I'm Feeling Down

I'm feeling down. Good friends are moving soon and I am really going to miss them! I haven't lost a friendship due to moving in years - I don't remember if it was hard when I was younger or not - if it was me moving it was easier because I had a new routine and stuff to go to and a new school to deal with. I had so much on my mind already.

So that along with a few day of insomnia (I only got 2 hours sleep on Monday - I finally fell asleep Tuesday morning at 7:00 a.m. and had to get up to babysit at 10:00 a.m.) and thinking about Calvin Seminary and having some work that needs to be done for school hanging over my head has left me feeling a bit down. I hate feeling like this because sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I'm finding that the more free time I have the longer it takes me to get stuff done because I am a procrastinator.

Books, books and more books!

I am so fortunate - I have boxes and boxes of books - commentaries and theology and all kinds of stuff donated via pastors who can't take everything with them. Only trouble is that I promised myself I would read 4 fiction books this summer. I've started one while babysitting.

Anyhow, I will have books that I can't use so now I can pass those along to classmates and the library and such. Its interesting looking at someone else's library. Mine is filled with certain books and now that I am growing a bit in my knowledge they are ready to be moved out and given to someone else. It never occurred to me that I would ever get to the point where I would give any away.

So I have committed myself to clearing more of the old stuff out and finding a good home for my new stuff - and I have promised not to buy any more books for some time. And now I need to go to the library and find a fiction book to read - I used to read tons but now it seems like its wasting time to read fiction. Which is stupid because watch way too much TV !

Friday's Feast - July 18

Appetizer
When was the last time you had your hair cut/trimmed?

About a month ago and I have to say I did not like the job they did. Usually I am very happy but this time it sucks. Need to think about my next cut.


Soup
Name one thing you miss about being a child.

Hmm. I was a very anxious child so I remember a lot of angst. I think growing up in Greenwood, Nova Scotia the first time (we were posted there twice) - from grade 2 to midway through grade 5. It was a blast. Especially going to the HandyStand with 25 cents and picking out penny candy.


Salad
Pick one: butter, margarine, olive oil.

Butter. I'll eat margarine but it wasn't something I suffered through as a child. I always marvelled at friends who had margarine. Yuck.

Main Course
If you could learn another language, which one would you pick, and why?

I think French. Its the "other" language. It would be cool to be able to be understood anywhere in Canada.


Dessert
Finish this sentence: In 5 years I expect to be…

What a scary thought. I should be done my schooling and I guess leading a congregation? I just don't know.

Going to Calvin

After a long time of discounting Calvin Seminary, I met with someone to discuss what I would need to do to attend Calvin for 12 weeks after my M. Div. to seek ordination in the CRC.

I can't say why I have changed my mind. I have often thought about it and found many reasons to reject the idea. Most of it has to do with my journey with the CRC which I can't say has been very nuturing.

But it crossed my mind to at least consider it and let someone in the denomination know. And then in a prayer meeting with EK some things were talked about and when I left and again the next morning I knew I had to take the idea more seriously.

I'm not sure what it was exactly. We discussed the influence MB has had on individuals and our church. And I considered what that meant. The church is further ahead then it once was but it is not unified, there are still major problems with discipline and spiritual maturity and yet I can't discount the work that has been done.

Its been hard. Not getting a pastor I admire to be a reference for me for Seminary was a real blow. And maybe that became the point. Always seeking assurance from others has been a necessity of mine. Not getting it from those I value the most has been really hard to take. But I went to seminary anyways, into a program that rejects far more than it accepts. Even after I told them a pastor refused to give me a reference because he felt it would be damaging to my acceptance. That should be enough.

And I think that is the key. People will think poorly of the best of pastors because good pastor afflict the comfortable. I realised that the high standards that we set for our pastors was immobilizing me and not getting the reference had really discouraged me altogether. No matter how much encouragement I get from that source I will always regret the lack of confidence in my ability.

But good people can make mistakes, even in assessing other people's readiness for ministry. Gee, maybe I can allow myself to make a mistake!

So when I think about a denomination that I love sitting with so many empty pulpits and I wonder who will fill them it becomes obvious that I need to ask myself why I refuse to consider it. Most of the reasons I rejected Calvin have been removed - the biggest thing I have now is fear. Fear of not making the cut, of being told I'm not good enough. Which is the same battle I have had for the past years as I discerned my path in ministry. I reacted to all of that criticism by going for counselling and those close to me, really close to me say that I have become a different person - less critical, less reactionary and more gracious. I still have room to grow, no doubt. In some ways I am very sad, as I wonder if I would have gotten to this point if we weren't sitting with an empty pulpit. I am sad that people I love are leaving!

Anyhow, I will have to figure everything out and actually do the real stuff like let Calvin know that I will be applying and get all my transcripts in order. And figure out the year that I will take Hebrew. And catch up my Greek. And ensure that I know each book of the bible, themes, writers, time periods and so on. I have to pull up my socks academically. In the end I have no idea if I want to be a full time pastor in the CRC - it seems so hard, but I have to take this first step in faith. God will block the door if I am totally out to lunch!

Short Cottage Visit

On Monday C and I went to the cottage. We planned to be away for 3 nights, four days. It was a welcome break at the cottage that we have not been able to use much because each summer I have been busy with church work or an internship.

After C checked the cottage very carefully for snakes I ventured in and got settled. I felt very confident about the whole thing.

Then C found a snake at the sliding door in the kitchen. As I watched is slither away quite quickly down the hall I realised that this snake was maybe a bit smaller than the last one - but way too big!

Feeling like an idiot, we packed our bags and headed home. I just couldn't imagine spending 3 nights pondering what was slinking around at night.

C went up today to fix the underbelly of the trailer with the belly wrap and special tape that arrived from the States on Tuesday. He also mowed the lawn, move all of the logs from around the fire pit. He also did a good search around the cottage. However, he did not see any snakes.

So...now that the underbelly is fixed and the cottage is sealed we should be able to go up and enjoy it. I am a bit relieved that we may not have any time for a few weeks because I'm still a bit freaked. I may look into treatment which unfortunately usually requires handling a snake at some point. I know they won't force me to do it until I am ready but the idea freaks me out a bit.

Sermon Response: I Want to Die!

Yes, the response to the sermon in today's worship at the local nursing home was "I want to die!". One resident shouted back "Not here please!". I was sure it was one of our church goers who said it so I was relieved when C assured me it was another resident.

Now either the resident was fed up with the worship or really taken on the theme that ultimately our troubles cease and we find peace with Jesus. I'll have to tone it down next time.

The nursing home worker took him away from the service. We were getting ready to sing a song and I was going to address his concern directly (no I don't mean I was going to kill him, I was going to see if we could pray for him), I figure heckling is part of the deal.....

You've Been Left Behind

I'm not up on my end times theology so for those non-Christians out there I will explain this rather badly. Some believe that at the end of the world the believers will be taken up into heaven while the earth continues to live on for 1000 years. Thus you have probably heard of the "Left Behind" series of books that talks about the end times. For those left behind, life ain't too good.

I'm pretty cynical so I'm still a bit unsure if I believe this but there is a website called You've Been Left Behind. For 40 dollars a year I can have emails ready to send at the end times for my loved ones who have not become Christian. The email will come into your box alerting you to the fact that I have beens swept up into Christ's presence and that it is not too late for you to come to know him.

Now here is how it works. There are staff who must sign into their computer program everyday - at least three. They are located across the country (States). If there are not three signed in over a period of three days then the program launches giving another three day window before the emails are automatically sent out.

Interesting. Now guys, do me a favour and save me 40 bucks a year. If I should disappear, along with many of your friends assume the best - the end times have come. I don't particularly believe in this understanding of the end times, there are lots of different interpretations, so don't wait for me to disappear to ask questions about being Christian. I'm not sure I believe in this second chance business - so don't wait - get your questions in now. Not only will I save 40 bucks but we could have a blast hanging out as Christians!

Preaching Last Week

After being totally overwhelmed with the opportunity to preach at my church and making it the biggest deal it could be I am happy to say that I am still standing.

I go through this everytime, no matter what I do I rarely am satisfied with what was preached. I had some technical problems in my delivery but its more a criticism of how I want it to be delivered and how it actually gets delivered. That might be a good thing.

I think the biggest problem I had was that the message wasn't really what I wanted. It was close but in changing some things to get it approved the focus got thrown where I didn't really intend it to go. It was a good message and I pray that the Holy Spirit did the rest.

And that's the thing I keep telling myself. I can't account for my own sinfulness in the process. I can only try my best and leave the rest to God and let him take it where it needs to go.

I am still in thought about my next one. Its so hard to discern what God wants to say apart from what I think the church needs to hear. I am still working through this - does being called mean that I have any more insight then anyone else as to what is needed? How do I know whether to trust my own instincts and intuition without getting caught up in my own perspective? I can't separate myself from the message - God teaches me a lot through my work on the passages so preaching seems selfish in some respects.

Right now I am thinking about Moses and all the complaining the people had when they were in the desert. A lot of stuff is coming to me about this passage and it will be interesting to see how it turns out! I relate so well with the complainers!

Snakes Alive! - Part 2

After discovering a snake lying in the door to our bedroom which sadly is where the bathroom is I realised a few things:

- everyone lied who told me snakes couldn't possibly get into the cottage
- the underbelly of the trailer where the bathroom is needs to be patched immediately
- it will be impossible for me to ever pee in that bathroom again

Sadly, the other bathroom was out of commission while C repairs a few pipes. And after holding for many, many hours I had to pee. So I send C into the bedroom and bathroom to check it out. He comes back assuring me that there is no culprits lurking.

I shuffle my way over, ensuring that C stays there in case something happens. I look cautiously in the bathroom and lo and behold the toilet seat is down! I ask "Did you lift the lid". No.

Anyone who has ever considered a snake loose in the city knows the fear of going to the toilet at 3:00 a.m. In the light of day, it seems ridiculous to worry about some random culprit popping up but at the "death hour" (most people who die of natural causes die between 3-4 a.m.) fear is ever present.

I assured C that until the seat is lifted and the bowl inspected his check is completely useless.

Now why they decided to put a heat vent right in front of the toilet I don't know. Even before "The Incident" it worried me a bit. But now I need C to stand at the door because I can't possibly scan every entry point on my own.

It gets better. Later in the evening as I started to feel a bit more at ease I finally got up the nerve to have a shower. I told C he had to sit in the bathroom with me because I can't stand not knowing what is going on while I'm in that enclosed space. Idiot. At some point to reassure me that he is still there - he reaches in and pokes me on the back! Once the screaming subsided he understood that there is a reason for all those shower scenes in movies!!

Snakes Alive - Part 1

Egads!

Went to the cottage from Monday to Wednesday. Lots of work to do there - the first being the cutting of the grass. It takes about 4 hours to do the whole thing, maybe longer. My better half always starts a section for me so that I can walk in the short grass while I move the long grass. I have a phobia of snakes and it is impossible for me to negotiate long grass!

Well, I got most of the back done but as the front got started I saw a little snake dart under the cottage. Hubby clipped his tail - which grossed me out because somewhere there is a littl snakey tail lying about.

We followed the snake into the back woods, I tried to take an interest hoping that I can get over this fear by sheer willpower. No such luck - after trying to mow the front yard I had to give in to my fear!

So we went inside and played on our ancient Nintendo. While I was playing, C was getting ready to do some work on the water pipe. He comes out of the bedroom and puts on one rubber glove. Thinking he has seen a mouse, I ask him. Nope, he says "there is one in here". A snake is in our cottage!!

I will spare you the hysterical details which basically has me in tears and unable to function. First was the chant "I need to get out of here". Once I was out the chant was "Get IT out". The culprit was about a foot and a half - C agrees with this (I think it was closer to 2 feet but I tend to exagerate in these circumstances).

Different options are explored, along with the mantra "I want to go home". Since it is only Tuesday early afternoon there is a long day and night ahead. I finally find a spot on the deck where I can see everything and keep my feet up. C spends the next four hours working on the water pipe that needs to be replaced.

After four hours I worked up enough courage to consider staying the night. Because I knew that if I went home I would never step foot on the property again. I don't know how I did it because even now I am freaked out. I don't even like typing the S word!