Friends and Church Family

I have been reflecting on the difference between friends and church family from the standpoint of being a pastor. There is a huge difference!

Church family are your family for a time. They are at times closer than any friend you have in conflict whether on your side of the conflict or the other. But at the end of the day when you move on they stay where they are. You merely move in and out of their lives and they in yours.

When you are unable to commit your whole life to a church this is true. For those who move into a town and need to move out or for those who are called to ministry and know that the assignments and journey may mean more than one family on the way.

I thought I could do it differently. That the church family that have become friends would be friends forever. But really how often does this happen in real life? How often have I let someone down who expected a call and never received one? How many friends did I keep from the places that I worked - is church any different?

I resent this. Like having a friend that is a pastor who is only my friend in that circumstance. I resent it in my own life that there will be people that I will invest heavily in that will never be a friend once I am forced to move on.

This is the selfish form of love. One that a pastor cannot afford because it means that "true" friendship and the role of church family become two distinct things. People get categorized - just as I have done into "real" friends and "friends on the journey". If I invest wanting assurances that all friends will remain then I will be disappointed - thus the desire to not invest at all. We have all come across those who have been burned too many times to keep investing in people.

The trick for me is to learn how to understand this not just as a parishioner but as a pastor. I will likely hurt people along the way who thought that I could maintain 100's of relationships!

Pastors are notorious for not having close friends and I can honestly say that with the exception of one person who truly knows me spiritually I have no Christian friends that contact me out of the blue to say "Hi" or to catch up. All of my good friends - that is the ones I can tell my darkest fears to or cry in front of or swear and rant and rave are the same ones from before I became a Christian. This is interesting and I am thankful for this journey this way. Not needing to be the pastor for others when we sit and chat is a huge blessing! Having friends that can let me be me is a huge gift.

This is a hard transition going from pew to pulpit - particularly in this weird place I am in which is partly between the pew and pulpit. In the aisle - not quite knowing where to go. Most people do it a different way. They leave their church as a parishioner, go to seminary and then pop out the other end as a minister. The whole process of shedding one skin which looks remarkably like the new skin is hidden from view. I would never suggest a student do what I did - that is try to change roles in the same church unless that church is ready to know what this means and can really step up and create the right mix of nurture - and then be ready to let you go without regret - unselfish love in action.