PAP Smear

I titled this one for those with any amount of decorum to stay away.

The yearly PAP smear is a pain in the ass.

I went to a new doctor this time. My other doctor has too many patients, keeps a filthy office and has never been able to do the PAP efficiently. I usually end up having to go to a gyne/obs guy.

I hate going to the gyne/obs because of all those pregnant women. I can't explain it but I used to really be freaked out by pregnant women. I'm getting over it. Since becoming a Christian I have a whole different feeling about having children. But at the time it was really freaking me out. Pregnancy looks uncomfortable. Women have that weird waddling way of walking. The clothes are somewhat better than what you find in large sizes but are always cheaply made as if they will disintegrate at 9 months. I spent a lot of years ensuring I didn't get pregnant - sitting with the reproducing folks just gets me anxious.

The gyne guy was great. He didn't know why my own doctor had troubles - it took me longer to dress and undress than for him to do the exam.

My doctor later admitted that her speculum isn't long enough. So she sends me to a specialist 'cause he's got longer ones.

See, I'm a practial person. Just give me the freakin' catalogue and I'll order my own. I'll even let you use it on other people as long as it remains in the office.

So, in an effort to find a doctor with a clean office, who wouldn't continually forget to put things in my file and hopefully had a greater range of speculums, I changed to a very nice, quiet man. His receptionist comes in during the procedure - I figure why not. If its that interesting maybe we should broadcast it live to the waiting room.

Ah, but my gentle friend as the same difficulties. A lot of fiddling going on down there. I'm a visual person so all I can imagine is what is the problem? During some counselling sessions my therapist had me imagine a vacuum inside my centre to suck up all kinds of things and then put them in these containers. Suddenly, the image of these containers impeding his progress comes to mind. Then my mind drifts to treasure chests. The whole time he is very quietly saying "does it hurt?". I notice that he knows damn well that it hurt because he only says it after he has hurt me.

Anyhow, he got what he wanted. Typical. He was very apologetic and assured me that he is sure that I won't have to go back to the gyne. I thanked him. He said "My pleasure..." he stopped realising that that really isn't what you say. Not unless you are offering me a cigarette.

That was yesterday and today was the dentist. More poking and probing. Overall, the internal was a less nerve wracking experience. I hate it when the hygenist doesn't say "please" - all this "Open, wider", "Turn", "Close". I tried to explain this to a dentist who asked what made me anxious. Once you lay down in that chair you have really lost any control in the relationship. There are cutting instruments being used and I'm tilted into a chair. Its not like I can suddenly make a run for it.