Going to Calvin

After a long time of discounting Calvin Seminary, I met with someone to discuss what I would need to do to attend Calvin for 12 weeks after my M. Div. to seek ordination in the CRC.

I can't say why I have changed my mind. I have often thought about it and found many reasons to reject the idea. Most of it has to do with my journey with the CRC which I can't say has been very nuturing.

But it crossed my mind to at least consider it and let someone in the denomination know. And then in a prayer meeting with EK some things were talked about and when I left and again the next morning I knew I had to take the idea more seriously.

I'm not sure what it was exactly. We discussed the influence MB has had on individuals and our church. And I considered what that meant. The church is further ahead then it once was but it is not unified, there are still major problems with discipline and spiritual maturity and yet I can't discount the work that has been done.

Its been hard. Not getting a pastor I admire to be a reference for me for Seminary was a real blow. And maybe that became the point. Always seeking assurance from others has been a necessity of mine. Not getting it from those I value the most has been really hard to take. But I went to seminary anyways, into a program that rejects far more than it accepts. Even after I told them a pastor refused to give me a reference because he felt it would be damaging to my acceptance. That should be enough.

And I think that is the key. People will think poorly of the best of pastors because good pastor afflict the comfortable. I realised that the high standards that we set for our pastors was immobilizing me and not getting the reference had really discouraged me altogether. No matter how much encouragement I get from that source I will always regret the lack of confidence in my ability.

But good people can make mistakes, even in assessing other people's readiness for ministry. Gee, maybe I can allow myself to make a mistake!

So when I think about a denomination that I love sitting with so many empty pulpits and I wonder who will fill them it becomes obvious that I need to ask myself why I refuse to consider it. Most of the reasons I rejected Calvin have been removed - the biggest thing I have now is fear. Fear of not making the cut, of being told I'm not good enough. Which is the same battle I have had for the past years as I discerned my path in ministry. I reacted to all of that criticism by going for counselling and those close to me, really close to me say that I have become a different person - less critical, less reactionary and more gracious. I still have room to grow, no doubt. In some ways I am very sad, as I wonder if I would have gotten to this point if we weren't sitting with an empty pulpit. I am sad that people I love are leaving!

Anyhow, I will have to figure everything out and actually do the real stuff like let Calvin know that I will be applying and get all my transcripts in order. And figure out the year that I will take Hebrew. And catch up my Greek. And ensure that I know each book of the bible, themes, writers, time periods and so on. I have to pull up my socks academically. In the end I have no idea if I want to be a full time pastor in the CRC - it seems so hard, but I have to take this first step in faith. God will block the door if I am totally out to lunch!

Short Cottage Visit

On Monday C and I went to the cottage. We planned to be away for 3 nights, four days. It was a welcome break at the cottage that we have not been able to use much because each summer I have been busy with church work or an internship.

After C checked the cottage very carefully for snakes I ventured in and got settled. I felt very confident about the whole thing.

Then C found a snake at the sliding door in the kitchen. As I watched is slither away quite quickly down the hall I realised that this snake was maybe a bit smaller than the last one - but way too big!

Feeling like an idiot, we packed our bags and headed home. I just couldn't imagine spending 3 nights pondering what was slinking around at night.

C went up today to fix the underbelly of the trailer with the belly wrap and special tape that arrived from the States on Tuesday. He also mowed the lawn, move all of the logs from around the fire pit. He also did a good search around the cottage. However, he did not see any snakes.

So...now that the underbelly is fixed and the cottage is sealed we should be able to go up and enjoy it. I am a bit relieved that we may not have any time for a few weeks because I'm still a bit freaked. I may look into treatment which unfortunately usually requires handling a snake at some point. I know they won't force me to do it until I am ready but the idea freaks me out a bit.

Sermon Response: I Want to Die!

Yes, the response to the sermon in today's worship at the local nursing home was "I want to die!". One resident shouted back "Not here please!". I was sure it was one of our church goers who said it so I was relieved when C assured me it was another resident.

Now either the resident was fed up with the worship or really taken on the theme that ultimately our troubles cease and we find peace with Jesus. I'll have to tone it down next time.

The nursing home worker took him away from the service. We were getting ready to sing a song and I was going to address his concern directly (no I don't mean I was going to kill him, I was going to see if we could pray for him), I figure heckling is part of the deal.....