butter and peanut butter. C is likely going to the cottage to open it up - I'm not interested until the snake check is done and the toilets have water in them. Wimp.

Now What?

I'm feeling much better today. I think I was overwhelmed with too much stuff. And as a bonus I got a message from a friend that I was so disappointed to not hear from so hopefully I will get a hold of them.

But I'm not sure what to do next. I have a paper to finish in the next few days and then another one due at the end of June and a visit from a relative at the end of the month.

The house is a disaster! I really need some solid time to handle it. And I've started this new diet - only on day 2 and I think I will be very cranky by the end. Very low carb, low fat, high protein. Eating extra lean hamburger for breakfast is going to get old really fast. And I am craving a doughnut. Coffee and doughnuts/dessert replaced my after dinner/coffee cigarette so I'm feeling especially tempted in the evening. Its going to be a long two weeks.

So, on the one hand I really need to get a job. On the other, a job in ministry seems especially difficult given that the economy is bad (the one church that seemed interested is having a hard time budget wise) and because I'm not sure what I will use for a reference.

I think I will have to just keep my eyes open and see what happens. Maybe looking in July will be a bit better because the college students probably have a job then and I have more experience then others looking for part time work. I wish I had worked retail at some point in my life. I think short term clerical would be best for now but it sounds like I'm being picky.

Maybe I just sit still and see what unfolds. A quiet summer might be a good idea though I feel guilty to not be doing anything. There seems to be a cycle of "hurry up and wait" mixed with being too busy. I'm starting to question my own perspective of God's presence in all of this. Maybe I have been deluding myself or maybe its time I took care of my health and my home before I commit to anything else!

So Down Today

I don't know why but I just feel really down today.

I think it is the accumulation of the stress of last Monday and the slow realisation that I don't have a clue what to do now. And because I'm starting a horrible diet that I need to do but means no cake on Saturday. I look forward to cake and everything just sucks.

And partly because someone I considered a friend hasn't touched base with me.

Lots of people come in and out of our lives - I used to be an Airforce Brat so I've had friends and lost them - but I have always had a really hard time if I've felt close to someone and they have not given me closure.

I really need to find someone who has the call to ministry who can support me and hold me accountable - not just one or the other!

Hmm, interesting week.

Thankfully God measures time for us in weeks. We can leave one week behind and imagine a fresh hopefully better week is ahead.

Preached to a near empty church today where I was almost the oldest one in the room. What a greatly different experience - much less formal and much more welcoming the human, relational side of preaching where the younger folks hope that you will share some of your vulnerabilty - what is your journey about? Not prepared for that angle and my presentation was not good - the message was good but maybe not what they needed to hear and like I said my confidence in this new setting wasn't fully there. I like to preach without my notes and I just wasn't at that point today - I'm so much more passionate when I can put away the manuscript.

But I may be asked back. Which is nice thought as now I can say that I have a fuller appreciation for the context of this church and what they are used to.

Incredible worship and one song in particular was so good that I was going to check it out on Google. After talking to the worship leader turns out that his brother wrote it!

But the weirdest time was yesterday. I'm in this preaching group which contains people from my church. I was scheduled to preach to half of the group. The other half has a few elders from my church and I was thankful that I did not have to preach to them given my decision not to return to my church.

As a matter of fact, I would have skipped this last class altogether because I got to bed very late. But from a pastoral point of view I did not want those who were involved in the disasterous meeting of Monday to read anything into my absence as if I am bitter or snubbing them.

I'm met in the parking lot by the leader who wants to know if I would be willing to share my sermon with the whole group as the 2nd group has a change of plans and could sit in. My first reaction is to refuse. I explained that there was a conflict. Especially considering that the sermon to be preached was the same one that has caused so much problems back in December. I had no idea that anyone who was aware of this issue would be there - I had been promised the freedom to preach without the burden of having these people ready to critique. A little part of me was also worried that this was a set up.

I was urged to go ahead. I explained that I did not want anyone to think that I had purposefully come with the offending sermon to hold everyone captive to hear it - as if to thumb my nose.

I went ahead. Not sure of myself and barely able to look anyone in the face because I was so uncomfortable - I'm sure this will be read as further "un Christ-like behaviour" rather than acute embarassment on my part.

I may never know, but I can' t help but suspect that preaching this sermon in front of the elder that had nothing nice to say about it was a bad idea. But the alternative was to come intending to preach and then refusing. I shouldn't have been put into this position to begin with.

Not sure that I will go back for any services in my old church. Don't really see the point - I like the church family of course but I'm one of those "let's rip the bandaid off" kinda people. I'm not staying so whether I go back for one last service or not doesn't seem important to me. Its not like I'm going to walk around and tell people that I have decided to leave so my last service to them is just another day. I guess this will sort itself out somehow. People who notice that I'm not around can call or ask C where I am. I just don't think anyone is really going to care that much.

That was short....

In case you are wondering, yes I have found my humour after a short stint of being very sad yesterday and this morning very angry at my church.

Well today I was very angry - not really at my church but at the situation. I've come to appreciate that people don't set out to be jerks. No one wakes up and says "today I'm going to be the biggest jerk I can, I'm going to offend someone, crush someone and make fun of someone at the gas station". It just happens. I wish I could claim this insight for myself, but a pastor who had really made a bad judgement call that had pissed me off asked me if I thought he had purposefully set out to do something that was obviously unwise (downshill skiiers excluded). I had to admit that as much as I thought what he did was stupid I couldn't imagine him purposefully choosing to do so. I'm not saying it never happens, there are some people who are out to make life difficult for others in certain situations.

So I can be angry and frustrated and hurt. But at the end of the day its not going to help.

I have struggled to remain with this denomination for some time. I have met brilliant, godly people who had left a long time ago because they couldn't hack it. I am hoping that I am released from here. I assumed that leaving this church meant leaving the denomination but I had this rather disturbing realization that I kind of assumed that! I'm not sure what God has planned!

It's time to get a job.

Well, I've come to the same conclusion as my prof. Its time to go and get a job in ministry - I can't learn anymore as a student. I'm not sure when it happened, but I realised that I really have done all I can do from the grass roots level - I need some form of ministry where I am actually doing the job and given a group to lead. Not likely to happen where I am now, so it looks like I will be looking for a paying gig. Its too bad I couldn't be given a meaty role as a volunteer - that just isn't the way it goes for some reason. You would think that non profits would be thrilled to have someone do the work for free for the experience - especially when we are without a pastor.

The preaching will get better with experience as well.

Once I'm back from vacation, my resume will be up to date and I am going to try to find some places to preach while I look for meaningful responsibilities.

I'm so confused....

I have finally figured out how to add a feed to my homepage. Sort of - I actually usually operate without a home page and now have one so I have my feeds accessible.

Technology has totally gotten ahead of me. I no longer know more than my friends and find myself totally confused outside of my safe zones on the Internet. I have also determined that my capacity for memorizing passwords and user ID's has been reached. I had to go into Yahoo to subscribe to flicker and realized that I didn't have a clue what my sign on was though I used to used to go into the church admin group all the time. I was able to pull it up - along with another username I have used in the past. Yahoo was trying to give me a Yahoo email address - what! I can't possibly take on another, I already can't keep up with the few that I have.

I have purchased a router to go wireless and a new printer/scanner. I haven't hooked either up yet and I have a vague feeling of panick at the thought. I'm sure something won't be compatible and I will face the frustration of trying to figure it all out.

Meanwhile, I really want to be able to create a very simple website - I'm thinking of taking a course with the TDSB but really, do I want to commit the time?