We went to two services. One at our new church and another at our old church to keep up with our friends.
The first service was a bit annoying because they moved the time forward a full hour and a half. If you weren't there the day they announced it you wouldn't likely know. One of the worship singers didn't know so showed up an hour late.
The service itself was wonderful - there was lots of time for reflection and contemplation and it moved very slowly. Some of the elements like announcements and passing the peace (which normally takes 10 minutes as we all greet every person and chat) were removed so we could be quiet. Some parts were annoying - like the Powerpoint which was out of order again with some lyrics missing. There is a beautiful song with one lyric "Jesus remember me when you come into your kingdom". It reflects the robber on the cross that says this at the crucifixion. It is an incredible statement of faith and the answer from Christ is that they will both be in paradise before the day ends. It is one of the shortest confessions of sin with an understood response. Its sung over and over again the, rising and falling. But the person leading missed the lyric and sang "Jesus remember me when I come into your kingdom" Because it wasn't on the Powerpoint almost all people sang it that way. Its a small thing but these things bother me - I'm picky that way. Now if we were a church that did tons of other things in addition to worship I would be less picky. But worship is the key thing that we spend our time on.
Now to contrast the afternoon service was technically excellent. There was a violinist and they brought in a solo vocalist. We knew that the church's worship is a little higher brow then we like but we thought we were prepared for it. There were two beautiful songs that are based on black spirituals. You can imagine them being sung in the fields. One of them sings about how Christ never said a word against his accusers while being crucified. I can imagine the context of singing this as a slave with no voice - no authority over their own lives. Its a strong image. It was a corporate song - you sang it as a group. But when you take the song and have a soloist perform it it becomes another experience. By the time we had been there an hour it felt like a performance. C admitted that 20 minutes in he was finished. It bothers me because I like to believe that I can worship anywhere in any way. There were moments for me when I connected but I just don't get anything out of watching someone sing. It made me wonder how many people are totally disconnected and bored when I preach (or when anyone preaches for that matter). How do I learn how to worship in any situation?
After all is said and done I found that I had connected with the morning service so well - despite the hiccups. And I also remember my friends who have little choice in where they worship or the style they see. We are spoiled that we can be so picky!
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Christ is Dead!
A rather shocking title don't you think. In some traditions Christians on Easter Sunday will greet each other with "Christ is risen!!" with the response "He has risen indeed!". It makes sense that the first thing you would say to another is this amazing fact - how could anything else come into your mind?
But on Good Friday we recognize Christ's death but we don't shout about it. But maybe we should. If Christ didn't die then he didn't arise - and if he didn't rise from the dead then we are in a lot of hot water. God would be pretty angry with us for following Jesus if in fact he wasn't the Messiah. And considering what we have done in Christ's name - which is shameful enough - we would truly be cursed.
I couldn't stand it when people on the bus or the subway would sit next to me and say "Jesus loves you". I wonder how I would have felt if people on the Saturday after Good Friday sat down and said "Christ is dead" with a big grin on their face. That's the thing. I would be just as uncomfortable with that statement! Its not that non-Christians have a problem with "Jesus loves you" so much as they have a problem with anyone coming and pushing their viewpoint on them while travelling somewhere. It's like "Do you have life insurance?", "Abortion kills" or "Do you have the time?". The last one is directed at Torontonians - the first reaction is wide eyed fear until they hear that all they are being asked to do is look at their watch!
Which reminds me. After moving here my brother and I were walking with my father down Yonge Street near Dundas. This women walks out of a doorway and asks by brother for the time. He stops to answer and my father grabs him and says "He's only fifteen!". He was laughing as he told us that she didn't want the time but his time! I'm still not convinced she was a hooker. My brother is good looking but he didn't have the look of having a dime!
But on Good Friday we recognize Christ's death but we don't shout about it. But maybe we should. If Christ didn't die then he didn't arise - and if he didn't rise from the dead then we are in a lot of hot water. God would be pretty angry with us for following Jesus if in fact he wasn't the Messiah. And considering what we have done in Christ's name - which is shameful enough - we would truly be cursed.
I couldn't stand it when people on the bus or the subway would sit next to me and say "Jesus loves you". I wonder how I would have felt if people on the Saturday after Good Friday sat down and said "Christ is dead" with a big grin on their face. That's the thing. I would be just as uncomfortable with that statement! Its not that non-Christians have a problem with "Jesus loves you" so much as they have a problem with anyone coming and pushing their viewpoint on them while travelling somewhere. It's like "Do you have life insurance?", "Abortion kills" or "Do you have the time?". The last one is directed at Torontonians - the first reaction is wide eyed fear until they hear that all they are being asked to do is look at their watch!
Which reminds me. After moving here my brother and I were walking with my father down Yonge Street near Dundas. This women walks out of a doorway and asks by brother for the time. He stops to answer and my father grabs him and says "He's only fifteen!". He was laughing as he told us that she didn't want the time but his time! I'm still not convinced she was a hooker. My brother is good looking but he didn't have the look of having a dime!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Answer is Moops!
In a great Seinfeld episode there is an argument as the answer for a Trivial Pursuit question is supposed to be "Moors" but reads "Moops". George, being George, refuses to accept the correct answer.
Can you imagine playing Trivial P. with someone who remembers that she was cheated by her family of a correct answer over 20 years ago! That would be my mother who insists that in answering the question what does SNAFU stand for insisted that it was "Situation Normal, All Fouled Up". Well the answer didn't use the polite "fouled" and she insisted that this was the correct version of the term. Being a military brat I had heard this term used many times with the proper f word. I would have credited it to her if she simply didn't want to use the rude word - but she insisted the game makers were wrong.
I had forgotten about this until tonight - when she again argued that "thousands of her friends" know that it is "fouled up". Apparently everyone growing up in the 50's knows this.
There are reasons why I don't go for games of intelligence with my mother. She can't stand being wrong or worse being wrong when someone else is right!
Can you imagine playing Trivial P. with someone who remembers that she was cheated by her family of a correct answer over 20 years ago! That would be my mother who insists that in answering the question what does SNAFU stand for insisted that it was "Situation Normal, All Fouled Up". Well the answer didn't use the polite "fouled" and she insisted that this was the correct version of the term. Being a military brat I had heard this term used many times with the proper f word. I would have credited it to her if she simply didn't want to use the rude word - but she insisted the game makers were wrong.
I had forgotten about this until tonight - when she again argued that "thousands of her friends" know that it is "fouled up". Apparently everyone growing up in the 50's knows this.
There are reasons why I don't go for games of intelligence with my mother. She can't stand being wrong or worse being wrong when someone else is right!
Monday, March 15, 2010
See Your Child Speak Hebrew!
Hebrew Sessions for All Ages- See your child speak Hebrew! (Toronto)
Date: 2010-03-15, 8:25AM EDT
Reply to: comm-qa4je-1644702850@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Going to Israel? Come to me for Conversational HEBREW Lessons
Hmm, perhaps Hebrew sign language!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Preaching on Easter
Funny, non-ordained people don't normally get to preach on Easter but this year I've gotten the (last minute) offer. All the other "real" pastors are busy so I'm up. I'm happy to get an opportunity. I have a feeling I know the topic already! When you think about it maybe the less experienced should get the obvious dates - Christmas, Easter, Good Friday.
Dead Weight
Come be dead weight.
Looking for a 300lbs+ patient actor
We're developing new tools to help nurses in lifting a moving patients. We want your input on some new mechanical lifting devices designed for lifting/transfering heavier people. Your role would be to act as an unconscious patient in a bed while you are lifted our of a bed into a wheelchair using a mechanical lift device and to tell us how comfortable you find the process. The session should take about 2 hours and we can pay you $25/hour.
I've been looking for some part time hours on Craigslist. Unfortunately I'm not heavy enough for this one. I wonder how many people applied? What kind of release do you have to sign - I'm not sure I want to be the guinea pig for testing out this equipment. And do you have to be an actor who is patient? 50 bucks is still 50 bucks though!
Labels: Looking for Work
posted by Anon | 7:20 PM | 0 comments 
Monday, March 08, 2010
God Has a Sense of Humour??
I was bemoaning the fact yesterday that I have been unable to find a church that wants to take me on in a serious way as an intern. I offer my time and my talents but churches seem to be stuck that they can't figure out what to do with this.
At first I was taking it personally. But now I realise it is some sort of church thing. Its like apathy i guess. They are in a certain place and to make use of free work requires visioning and decision making.
Even at the church I am at now where we can only afford a pastor to come for one week a month there is a lack of movement. There was excitement when we moved our membership but really we have not seen any opportunities to serve and the bare minimum is barely getting done.
Yesterday I went to the ordination of someone I know who has been waiting for over 20 years for this day. It was very exciting! When I got home there was a message from a pastor who had seen my resume and wanted to chat. It was late so I didn't get a hold of him but checked out his church on the web.
Oh My! He is looking for three positions: Associate Pastor, Worship Director and Administrative Assistant. I have a feeling he is not offering me either of the first two. The list of job duties is very long. It is a Pentecostal church which requires evidence of tongues which I don't have. Also the only Scripture quoted is 1 Cor which talks about appropriate dress. Basically if you dress "too flashy or sexually" you will be fired.
Its a one man show. There is worship and Bible studies in homes. So its basically a church plant. After looking at all of the requirements and duties there is no way I could take the Associate position in good faith even if it were offered - things like plan 3 mission trips a year - one in Toronto, one in Ajax and one outside of the country. Very high expectations for a very short time period. Here is the joke part - you get a quarterly review within the first six months (I had to have C explain what on earth that meant) at which point you are assessed and a salary will be discussed - if the church has grown large enough. So all three positions have this stipulation - we'll pay you once we get enough people. Did I mention that one of the requirements is that you must tithe to the church?
I went from feeling really excited to wondering what God thinks? Is this a sense of humour that there are things worse then not having somewhere to serve? Or is this just pointing out that there are places to serve but I'm not willing to go? Honestly, I could plant a church with lower expectations with a better chance of success. You just can't call people up randomly from a resume site and build a team. Especially 3 positions at once.
Anyhow, I'll let you know what happens next!!
At first I was taking it personally. But now I realise it is some sort of church thing. Its like apathy i guess. They are in a certain place and to make use of free work requires visioning and decision making.
Even at the church I am at now where we can only afford a pastor to come for one week a month there is a lack of movement. There was excitement when we moved our membership but really we have not seen any opportunities to serve and the bare minimum is barely getting done.
Yesterday I went to the ordination of someone I know who has been waiting for over 20 years for this day. It was very exciting! When I got home there was a message from a pastor who had seen my resume and wanted to chat. It was late so I didn't get a hold of him but checked out his church on the web.
Oh My! He is looking for three positions: Associate Pastor, Worship Director and Administrative Assistant. I have a feeling he is not offering me either of the first two. The list of job duties is very long. It is a Pentecostal church which requires evidence of tongues which I don't have. Also the only Scripture quoted is 1 Cor which talks about appropriate dress. Basically if you dress "too flashy or sexually" you will be fired.
Its a one man show. There is worship and Bible studies in homes. So its basically a church plant. After looking at all of the requirements and duties there is no way I could take the Associate position in good faith even if it were offered - things like plan 3 mission trips a year - one in Toronto, one in Ajax and one outside of the country. Very high expectations for a very short time period. Here is the joke part - you get a quarterly review within the first six months (I had to have C explain what on earth that meant) at which point you are assessed and a salary will be discussed - if the church has grown large enough. So all three positions have this stipulation - we'll pay you once we get enough people. Did I mention that one of the requirements is that you must tithe to the church?
I went from feeling really excited to wondering what God thinks? Is this a sense of humour that there are things worse then not having somewhere to serve? Or is this just pointing out that there are places to serve but I'm not willing to go? Honestly, I could plant a church with lower expectations with a better chance of success. You just can't call people up randomly from a resume site and build a team. Especially 3 positions at once.
Anyhow, I'll let you know what happens next!!
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Religion vs Jesus
I love this bumpersticker that says: "I love Jesus, its just his fanclub I can't stand".
A friend sent me a link to a pastor who wrote about the difference between religion and following Christ. I agreed with a lot of what the pastor had to say and have often said the same things. What really struck me were the comments he received back. People who were grateful that he had the courage to speak up. People who had been so well versed in what it meant to be a good church member that they missed the bigger point. I almost cried when I read these - I'm not an emotional person except when it comes to those who are in church but just haven't gotten the big picture yet. What really amazed me was that the way I see things seems to be unique - people seem genuinely moved by what this pastor wrote and yet I would hope that there are people in every church who "get" the big picture and recognize that the human church is a place of broken people.
I used to think that it was a curse that I was not raised in a church going family. They seemed to understand God and spirituality and everything to me seemed to be a big question. Nothing made sense of God. He sends a son to die like a criminal at our hands and somehow this solves everything? What on earth does this even mean? People told me you need to be a Christian to understand and I was angry that I had this block - that God for whatever reason refused to let me understand this thing that everyone said was so easy. I guess this journey brought me to a place of quiet understanding. I didn't go the regular route and now I can see things differently
So now I have a love for these people - especially the ones that argue about the colour of the carpet for the sanctuary. Because they are so in need of Christ's vision of church. Which starts with them - that they are loved and that the power to choose the colour of the carpet is selling what God has for them short.
Some people run from these churches. I run towards them. The trick is knowing when I am doing so with the love of Christ or when I am doing so for the rush of small changes when people's perceptions change in tiny ways to see the bigger picture. I'm not sure if this is a good desire or not. It certainly is limited in its great moments - its more that of a prophet who the weak look to for guidance while the powerful disdain. Its not comfortable and at times I have not wanted this "gift". It's a role where I need accountability, a life of prayer and really strong self identity. I'm not there yet!
A friend sent me a link to a pastor who wrote about the difference between religion and following Christ. I agreed with a lot of what the pastor had to say and have often said the same things. What really struck me were the comments he received back. People who were grateful that he had the courage to speak up. People who had been so well versed in what it meant to be a good church member that they missed the bigger point. I almost cried when I read these - I'm not an emotional person except when it comes to those who are in church but just haven't gotten the big picture yet. What really amazed me was that the way I see things seems to be unique - people seem genuinely moved by what this pastor wrote and yet I would hope that there are people in every church who "get" the big picture and recognize that the human church is a place of broken people.
I used to think that it was a curse that I was not raised in a church going family. They seemed to understand God and spirituality and everything to me seemed to be a big question. Nothing made sense of God. He sends a son to die like a criminal at our hands and somehow this solves everything? What on earth does this even mean? People told me you need to be a Christian to understand and I was angry that I had this block - that God for whatever reason refused to let me understand this thing that everyone said was so easy. I guess this journey brought me to a place of quiet understanding. I didn't go the regular route and now I can see things differently
So now I have a love for these people - especially the ones that argue about the colour of the carpet for the sanctuary. Because they are so in need of Christ's vision of church. Which starts with them - that they are loved and that the power to choose the colour of the carpet is selling what God has for them short.
Some people run from these churches. I run towards them. The trick is knowing when I am doing so with the love of Christ or when I am doing so for the rush of small changes when people's perceptions change in tiny ways to see the bigger picture. I'm not sure if this is a good desire or not. It certainly is limited in its great moments - its more that of a prophet who the weak look to for guidance while the powerful disdain. Its not comfortable and at times I have not wanted this "gift". It's a role where I need accountability, a life of prayer and really strong self identity. I'm not there yet!
Relationships - The Thread Theory
In my beginning I was a trusting sort. I wanted everyone to be my friend, to be acceptable to all that came across my path.
As I got older I gave everyone a "mark". Upon meeting someone I assumed they were 100% and then I started deducting points. Not in a real linear fashion but in a sort of gut way. Being perceptive and not wanting to make an effort I could usually pin someone onto the scale within the first few minutes of meeting them. Often I would distrust this first glance and give it a longer time only to arrive back at the original impression months later.
When I turned 30 everything settled into place. I came up with the thread theory. Now before I tell you my theory you need to know that I moved around from place to place every 4 years until I moved to Toronto. By the time I was 30 I had actually managed to keep the same friends for 10 years. So the Thread Theory was really based on learning what to do when you don't automatically lose your friendships at the 4 year mark.
The Thread Theory
Your life is a piece of fabric - a knit fabric like a sweater or a tweed. The people in your life along with everything else is woven together to form that fabric. Now you know that piece of thread that is always just dangling there? That's the thread "friend". That's the person in your life you have to figure out what to do with:
1) they don't fit into your life like the rest
2) depending on where they are in the fabric this does or does not matter - a thread hanging off your sleeve is hard to ignore (and annoying) a thread which is part of a hem is essential, a thread hanging in place that no one sees is not important to your fabric.
3) You have choices as to what to do with the thread:
- cut it off
- take the time to try to put it on a needle and thread it back into the material
- pull it which will either disengage it from the material or make the fabric pucker (you really have to be careful if you are frustrated and take on the "pull" method rather than think about the best course of action
- ignore it - if you can
- the worst option is this one - you have a thread that you can't quite put back into the fabric but that you can't lose either because it will unravel other things - this requires a patch or glue or something - thankfully these are rare and they probably represent family members like ex husbands that you still need around or high maintenance people you would like to let go of can't for some particular reason in your life
When I turned 30 I saw everyone a threads. If you were annoying and dangling at my wrist and really weren't needed in the fabric I just snipped you off. Gone, kapput. Huge relief for me because I could stop feeling guilty that this annoying person who was not getting in line was out of the way. For whatever reason the effort to try to interweave this thread back into the fabric wasn't worth the time. I dropped a few threads - mostly people who I suspected were using up my energy rather than contributing to my life.
I also had other threads that I figured had to be more carefully woven in - for those I tried to make a conscious effort to think about how this could be done. As soon as I noticed a thread I decided - do I cut this one or weave it.
It wasn't until today I thought about those threads that you spend time putting patches on. My father fell into that category. At some point I had the scissors ready because of the dance of trying to communicate with him - not being able to get a hold of him or getting messages picked up. But a father - unless he is toxic - can't be snipped, nor ignored and you can't always force them to be woven back in. All you can do is continually put a patch in place so the thread doesn't go any further to either unravel your life or to go missing altogether.
The Thread Theory made life easy. I could assess you pretty quickly - and I am rarely wrong since I'm the only one that makes the rules! and I could cut you off before I bothered to weave you in. Saves a lot of time.
I had a long drawn out battle with this perception when I became a Christian. Not at first - I knew I was right in all that I thought and my system worked. But with time I was challenged and realized that not only did my pastor challenge me on "writing people off" but that this was distinctly unChrist like. That loving people thing is really easy to ignore and I think many of us do it very well! Well what do I do when I meet you and know that I don't like you?
This is the new stage that has taken 6 or so years to get to. I have learned to try to love everyone. Now the guy from Ontario Energy that called this afternoon will tell you I have a lot to learn. As will the guy behind the pharmacy counter yesterday who had a very stupid rule that prevents me from getting my meds until I can track down my doctor who is away til Monday. These people will tell you that I am not very nice and am essentially the same person as years ago. But in fact there is a transformation in my perception. If I was to meet them in a party my intuition would still kick in and I would know where they fall but the scale used is different. They are always 100% in someone's eyes - I just can't always see it. And my scale isn't good enough to judge anyone because it is flawed by my own flaws. So now I know that there are wonderful people that thankfully someone LIKES as well as loves - even if they are not who I would normally gravitate to. And usually, if I am in good spirits, I listen to learn about what that person has to say rather than wait to see whether they say anything that I would want to claim as my own. Learning to listen is a wonderful skill and part of that love thing Christ talks about because it puts me in the servant position!
Here is where freedom in Christ has helped me. I cannot like every person I meet. I can try to love them with sacrificial love - the kind that takes thinking and action (and sometimes silence) to exhibit and feel. Because I now know (and am actually starting to believe) that my worth is in Christ I can stop worrying about what other people think of my ideas and my thoughts. This is still a work in progress - I really like to be heard and respected. Finally the best thing is that I have learned that I was not put on earth to save anyone. This song has become my own expression of this:
Stabbing Westward - Just Save Yourself
I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as f***d as you
I am just as f***d as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
Now I'm not trying to say that I can't not be the hands and feet of Christ - I can. But I cannot truly save anyone. The bit of transformation I have had through the Holy Spirit has been helped by many people along the way. Some helped by being hurtful in truth, others helped by listening and caring. But in the end I cannot take anyone where they need to go. I hope that as a pastor - or one with the heart of a pastor if not all the skills that I can direct, lead, point, listen and hold hands - but I can't save.
Suddenly I am free. Free to let people be who they are lost in their own issues. Yes, there have been people that I know are upset with me. I have seen them get upset with someone else and not speak up to them so this is how they deal with things. I offered to meet and gave my time - but I can't force someone to acknowledge or to own their feelings. Maybe they think terrible things about me but without expressing them I can't solve the issue. I don't ignore it - I stick my hand out but they have to reciprocate.
Now on the other hand there is a balance to this. I have had relationships with people who are just insensitive to someone else's misery. My reaction to their behaviour they reason is my problem. I agree with this on some levels but also recognize that I was powerless at the time to not feel hurt. Christ often took pity on people. I think there is still room for pity for those situations we know we cannot change. Perhaps prayer that I can be sensitive and keep my boundaries and that the other person's unmet needs can be met in some other way.
I actually have far more people I am in contact with now then 10 years ago. I still have the same friends which are really hard to keep up with what with my schooling but I still find room for more acquaintances - people that I am with for a season, meeting or moment.
This has also allowed me to handle toxic relationships a bit better. I define toxic as those relationships that sour your life without sweetening theirs. Whatever their hang up is it does not matter how they deal with you - their situation doesn't change. Think of the person who abuses. They abuse those they love but taking this abuse does not actually help them get better and the victim of the abuse actually promotes the unhealthy behaviour. I cannot save these people. I can pray for patience and good boundaries for myself and for breakthrough for them. But I cannot make them whole - no matter how much I want to. I am just as f***ed as you.
As I got older I gave everyone a "mark". Upon meeting someone I assumed they were 100% and then I started deducting points. Not in a real linear fashion but in a sort of gut way. Being perceptive and not wanting to make an effort I could usually pin someone onto the scale within the first few minutes of meeting them. Often I would distrust this first glance and give it a longer time only to arrive back at the original impression months later.
When I turned 30 everything settled into place. I came up with the thread theory. Now before I tell you my theory you need to know that I moved around from place to place every 4 years until I moved to Toronto. By the time I was 30 I had actually managed to keep the same friends for 10 years. So the Thread Theory was really based on learning what to do when you don't automatically lose your friendships at the 4 year mark.
The Thread Theory
Your life is a piece of fabric - a knit fabric like a sweater or a tweed. The people in your life along with everything else is woven together to form that fabric. Now you know that piece of thread that is always just dangling there? That's the thread "friend". That's the person in your life you have to figure out what to do with:
1) they don't fit into your life like the rest
2) depending on where they are in the fabric this does or does not matter - a thread hanging off your sleeve is hard to ignore (and annoying) a thread which is part of a hem is essential, a thread hanging in place that no one sees is not important to your fabric.
3) You have choices as to what to do with the thread:
- cut it off
- take the time to try to put it on a needle and thread it back into the material
- pull it which will either disengage it from the material or make the fabric pucker (you really have to be careful if you are frustrated and take on the "pull" method rather than think about the best course of action
- ignore it - if you can
- the worst option is this one - you have a thread that you can't quite put back into the fabric but that you can't lose either because it will unravel other things - this requires a patch or glue or something - thankfully these are rare and they probably represent family members like ex husbands that you still need around or high maintenance people you would like to let go of can't for some particular reason in your life
When I turned 30 I saw everyone a threads. If you were annoying and dangling at my wrist and really weren't needed in the fabric I just snipped you off. Gone, kapput. Huge relief for me because I could stop feeling guilty that this annoying person who was not getting in line was out of the way. For whatever reason the effort to try to interweave this thread back into the fabric wasn't worth the time. I dropped a few threads - mostly people who I suspected were using up my energy rather than contributing to my life.
I also had other threads that I figured had to be more carefully woven in - for those I tried to make a conscious effort to think about how this could be done. As soon as I noticed a thread I decided - do I cut this one or weave it.
It wasn't until today I thought about those threads that you spend time putting patches on. My father fell into that category. At some point I had the scissors ready because of the dance of trying to communicate with him - not being able to get a hold of him or getting messages picked up. But a father - unless he is toxic - can't be snipped, nor ignored and you can't always force them to be woven back in. All you can do is continually put a patch in place so the thread doesn't go any further to either unravel your life or to go missing altogether.
The Thread Theory made life easy. I could assess you pretty quickly - and I am rarely wrong since I'm the only one that makes the rules! and I could cut you off before I bothered to weave you in. Saves a lot of time.
I had a long drawn out battle with this perception when I became a Christian. Not at first - I knew I was right in all that I thought and my system worked. But with time I was challenged and realized that not only did my pastor challenge me on "writing people off" but that this was distinctly unChrist like. That loving people thing is really easy to ignore and I think many of us do it very well! Well what do I do when I meet you and know that I don't like you?
This is the new stage that has taken 6 or so years to get to. I have learned to try to love everyone. Now the guy from Ontario Energy that called this afternoon will tell you I have a lot to learn. As will the guy behind the pharmacy counter yesterday who had a very stupid rule that prevents me from getting my meds until I can track down my doctor who is away til Monday. These people will tell you that I am not very nice and am essentially the same person as years ago. But in fact there is a transformation in my perception. If I was to meet them in a party my intuition would still kick in and I would know where they fall but the scale used is different. They are always 100% in someone's eyes - I just can't always see it. And my scale isn't good enough to judge anyone because it is flawed by my own flaws. So now I know that there are wonderful people that thankfully someone LIKES as well as loves - even if they are not who I would normally gravitate to. And usually, if I am in good spirits, I listen to learn about what that person has to say rather than wait to see whether they say anything that I would want to claim as my own. Learning to listen is a wonderful skill and part of that love thing Christ talks about because it puts me in the servant position!
Here is where freedom in Christ has helped me. I cannot like every person I meet. I can try to love them with sacrificial love - the kind that takes thinking and action (and sometimes silence) to exhibit and feel. Because I now know (and am actually starting to believe) that my worth is in Christ I can stop worrying about what other people think of my ideas and my thoughts. This is still a work in progress - I really like to be heard and respected. Finally the best thing is that I have learned that I was not put on earth to save anyone. This song has become my own expression of this:
Stabbing Westward - Just Save Yourself
I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as f***d as you
I am just as f***d as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
Now I'm not trying to say that I can't not be the hands and feet of Christ - I can. But I cannot truly save anyone. The bit of transformation I have had through the Holy Spirit has been helped by many people along the way. Some helped by being hurtful in truth, others helped by listening and caring. But in the end I cannot take anyone where they need to go. I hope that as a pastor - or one with the heart of a pastor if not all the skills that I can direct, lead, point, listen and hold hands - but I can't save.
Suddenly I am free. Free to let people be who they are lost in their own issues. Yes, there have been people that I know are upset with me. I have seen them get upset with someone else and not speak up to them so this is how they deal with things. I offered to meet and gave my time - but I can't force someone to acknowledge or to own their feelings. Maybe they think terrible things about me but without expressing them I can't solve the issue. I don't ignore it - I stick my hand out but they have to reciprocate.
Now on the other hand there is a balance to this. I have had relationships with people who are just insensitive to someone else's misery. My reaction to their behaviour they reason is my problem. I agree with this on some levels but also recognize that I was powerless at the time to not feel hurt. Christ often took pity on people. I think there is still room for pity for those situations we know we cannot change. Perhaps prayer that I can be sensitive and keep my boundaries and that the other person's unmet needs can be met in some other way.
I actually have far more people I am in contact with now then 10 years ago. I still have the same friends which are really hard to keep up with what with my schooling but I still find room for more acquaintances - people that I am with for a season, meeting or moment.
This has also allowed me to handle toxic relationships a bit better. I define toxic as those relationships that sour your life without sweetening theirs. Whatever their hang up is it does not matter how they deal with you - their situation doesn't change. Think of the person who abuses. They abuse those they love but taking this abuse does not actually help them get better and the victim of the abuse actually promotes the unhealthy behaviour. I cannot save these people. I can pray for patience and good boundaries for myself and for breakthrough for them. But I cannot make them whole - no matter how much I want to. I am just as f***ed as you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
