What I've Decided....

I've been avoiding blogging - something I avoid when I have an internal struggle going on but perhaps this it is helpful for the few who read and pray for me to know where everything is going.

For various reasons that are not too clear yet, I will not be preaching in my home church. It appears to be a process issue at this point.

I am pleased to say that I have a pulpit open to be at a church next week - it is a pleasure and a burden to preach particularily in a church I have never visited. But the offer has been gracious - no advanced expectations just an open door with the offer to preach what I feel called to preach. How different then submitting a sermon and waiting for "approval". I honour both approaches for what they say about the role of preaching, though I have to say the latter is much preferred in this case! I got this opportunity by screwing up my courage and sending an email to a pastor I had met briefly about a possible position indicating I was available for summer supply. He emailed back immediately with this date.

I have a classmate a year ahead who is an elder and has offered me two dates at his church. Again, Presbyterian and no requirement to submit my manuscript. It seems so surreal that as a stranger I am received with less hesitation. A classmate insists that this is a variance of Jesus and his lack of acceptance by those who just knew too much about him. Maybe. That's sad as it takes away the glory of God's working in my life. I prefer to believe it is a process issue.

So with the lack of opportunity to gain more and more experience and a very tight budget for school next year it is time to look for a job in ministry. I had imagined getting a secular job and gaining tons more hands on experience - particularly in churches that were short pastors - but this seems to work against me. The empty leadership positions are still empty, the pulpit is still filled by others - this has not worked in my favour!

So if I get a secular job where do I get the preaching, leadership and pastoral experience I want to get? If I change churches I go as an unknown and will need to wait until I have the culture down and they trust me to give me volunteer work.

It seems that my days as a parishioner have come to an end and it is time to formally take the position of paid ministry. It makes a huge difference in how one is observed - both good and bad in that. But at least there will be responsibilities and a chance to serve and to grow spiritually.

I thought it would feel different - that I would not only know that it was time to go but would feel called elsewhere. So I think that this is the wilderness again - knowing that I will be called elsewhere and that where I am is just a time of desert living.

I was reading a friend's blog about being somewhere where you know you are not putting roots. In turn, I am unrooting myself!